Since when did......
ordering water become temperature specific? You go to a restaurant....you get a glass of water....it's free......don't bitch about it.....and you already know how I feel about this lemon in the water thing.......we used to just bring a glass of water....and people were happy.....now they want it with lemon.....some go so far as to ask for water with LIME......the minute I hear that I want to look them in the eye and say, "You're really not that special".....
Now....some want water without ice......ok....that saves a step...(although it puts you out of rythm)....
...but when they start with..."I want room temperature water...no ice....not cold"....okay.....I'm pretty clear on the "no ice" thing......but then someone else at the table picks up the ball....."I want warm water,"....."ok....like for tea?...you want a teapot of water?"......"NO." (apparently I'm not getting this)....."No, I want warm water....not hot...not cold...tap water is too cold....."
You gotta be freakin' kiddin' me!!!!
Alright...let's go around the table one more time......Water with just a little ice...got it....tap water....got it......water, no ice with a lemon, but pour it first before the water runs too long and gets cold......got it....warm water, not hot, not as cold a tap water....got it...so now I've got to blend hot water with cold water to get to a specific undetermined temperature.....tell ya what ladies....we'll get these to the exact temperature you want...I'll be right back...I think I saw rectal thermometer in the medicine cabinet......
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Group activities..........
When I first started working with this group of 20 somethings...it was still warm out...and we were at the end of softball season....I was hearing many comments about the softball team...but the one I heard the most was, "We never win".....but they went out there week and after week and had a good time....now, fast forward to the next season...I decided to attend a game and see for myself how bad they were.....(if this is any hint, they let me play)...the girl playing catcher ( who joined the team to meet guys, and ironically , none of them talked to her) would let the ball hit the ground, then shuffle around and stop it with her shins...then pick it up and throw it back to the pitcher....Hell...I can at least catch it with a mitt...so they let me play. (Mostly I just wanted to tell people that I took up softball at 51.) So I played a few games...either as catcher, or out in right field where I could do no damage.
There actually were some pretty good players on the team....but they were by far out-numbered by the inefficiencies of the rest of the team to really make a difference. It doesn't matter how far you can throw a ball, if the one you are throwing to, can't catch it. But...this was a group activity...so, many of the other servers showed up in support of the team. (Did I mention that the softball complex where said games were held...also sold beer?)
Oh! then there's that batting part! I actually went to the batting cage to see if I could even hit the ball.....I could....cool....however, the batting cage is not a good indicator as to how far you can hit the ball...so my goal became, to see if I could hit it past the pitcher....then ultimately I decided that if I ever got a base hit...I could then retire. Thank God that happened sooner, rather than later........as soon as I touched first base....they called me back and put in a pinch runner....(a wise decision)
There actually were some pretty good players on the team....but they were by far out-numbered by the inefficiencies of the rest of the team to really make a difference. It doesn't matter how far you can throw a ball, if the one you are throwing to, can't catch it. But...this was a group activity...so, many of the other servers showed up in support of the team. (Did I mention that the softball complex where said games were held...also sold beer?)
Oh! then there's that batting part! I actually went to the batting cage to see if I could even hit the ball.....I could....cool....however, the batting cage is not a good indicator as to how far you can hit the ball...so my goal became, to see if I could hit it past the pitcher....then ultimately I decided that if I ever got a base hit...I could then retire. Thank God that happened sooner, rather than later........as soon as I touched first base....they called me back and put in a pinch runner....(a wise decision)
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
We work to leave here....
This concept seems to be lost on some managers....however....if you just take the time to talk to the servers...within a couple of minutes you will know if they are planning on making this a career or not. (mostly not) We are as varied a group as you will find anywhere. Debbie will tell you about being in nursing school....I don't think she plans on sticking around after she graduates.....Jim is going to be a teacher...he graduates soon....Julie bought a foreclosed house, and is fixing it up so she can sell it..(p.s. she is doing all the work herself)
...we are not interested in learning the history of the food....or the wine....or what region of Italy either of those came from.....we do not care where the vegetables are grown....(we assume it's in the ground)....when we have about 15 seconds to make a cappuchino that takes about three minutes to make....we have a hard time embracing the "foam should look like whipped cream " concept....
We are a transient group....Renee just graduated from college and is looking for a job in marketing....Tony is in his last year of college....Bill is here to see him through these tough economic times while he rebuilds his landscaping business....Vanessa is an R.N.....she is here because she needed to fill some empty hours in her life, for a while.......Theresa wanted a part time job, for a little extra money, working as a server, is what best fit around her husband and kids' schedule.....
...keep in mind, next time you get upset with a server.....we are your friends and neighbors...we are your kids and grandkids....we are your daughter or your sister's best friend....we are ekeing out an honest living....we are a true slice of Americana......
...we are not interested in learning the history of the food....or the wine....or what region of Italy either of those came from.....we do not care where the vegetables are grown....(we assume it's in the ground)....when we have about 15 seconds to make a cappuchino that takes about three minutes to make....we have a hard time embracing the "foam should look like whipped cream " concept....
We are a transient group....Renee just graduated from college and is looking for a job in marketing....Tony is in his last year of college....Bill is here to see him through these tough economic times while he rebuilds his landscaping business....Vanessa is an R.N.....she is here because she needed to fill some empty hours in her life, for a while.......Theresa wanted a part time job, for a little extra money, working as a server, is what best fit around her husband and kids' schedule.....
...keep in mind, next time you get upset with a server.....we are your friends and neighbors...we are your kids and grandkids....we are your daughter or your sister's best friend....we are ekeing out an honest living....we are a true slice of Americana......
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
We're not your freakin' babysitters.....
I think it's great that you want to take your kids out and have a family meal.....I do not think it's great if you are a clueless dolt of a parent who allows their kids do whatever they want in a public place.....we do not have a play center for children...that is what McDonald's is for. Something tells me that "Empty all the salt and sugar on the table"...is not a game you would allow at home.....I'd also be willing to bet that "Throw your food on the floor" (and we'll all make like it's cute)...would be another game that is frowned upon at home....
...and yes, it's also great that you want to teach your children how to order for themselves....however...please wait until they learn how to speak....
because we, the servers are not into "cute", especially when under a time constraint...then you play 20 questions with the kid.....Do you want spaghetti?....NO.....do you want mac & cheese....NO....do you want chicken fingers....NO....Do you want lasagna?...NO....do you want chicken parmesan....NO....do you want a pork chop....NO....we're into let's get this done so we can move on....
....then there is the king and queen of ignorance...you know...the one's who let their children (and I use that term loosely) literally run around the restaurant....one brother and sister team were playing tag and wrestling in the aisle....keep in mind this is the same aisle we need to use to bring hot food and and drink to the tables (the operative word being "hot") as nearby diners are rolling their eyes back in their head....aaannndd wondering why we are doing nothing to stop this potentially dangerous activity.....but safety be damned....this is a corporate restaurant, and we simply are not allowed to .......
...and yes, it's also great that you want to teach your children how to order for themselves....however...please wait until they learn how to speak....
because we, the servers are not into "cute", especially when under a time constraint...then you play 20 questions with the kid.....Do you want spaghetti?....NO.....do you want mac & cheese....NO....do you want chicken fingers....NO....Do you want lasagna?...NO....do you want chicken parmesan....NO....do you want a pork chop....NO....we're into let's get this done so we can move on....
....then there is the king and queen of ignorance...you know...the one's who let their children (and I use that term loosely) literally run around the restaurant....one brother and sister team were playing tag and wrestling in the aisle....keep in mind this is the same aisle we need to use to bring hot food and and drink to the tables (the operative word being "hot") as nearby diners are rolling their eyes back in their head....aaannndd wondering why we are doing nothing to stop this potentially dangerous activity.....but safety be damned....this is a corporate restaurant, and we simply are not allowed to .......
Monday, May 24, 2010
Back in the olden days of yore.....
Way back when I started waitressing in the previous millenium.....we did not have computers.....(and yes, this is a "walked uphill to school, both ways story)....we had to write out all of the orders...At my first waitress job....they threw a five page menu at me and told me to memorize the menu, the prices and the abbreviations.....thank God I was only 19 and had more brain cells back then....we used those little order pads....you know, the one's that are now used as scrap paper....this proces was even more cumbersome for those with sub-standard handwriting...(like me)....a great incentive for learning all the prices was "If you write down the wrong price and under charge, you get to pay the difference"....ahhhh, the good old days....
There was also a different process for running a charge card.....it was a rather simple little device that we used....you placed a pre-printed, carbon attached charge slip on the device...and then slid a slide bar back and forth ..these devices are still available...in fact, there is one in a black box that we currently call our "crash kit,"....this is used for emergencies when the computer goes out....or we lose power.....we had a need for this device one day....a server gingerly pulled it out of the black box....set it on a counter, and then four servers stood around staring at it, in awe...none of whom had a clue as to how it worked.....they saw me walking towards them, and frantically called me over...."HOW DO YOU WORK THIS???"
There was also a different process for running a charge card.....it was a rather simple little device that we used....you placed a pre-printed, carbon attached charge slip on the device...and then slid a slide bar back and forth ..these devices are still available...in fact, there is one in a black box that we currently call our "crash kit,"....this is used for emergencies when the computer goes out....or we lose power.....we had a need for this device one day....a server gingerly pulled it out of the black box....set it on a counter, and then four servers stood around staring at it, in awe...none of whom had a clue as to how it worked.....they saw me walking towards them, and frantically called me over...."HOW DO YOU WORK THIS???"
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Just another day.....uh-huh......
"Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed"..........sorry......sort of slipped into
the "Beverly Hillbillys".......but I think I just worked one of their wedding
receptions.......the best man was drinking coke.....(by the way...this reception was at
3:30 in the afternoon. On a Wednesday).....but somehow was becoming drunk. He was also
walking around with a water bottle in his back pocket. Real class. We found the bottle,
after all had left....took the cap off....yep...gin. Guess he saved a lot of money on the
cash bar.
The older men had either mullets or totally ungroomed long hair. So did the women.
The men were skinny....the women were not....the kids....well, they have no hope....
Anyone over 12 years of age was outside smoking....
They stopped me to ask where they could plug in the boom box.......
The best man is now staring lasiviously at one of the waitresses.......
Before you go and get upset (becasue I might be picking on someone) what you must remember
is this.....these are merely observations.
However, I did make a rather critical error....a woman walked up to me and asked me about
the drinks....I asked her what table she was sitting at....she pointed to the head
table....apparently she was the bride. (My bad)
After serving the entrees...we had 5 plates left....so 5 people didn't show up.
Me and my fellow servers ate the entrees. We were hungry. Hey! When in Rome......
the "Beverly Hillbillys".......but I think I just worked one of their wedding
receptions.......the best man was drinking coke.....(by the way...this reception was at
3:30 in the afternoon. On a Wednesday).....but somehow was becoming drunk. He was also
walking around with a water bottle in his back pocket. Real class. We found the bottle,
after all had left....took the cap off....yep...gin. Guess he saved a lot of money on the
cash bar.
The older men had either mullets or totally ungroomed long hair. So did the women.
The men were skinny....the women were not....the kids....well, they have no hope....
Anyone over 12 years of age was outside smoking....
They stopped me to ask where they could plug in the boom box.......
The best man is now staring lasiviously at one of the waitresses.......
Before you go and get upset (becasue I might be picking on someone) what you must remember
is this.....these are merely observations.
However, I did make a rather critical error....a woman walked up to me and asked me about
the drinks....I asked her what table she was sitting at....she pointed to the head
table....apparently she was the bride. (My bad)
After serving the entrees...we had 5 plates left....so 5 people didn't show up.
Me and my fellow servers ate the entrees. We were hungry. Hey! When in Rome......
Thursday, May 20, 2010
If you're an over fifty waitress....you better have a sense of humor
And IF, you're an over fifty waitress...you probably do.
It's not easy starting a job, where you are old enough to be eveyone's mother, and
everyone else is in their twenties. Then...just to add insult to injury....you find the
.
only way you can handle your glasses, (which are only needed for reading and working the
computer)...is by hanging said glasses on one of those old lady cords around your neck. (I
had no choice)...I'd either get them stuck in my hair when I put them on top of my head,
or I'd start walking with them on...and realize I couldn't walk straight and everyting
looked dizzy...not good when you are carrying things you're not supposed to drop.....
If you haven't carried trays in ....let's say about 30 years....(as a bartender I didn't
have to carry trays).....the first two weeks are killer on your tray arm. My left arm was
permanently bent at a 90 degree angle. I had to push my arm down to straighten it out.
(I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.)
You realize that EVERYONE, is moving faster than you. Shit....gotta pick up the pace. But
through careful observation, (and a keen eye for the obvious), you begin to see that some
of these people of whom I am old enough to be their mother.....are just running circles
around themselves. When you're an over fifty waitress....you don't want to move any
faster, so ya just gotta work smarter. No problem.
Ya get a couple of weeks under your belt.....the job's getting easier....you got more time
to talk to your fellow serves......and you realize they speak a different language.....
It's not easy starting a job, where you are old enough to be eveyone's mother, and
everyone else is in their twenties. Then...just to add insult to injury....you find the
.
only way you can handle your glasses, (which are only needed for reading and working the
computer)...is by hanging said glasses on one of those old lady cords around your neck. (I
had no choice)...I'd either get them stuck in my hair when I put them on top of my head,
or I'd start walking with them on...and realize I couldn't walk straight and everyting
looked dizzy...not good when you are carrying things you're not supposed to drop.....
If you haven't carried trays in ....let's say about 30 years....(as a bartender I didn't
have to carry trays).....the first two weeks are killer on your tray arm. My left arm was
permanently bent at a 90 degree angle. I had to push my arm down to straighten it out.
(I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.)
You realize that EVERYONE, is moving faster than you. Shit....gotta pick up the pace. But
through careful observation, (and a keen eye for the obvious), you begin to see that some
of these people of whom I am old enough to be their mother.....are just running circles
around themselves. When you're an over fifty waitress....you don't want to move any
faster, so ya just gotta work smarter. No problem.
Ya get a couple of weeks under your belt.....the job's getting easier....you got more time
to talk to your fellow serves......and you realize they speak a different language.....
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
And where did we learn our manners?.......
So a table of six waltz's in one evening.......the hostess shows them to a booth...with
ample seating for six...it's rather an over-sized booth....comfortable....a much coveted
table by most the customers....but these six make it immediately known that this is not
befitting their station in life...they want a round table...they're having a meeting...and
they want to able to talk...( I'm pretty sure the shape of the table wouldn't alter the
speech patterns of whatever rubbish they decided to spew forth)...I wanted to tell them,
"Believe me...none of you has anything to say that is that important." But Ah!....the
airs some people put on....we had to take a rectangular table for 4, go find a square
table, set it up for six......but there was still 3 on each side....again, sub-standard
for this group. So...we took away the square table and stuck one place setting and chair
at either of the rectangular table.... they're gonna be crowded in there....but at this
point we no longer care......they make it known, in a most uppity manner that they are not
ready to order...."We just sat down!" it seems to be lost on them that I already know
this. So in the meantime...the booth is now seated with a group that is smiling about
their good fortune to have snagged a booth. They are a happy group, and have decided on a
bottle of wine...as I am in the middle of pouring said wine....the cranky old bitch from
the "You're Nowhere Near as Important as You Think You Are Club" bellows...(yes, she
bellowed)....."WE"RE READY TO ORDER NOW!".... the wine is actually being poured into a
glass at this very moment....several tables heard her...(How could you not....not only did
she bellow...but her voice sounded like Linda Blair in the Exorcist...when her head spins
all the way around.....the gentleman whose wine I was pouring looked mortified...he made a
gesture and eye movement like..."Maybe I should just go over there, lest bad luck befall
eveyone within earshot. I did the only thing I could think of.....stared at the table from
hell with that deer in the headlights look......but you can't just make this a cursory
glance...you have to stare for about 10 to 15 seconds...(go ahead do it....it's longer than you think)....and at
the end of the stare...(while still holding the bottle slightly above pouring angle)....not saying a word
throughout the stare...you simply look away like they didn't even exist....(this will piss them off more than any
words ever could)...all the tables within hearing are now staring, mouths agape, at this incredibly atrocious
display of social ignorance.
ample seating for six...it's rather an over-sized booth....comfortable....a much coveted
table by most the customers....but these six make it immediately known that this is not
befitting their station in life...they want a round table...they're having a meeting...and
they want to able to talk...( I'm pretty sure the shape of the table wouldn't alter the
speech patterns of whatever rubbish they decided to spew forth)...I wanted to tell them,
"Believe me...none of you has anything to say that is that important." But Ah!....the
airs some people put on....we had to take a rectangular table for 4, go find a square
table, set it up for six......but there was still 3 on each side....again, sub-standard
for this group. So...we took away the square table and stuck one place setting and chair
at either of the rectangular table.... they're gonna be crowded in there....but at this
point we no longer care......they make it known, in a most uppity manner that they are not
ready to order...."We just sat down!" it seems to be lost on them that I already know
this. So in the meantime...the booth is now seated with a group that is smiling about
their good fortune to have snagged a booth. They are a happy group, and have decided on a
bottle of wine...as I am in the middle of pouring said wine....the cranky old bitch from
the "You're Nowhere Near as Important as You Think You Are Club" bellows...(yes, she
bellowed)....."WE"RE READY TO ORDER NOW!".... the wine is actually being poured into a
glass at this very moment....several tables heard her...(How could you not....not only did
she bellow...but her voice sounded like Linda Blair in the Exorcist...when her head spins
all the way around.....the gentleman whose wine I was pouring looked mortified...he made a
gesture and eye movement like..."Maybe I should just go over there, lest bad luck befall
eveyone within earshot. I did the only thing I could think of.....stared at the table from
hell with that deer in the headlights look......but you can't just make this a cursory
glance...you have to stare for about 10 to 15 seconds...(go ahead do it....it's longer than you think)....and at
the end of the stare...(while still holding the bottle slightly above pouring angle)....not saying a word
throughout the stare...you simply look away like they didn't even exist....(this will piss them off more than any
words ever could)...all the tables within hearing are now staring, mouths agape, at this incredibly atrocious
display of social ignorance.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
We must be able to laugh at ourselves...and our own...
Because we must be multi-taskers extrodinaire...there are some who are just not cut out for this line of work.....
One evening several of us were watching...(some from different vantage points)..as a fellow server was trying desperately to cut the foil from the top of a wine bottle.....after digging away, (for a few minutes) with the miniature knife on the wine key....and getting nowhere.....the server finally realized that this was a screw cap bottle.....What's that you say.....did any of us walk over and try to help? What, and ruin a good show?!?
Then there are the ones who have a (as in singular) table...and immediately go into panic mode....Hey Bob! (for lack of a better name) Can you.... "Not right now...I have to get two pepsis and a wine!!!"....as he makes a heavy-footed dash through the restaurant...slightly bent over as if he were heading into a wind tunnel.. face in a concentrated scowl...."Okay...no one talk to Bob until the shift is over...he's gonna short-circuit"
Who can resist cracking up when an entire tray of food goes down...right to the floor...the sound of the plates crashing, draws attention to this unfortunate turn of events....likes moths to a flame....suddenly the manager (who no one could find 5 minutes ago)...is standing in the midst of this carnage of what was once a dinner for four...looking like a deer in the headlights.....the chef is throwing fits....(just to be stereotypical)...the server is trying to inconspicuously side step away...several other servers are re-routing themselves through the restaurant,just to get a better look....and the busser (the only using any common sense here) meanders over with a broom and dust pan and begins cleaning up...(just another day in the life....)
And then there are the oil slicks...these are formed when the bread dipping oil (which we have to pour from a too large awkward container..into a too small container, c'mon, the writings on the wall) and it inadvertently ends up on the floor....the best way to clean this up is to pour semolina flour on it....we all quickly say "SHHHHH!!!" when one semi-clueless server yells, "Someone get the salmonella!"
One evening several of us were watching...(some from different vantage points)..as a fellow server was trying desperately to cut the foil from the top of a wine bottle.....after digging away, (for a few minutes) with the miniature knife on the wine key....and getting nowhere.....the server finally realized that this was a screw cap bottle.....What's that you say.....did any of us walk over and try to help? What, and ruin a good show?!?
Then there are the ones who have a (as in singular) table...and immediately go into panic mode....Hey Bob! (for lack of a better name) Can you.... "Not right now...I have to get two pepsis and a wine!!!"....as he makes a heavy-footed dash through the restaurant...slightly bent over as if he were heading into a wind tunnel.. face in a concentrated scowl...."Okay...no one talk to Bob until the shift is over...he's gonna short-circuit"
Who can resist cracking up when an entire tray of food goes down...right to the floor...the sound of the plates crashing, draws attention to this unfortunate turn of events....likes moths to a flame....suddenly the manager (who no one could find 5 minutes ago)...is standing in the midst of this carnage of what was once a dinner for four...looking like a deer in the headlights.....the chef is throwing fits....(just to be stereotypical)...the server is trying to inconspicuously side step away...several other servers are re-routing themselves through the restaurant,just to get a better look....and the busser (the only using any common sense here) meanders over with a broom and dust pan and begins cleaning up...(just another day in the life....)
And then there are the oil slicks...these are formed when the bread dipping oil (which we have to pour from a too large awkward container..into a too small container, c'mon, the writings on the wall) and it inadvertently ends up on the floor....the best way to clean this up is to pour semolina flour on it....we all quickly say "SHHHHH!!!" when one semi-clueless server yells, "Someone get the salmonella!"
Monday, May 17, 2010
As the schools teach our children....just say "no"
When you bring the bread (here we go with this bread shit again) can you bring oil AND butter...NO....(trust me, you don't even need the bread...much less oil and butter)
We need a lot of lemons for our water......NO (I would really like to meet the person who started all this lemon in the water crap...and then I would like to shoot them in the foot, and squeeze lemon juice in the wound)
We want to split a side salad.....NO....(the whole world can tell at a glance that you are not a light eater...just cheap)
Do you do anything for birthdays....NO...(not yours, you impatient moron)
Can you tell me where the restrooms are? NO (we don't have any)
Can I have a sample of the cabernet?....NO.....(you don't know anything about wine as it is)
Can I have a fresh cup of coffee? This one is cold...NO....(it's only cold because you let it sit there for 15 minutes without even taking a sip)
I need another refill on my diet pepsi.....NO...(no one needs 4 soft drinks at one meal)
What I want isn't on the menu.......NO! (then why are you here?)
The soup choices for the evening are chicken noodle, beef barley and split pea.....Can I have tomato? NOOOO! (you sewer dwelling imbecile)
Can we order off of the children's menu?.....NO!.....(go to Burger King)
We have more people coming than we thought, can we just pull over that table?....NO!....(it is in someone else's section)
I don't have my I.D. on me...can he vouch for me?....NO!!!.....
We need a lot of lemons for our water......NO (I would really like to meet the person who started all this lemon in the water crap...and then I would like to shoot them in the foot, and squeeze lemon juice in the wound)
We want to split a side salad.....NO....(the whole world can tell at a glance that you are not a light eater...just cheap)
Do you do anything for birthdays....NO...(not yours, you impatient moron)
Can you tell me where the restrooms are? NO (we don't have any)
Can I have a sample of the cabernet?....NO.....(you don't know anything about wine as it is)
Can I have a fresh cup of coffee? This one is cold...NO....(it's only cold because you let it sit there for 15 minutes without even taking a sip)
I need another refill on my diet pepsi.....NO...(no one needs 4 soft drinks at one meal)
What I want isn't on the menu.......NO! (then why are you here?)
The soup choices for the evening are chicken noodle, beef barley and split pea.....Can I have tomato? NOOOO! (you sewer dwelling imbecile)
Can we order off of the children's menu?.....NO!.....(go to Burger King)
We have more people coming than we thought, can we just pull over that table?....NO!....(it is in someone else's section)
I don't have my I.D. on me...can he vouch for me?....NO!!!.....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
If you don't know how to order...well...you're just a moron
Millions of people eat out everyday...and as a rule...most of them know how to order their meals...but as with every rule...there are exceptions. When we ask, "Would you like to start out with an appetizer?"...that's pretty much all we are talking about. No, no one wants any appetizers. ....then the aforementioned moron pipes in with, "I'll have a salad." so you poliltely ask if they would like to order their meals now...."No, I just want a salad now." No one else is ready to order anything...but this thick-headed knuckle dragger (THKD) is bound and determined to upset not only the ordering process...but also the order of the universe. WE DO THINGS IN A CERTAIN SEQUENCE......
Number 1. You order your entrees and salads at the same time.
Number 2. There is timing involved here...so your meal won't take too long and you won't have to complain about how long it's taking...because we know you are going to, and I'm pretty sure that you're going to prove not only that you lack social skills...but you also have no comprehension of how to tell time. So we get you your damn salad....the rest of the table has nothing....(this is lost on you)...it takes you about 9.7 seconds to finish it off with your sub-standard eating skills and poor table manners....(you probably wonder why you don't get too many invitations to eat out)...everyone else is now ready to order...your pronounciation of the dinner you want is so bad...I have to ask you to point to the menu....ahh....(more than 2 syllables...that explains it)...so now we get the soup and salad for the rest of the people at your table...and then we ring in the order...that's pretty standard timing for just about any restaurant....as everyone is trying to enjoy their soup or salad....THKD flags you down and loudly announces to the world..."I'm really hungry, you can go ahead and bring out my food now, after all ...how long can it take?" You know that no amount of logic will be an acceptable explanation of why you can't bring his food out (which just got ordered 5 minutes ago) now, so you simply say.."okay" and walk into the kitchen to swap stories with your fellow servers about whose got the biggest moron at their table tonight.
Number 1. You order your entrees and salads at the same time.
Number 2. There is timing involved here...so your meal won't take too long and you won't have to complain about how long it's taking...because we know you are going to, and I'm pretty sure that you're going to prove not only that you lack social skills...but you also have no comprehension of how to tell time. So we get you your damn salad....the rest of the table has nothing....(this is lost on you)...it takes you about 9.7 seconds to finish it off with your sub-standard eating skills and poor table manners....(you probably wonder why you don't get too many invitations to eat out)...everyone else is now ready to order...your pronounciation of the dinner you want is so bad...I have to ask you to point to the menu....ahh....(more than 2 syllables...that explains it)...so now we get the soup and salad for the rest of the people at your table...and then we ring in the order...that's pretty standard timing for just about any restaurant....as everyone is trying to enjoy their soup or salad....THKD flags you down and loudly announces to the world..."I'm really hungry, you can go ahead and bring out my food now, after all ...how long can it take?" You know that no amount of logic will be an acceptable explanation of why you can't bring his food out (which just got ordered 5 minutes ago) now, so you simply say.."okay" and walk into the kitchen to swap stories with your fellow servers about whose got the biggest moron at their table tonight.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
over staffed....again
What all servers in a corporate restaurant must realize is....we are just a piece of equipment.....like the fryer of the broiler......we come in on a weekday only to discover once again...(no surprise, actually)...that we will be lucky to get one table an hour....doesn't really help to pay the bills.....then...just to pour salt on the wound...not only are we not making money...we are now expected to work in the capacity of a slave laborer...we are expected to clean out cupboards....wash windows...(not kidding)...take all the glasses off the shelves and clean the shelves...take apart silk plants and clean the leaves...(seriously now)...wipe table bases...God forbid we should talk to each other...equipment doesn't talk...and all this for $2.65 an hour! Why hire a cleaning crew when you can get it done for peanuts?!?
How about baking bread?...Most would think that would be a job of the kitchen help...but kitchen help costs more on the payroll.....so servers have to bake the bread.....
So we hide. We look busy....we are good at this...as soon as we see a manager...we all scatter to the nether regions of the restaurant...only to regroup a couple of minutes later...try to finish the conversation that was so rudely interrupted.....if you force us to play games...we will play games...one manager has such a rapid fire machine gun delivery of all her demands...You! Clean off that shelve under there, empty the plastic boxes the coffee and tea are and run them through the dishwasher..you- take those coffee cups down and wipe under that grate, you- get a broom and sweep, you wipe down all the surfaces, you-go in the back and start sorting silverware, you- (she can't possibly remember all of this) (and we know she can't)...so we stand and wipe something down for a minute...as soon as she is onto someone else...we go back to what we were doing....waiting to make some money or get sent home...and what pray tell...are the mangers doing while we are expected to to spit shine the restaurant? Nothing....after all....they are the one's with the hand shoved up their collective asses...but that does not constitute a reason for them to shove their feet up ours......
How about baking bread?...Most would think that would be a job of the kitchen help...but kitchen help costs more on the payroll.....so servers have to bake the bread.....
So we hide. We look busy....we are good at this...as soon as we see a manager...we all scatter to the nether regions of the restaurant...only to regroup a couple of minutes later...try to finish the conversation that was so rudely interrupted.....if you force us to play games...we will play games...one manager has such a rapid fire machine gun delivery of all her demands...You! Clean off that shelve under there, empty the plastic boxes the coffee and tea are and run them through the dishwasher..you- take those coffee cups down and wipe under that grate, you- get a broom and sweep, you wipe down all the surfaces, you-go in the back and start sorting silverware, you- (she can't possibly remember all of this) (and we know she can't)...so we stand and wipe something down for a minute...as soon as she is onto someone else...we go back to what we were doing....waiting to make some money or get sent home...and what pray tell...are the mangers doing while we are expected to to spit shine the restaurant? Nothing....after all....they are the one's with the hand shoved up their collective asses...but that does not constitute a reason for them to shove their feet up ours......
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
We are masters of Teamwork!!!
One aspect of our teamwork, has already been exemplified by yesterday's blog. When a manager asks "Where's (anyone)"...we point to the front corner of the restaurant...when in fact we know they are in the back of the kitchen texting.....or during the dreaded pre-shift..."Where's Caroline"...she's getting drinks for her table...when in fact we know she is out behind the building smoking...."where's Richard? he missed a greet at table 44".....(we are suppposed to greet each table within one minute)...."No it wasn't missed....he was doing a wine presentatin and I greeted it"......when in fact I didn't...but gave a quick 'sideways eyes' to Diane...she runs over and greets the table while I keep the manager busy.
We have an upper echelon manager type person who stops in every now and then...and actually stands there with a stopwatch...really?...and he gets paid for this?.....
If a customer is having a hard time deciding on a wine...we bring each other over to the table and tell them...."This is Laurel...she knows a lot more about the wine list than I do"...so now she's established as an expert....throws out a couple of lines of bullshit, and voila!...they order the wine.
When there are 10 or more customers...there is supposed to be 2 servers on the table...however there are times when one of the assigned servers is already very busy...they don't want to do more right now...or any other reason...(I don't feel like it, is a good one) so we take the table by ourself....the other server wanders over every now and then and clears a few plates...refills some water...just to make it look like there are 2 of us...(this keeps the managers happy and unaware) .....see....teamwork...it's a beautiful thing.....
We have an upper echelon manager type person who stops in every now and then...and actually stands there with a stopwatch...really?...and he gets paid for this?.....
If a customer is having a hard time deciding on a wine...we bring each other over to the table and tell them...."This is Laurel...she knows a lot more about the wine list than I do"...so now she's established as an expert....throws out a couple of lines of bullshit, and voila!...they order the wine.
When there are 10 or more customers...there is supposed to be 2 servers on the table...however there are times when one of the assigned servers is already very busy...they don't want to do more right now...or any other reason...(I don't feel like it, is a good one) so we take the table by ourself....the other server wanders over every now and then and clears a few plates...refills some water...just to make it look like there are 2 of us...(this keeps the managers happy and unaware) .....see....teamwork...it's a beautiful thing.....
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Uniform inspection...to the extreme
What happens when some 23 year old (I'm gay but don't tell my parents...and who in the hell hired you in the first place!) manager is set loose in the restaurant? Stupid, stupid stuff....he decided to walk around one evening and do uniform inspections....I'm sorry...we're trying to wait on our %&$#ing tables.... He had a little checklist with him.....one sheet per person...(waste of paper)...he checks off our (I'll start at the bottom and work up) shoes...socks...slacks...belts...aprons...ignorant white shirts...ties...3 pens...a lighter...(yep...a lighter, don't let me near this guy with a can of gas...) a wine key, a $20.00 bank and a crumber....what's that you say?....what's a crumber? That's exactly what I said! But now that I know...let me share!!!! It's a ridiculous piece of cheap ass metal...about 6 inches long and about half an inch wide....it has a clip on it like a pen....and if you stand it up next to a pen...it is slightly arced..(the long way)...they present this to you as if it were made of gold and encrusted with jewels.....( I still don't know what the purpose of this object is).....so I dummy up and let them show me....they (it doesn't matter which manager presents this to you...I think it was part of their training...you know..."Crumber Presentation and Appreciation 101".....always demonstrate with a flourish and flair...(Crumber Pre....102) as they slide it, (holding the long side against the table)....across the table to scrape all the crumbs off in between courses.(not your hand) You gotta be effing kidding me!!!!!.....never once have i seen this appartus used....
Since very few servers ever have what would be considered a complete uniform.....but beween us we have all the components...we pass things along to one another...Mike borrows my wine key...Adam borrows my bank...I borrow Angela's crumber.....we all pass inspection.....i guess at least, that kept the idiot mangaer busy for a while....and we're all busy sorting out our shit.....
Since very few servers ever have what would be considered a complete uniform.....but beween us we have all the components...we pass things along to one another...Mike borrows my wine key...Adam borrows my bank...I borrow Angela's crumber.....we all pass inspection.....i guess at least, that kept the idiot mangaer busy for a while....and we're all busy sorting out our shit.....
Monday, May 10, 2010
What's the Point?........
If you are trying to have a nice classy white tablecloth restaurant...what's the point in covering the tablecloths with white butcher paper, that everyone gets paper cuts from? I hate it when a customer has to ask for band-aid. (we're not off to a good start here....right off the bat they're gonna want something for free) Putting the paper on the tables is the equivalent of wearing flip-flops with a formal while standing up in a wedding...Which statement are we going for.....classy place....or "we are actually cheap, and don't want to go through that much linen and think we are fooling the public by using the paper".... ( kinda trailer trashy).... square sheets of paper do not drape nicely on a round table.....I think that may come from a lack of knowledge of simple geometry.....(or just plain lack of knowledge).....or is it trying to fit square pegs into round holes.....eh, doesn't matter....
Why on earth would you want your servers to wear white long sleeved shirts, when everything they touch leaves marks of some sort on them? Let's take a look and see if any form common sense prevails....we have to bake bread and handle oil and greasy trays.....we serve wine...somewhere ...( I think this is like one of thse "Murphy's Law" things)...sooner or later, it's gonna get on your shirt....those large trays have a way of leaving black marks on your shouler.....wait...what were we talking about?.....oh..oh common sense...the reason I forgot, is I think it's rather a moot point to try and blend common sense and corporate in the same thought process.....
Why on earth would you want your servers to wear white long sleeved shirts, when everything they touch leaves marks of some sort on them? Let's take a look and see if any form common sense prevails....we have to bake bread and handle oil and greasy trays.....we serve wine...somewhere ...( I think this is like one of thse "Murphy's Law" things)...sooner or later, it's gonna get on your shirt....those large trays have a way of leaving black marks on your shouler.....wait...what were we talking about?.....oh..oh common sense...the reason I forgot, is I think it's rather a moot point to try and blend common sense and corporate in the same thought process.....
Sunday, May 9, 2010
The most common whine at a restaurant.....
"We want separate checks"....is perhaps the most famliar whine at a restaurant (and you thought it was Chardonnay) now there are some occasions when we don't mind doing this...here are some occasions when we do mind: there are 2 people at the table...no big deal...it's easy to give separate checks for two people.....Person one orders...and then person two says, "I'll have the exact same thing." Your bills are going to be identical! Can neither one of you take a number (nay number!) and divide it by two?!?! This is considered too stupid to be true...so yes, we mind.
The server approaches the table..."Hello, how's everyone doing tonight?" (In a really pleasant voice, I might add) "WE WANT SEPARATE CHECKS." I'm fine also, thanking you for asking." Was this display of a total lack of manners a poorly rehearsed group thing, or were you all trying to beat each other to it?"
The customers don't ask for separate checks...and then after you've dropped off the bill and you go to pick it up.....they start holding up credit cards and saying..."This is for the veal and a glass of wine.....so now ya gotta go separate the damn checks.....only you have to make sure everything was rung under the right seat number...because if it's one check it doesn't matter where you ring everything in....so now ya got.......ass holes..why didn't you just say so in the first place....we wouldn't dislike you as much as we do right now.....
The worst though...is when you have a large group, they want separate checks and start pointing to who should be on who's check...and they are scattered all over the table....okay...we can get to that later.....all we ask is that you don't switch seats on us.
"Why" they ask, with that ever-so-becoming deer in the headlights look....
Because we enter everything by seat number...and if you move...we won't know who is on what tab.
"Oh." (This group has a nice economy of words and a pretty tight gene pool)
You know right away that this was totally lost on them......within five minutes they're playing musical chairs.
The server approaches the table..."Hello, how's everyone doing tonight?" (In a really pleasant voice, I might add) "WE WANT SEPARATE CHECKS." I'm fine also, thanking you for asking." Was this display of a total lack of manners a poorly rehearsed group thing, or were you all trying to beat each other to it?"
The customers don't ask for separate checks...and then after you've dropped off the bill and you go to pick it up.....they start holding up credit cards and saying..."This is for the veal and a glass of wine.....so now ya gotta go separate the damn checks.....only you have to make sure everything was rung under the right seat number...because if it's one check it doesn't matter where you ring everything in....so now ya got.......ass holes..why didn't you just say so in the first place....we wouldn't dislike you as much as we do right now.....
The worst though...is when you have a large group, they want separate checks and start pointing to who should be on who's check...and they are scattered all over the table....okay...we can get to that later.....all we ask is that you don't switch seats on us.
"Why" they ask, with that ever-so-becoming deer in the headlights look....
Because we enter everything by seat number...and if you move...we won't know who is on what tab.
"Oh." (This group has a nice economy of words and a pretty tight gene pool)
You know right away that this was totally lost on them......within five minutes they're playing musical chairs.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Here's what I learned while working at a corporate restaurant.....
Corporate restaurants are a very interesting study in human puppetry. I view it as a multi-tiered marionette show. But not everybody has strings to pull....now the guys at the top....they have the most strings...you can see their arms and legs constantly dangling.....they even have strings on their feet and hands, they flop around all day......it doesn't mean they get anything done....(so would that be wasted motion?).... some days they just like to pull on the strings...ya know why?....because they can. Simple as that. They are standing on the top tier....they have the most elaborate costumes. There are only a few of these top-tiered marionettes. They have brightly painted smiles on their over-sized porcelain marionette faces.
On the next tier down, you will find a larger group of smaller statured less elborately costumed marionettes....They too have many strings that they may pull...ah...but if you wanna pull some strings....ya gotta pay the price....and every now and then they feel the jerk of the strings....so you can imagine that their painted porcelain smiles aren't quite as vivid as the more elaborately dressed ones....but nonetheless....they are smiling. Because when they are jerked....it jerks the strings of all the marionettes below them.
Now we go down another tier....these marionetess are plainly dressed....they have many layers of strings pulling on them....(and a whole lotta those strings are tangled)...(bummer)....their mouths are just fainly curved black lines....
Now at the bottom tier of this marionette show....there are no strings....they have no costume at all....much less elaborate....they have no arms....they have no legs....no porcealin face to paint a straight black line on....there is little they can do....they are just oven mitt puppets with a hand shoved up their ass.
On the next tier down, you will find a larger group of smaller statured less elborately costumed marionettes....They too have many strings that they may pull...ah...but if you wanna pull some strings....ya gotta pay the price....and every now and then they feel the jerk of the strings....so you can imagine that their painted porcelain smiles aren't quite as vivid as the more elaborately dressed ones....but nonetheless....they are smiling. Because when they are jerked....it jerks the strings of all the marionettes below them.
Now we go down another tier....these marionetess are plainly dressed....they have many layers of strings pulling on them....(and a whole lotta those strings are tangled)...(bummer)....their mouths are just fainly curved black lines....
Now at the bottom tier of this marionette show....there are no strings....they have no costume at all....much less elaborate....they have no arms....they have no legs....no porcealin face to paint a straight black line on....there is little they can do....they are just oven mitt puppets with a hand shoved up their ass.
....Some of the greatest actors and actresses are servers....
There are nights when servers get an unbelieveable amount of bull shit thrown their way by customers who think more of themselves than anyone ever possibly could.....let's talk about some of the things that servers have to smile at while working their way through the shift......why is it when people sit at a restaurant table, they completely lose the ability to tell time? "We asked for more butter ten minutes ago!!!!!...(1)...and!...they're indignant about it. Truth be told...it was more like 2 minutes ago, if that....its not our fault that your once you saw the bread, your over zealous saliva glands put you in "Pavlov's dog" mode, and you're now drooling on yourself. Besides that, you just consumed more butter on a single piece of bread, than was necessary for a weight-gaining sumo wrestler on a 9000 calorie-a-day diet.
We tell you the house salad has lettuce, blah blah blah and is topped with bacon....You then order it...we bring it to the table...you look at it in horror and disbelief (?!?!?) and declare "I can't eat bacon!!! I didn't know it had bacon on it!!!" (2) I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and guess that you've been a moron your whole life...and now you are at my table and I have to smile through it. But still, I will give you the benefit of the doubt, and figure you can count to three...so something else has got to wrong....(according to you). But we are expecting it now...the other servers are walking by to see what else you're gonna complain about....oh shit! they just caught your eye..."We need more lemons for our water!..(3)...We ran out of sugar packets....(4)....(cheap asses are making their own lemonade) We want more bread....(5).....what's taking so long...where's our food!...we ordered half an hour ago!?!.. .(6)....ok...the runner brings the food (btw- it took 14 minutes) This isn't what I ordered!!! (7) As they stab at it with the fork they held up in the air to see if it was clean (8) (I hope something falls in your eye) You still, can only count to three...but your complaining is like three to the tenth power! we're still smiling.... We're cussing you out, back in the kitchen....but we're still smiling.....and we are staying calm....which is harder than smiling....you tell everyone else to check their food, because you are sure everyone was served the wrong dish......teeth are now gritted...and now you have that set-in-cement server smile thing going.....the only thing that softens this smile is the vision you have in your head of standing over them with a gas can in one hand...and a match in the other.....what's it gonna be folks?
And the Oscar goes to......
We tell you the house salad has lettuce, blah blah blah and is topped with bacon....You then order it...we bring it to the table...you look at it in horror and disbelief (?!?!?) and declare "I can't eat bacon!!! I didn't know it had bacon on it!!!" (2) I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and guess that you've been a moron your whole life...and now you are at my table and I have to smile through it. But still, I will give you the benefit of the doubt, and figure you can count to three...so something else has got to wrong....(according to you). But we are expecting it now...the other servers are walking by to see what else you're gonna complain about....oh shit! they just caught your eye..."We need more lemons for our water!..(3)...We ran out of sugar packets....(4)....(cheap asses are making their own lemonade) We want more bread....(5).....what's taking so long...where's our food!...we ordered half an hour ago!?!.. .(6)....ok...the runner brings the food (btw- it took 14 minutes) This isn't what I ordered!!! (7) As they stab at it with the fork they held up in the air to see if it was clean (8) (I hope something falls in your eye) You still, can only count to three...but your complaining is like three to the tenth power! we're still smiling.... We're cussing you out, back in the kitchen....but we're still smiling.....and we are staying calm....which is harder than smiling....you tell everyone else to check their food, because you are sure everyone was served the wrong dish......teeth are now gritted...and now you have that set-in-cement server smile thing going.....the only thing that softens this smile is the vision you have in your head of standing over them with a gas can in one hand...and a match in the other.....what's it gonna be folks?
And the Oscar goes to......
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Pre-shift?!? Put up a list and save everyone's time (you're not that important)
I was totally unaware of these droll little daily occurances they call "pre-
shift", until I started working in the fantasy world of a corporate restaurant. Sometimes it's hard to figure out just what the purpose of these twice daily time-wasters is...... informational.....okay.....pep talk?.....gimme a freaking break! We're servers...not the high school football team! Or is this the day that corporate pulled managements strings a little tighter and they're going to browbeat us into getting the "performance scopes" mentioned last week. Or are we going to have another stupid contest....like seeing who can sell the most wine flights? Corporate wants us to push these wine flights! Why! What difference does it make if we sell (actually, if the customer orders) a wine flight or a glass of wine? They're the same price! Besides that....it's bad enough (particularly when you're busy) that you have to stop and polish every wine glass...who wants to sell a table a bunch of wine flights and polish three times as many glasses?!? I mean really, common sense should prevail...but not at pre-shift. Heres' one of my favorites...."Don't break the dishes, they cost money." No shit! Seriously, one manager actully said this! Apparently we had never considered this concept.
I started to think of pre-shift as nothing more then the "Mangerial Self-Important Soapbox Lecture Series." Really now....if you want us to pay attetion, stick to the pertinent info....what's the soup of the day....what are the specials...and that pretty much covers it. We are not poking each other....rolling our eyes back....or making comments to each other because we are the immature little idiots you seem to think us to be......it's quite the opposite....we are simply amusing ourselves through a situation which is just too ridiculous to be true. This is when (if I haven't done it already) I frantically look over my left shoulder, jump up!...and run to the imaginary emergency at my table. ( I already know they need nothing). This is especially fun when I have no tables.
shift", until I started working in the fantasy world of a corporate restaurant. Sometimes it's hard to figure out just what the purpose of these twice daily time-wasters is...... informational.....okay.....pep talk?.....gimme a freaking break! We're servers...not the high school football team! Or is this the day that corporate pulled managements strings a little tighter and they're going to browbeat us into getting the "performance scopes" mentioned last week. Or are we going to have another stupid contest....like seeing who can sell the most wine flights? Corporate wants us to push these wine flights! Why! What difference does it make if we sell (actually, if the customer orders) a wine flight or a glass of wine? They're the same price! Besides that....it's bad enough (particularly when you're busy) that you have to stop and polish every wine glass...who wants to sell a table a bunch of wine flights and polish three times as many glasses?!? I mean really, common sense should prevail...but not at pre-shift. Heres' one of my favorites...."Don't break the dishes, they cost money." No shit! Seriously, one manager actully said this! Apparently we had never considered this concept.
I started to think of pre-shift as nothing more then the "Mangerial Self-Important Soapbox Lecture Series." Really now....if you want us to pay attetion, stick to the pertinent info....what's the soup of the day....what are the specials...and that pretty much covers it. We are not poking each other....rolling our eyes back....or making comments to each other because we are the immature little idiots you seem to think us to be......it's quite the opposite....we are simply amusing ourselves through a situation which is just too ridiculous to be true. This is when (if I haven't done it already) I frantically look over my left shoulder, jump up!...and run to the imaginary emergency at my table. ( I already know they need nothing). This is especially fun when I have no tables.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Doldrums can also describe people (who camp)
I love Monday nights....mostly because I don't work them. Ahhhhh but
Tuesday.....how do you describe a Tuesday crowd.....it's kind of like the tail end of a
hangover.....no one is too thrilled about anything...just going through the day....past that
point where you say "I'm never gonna drink again" all the while thinking ... eh, maybe tomorrow,
(and that includes the servers). We're just hoping we to make a few bucks...and then we hear that
little phrase that can screw up our entire night, pull you immediatly out of the fog you were
roaming around in, raise your blood pressure, and make you go in the kitchen and vent in a way
that would be totally unacceptable in the middle of the dining room, but would make any sailor
proud.....
"We haven't seen each other in a while."
Number one, we don't care. Number two, we don't want to care. Number three, you just told us
that you are going to take up our table for the rest of the night. Number four, (and this is the
most important number) we're losing money because of you. And! Just to pour salt in the wound,
you're both gonna order some stupid ass salad and split an entree....(which brings us to number
5, we don't care about your stupid ass diet) Now we're in the doldrums. There are people coming
in the door, but there is no room at the inn, in our section. So we watch in frustration as
money is being made all around us....our only recourse is to go back in the kitchen and make
another sailor proud.....and pull out the voodoo dolls....screw using pins....give me the big
cleaver!
People!!!! Let's use some common sense here......(and we're going to throw in some basic math
skills, also) The average amount of time we expect to have you at our table...is about an hour
(or less), we expect you to spend about $25.00 per person, and then you should leave a 20 percent
tip....after all, you don't want the whole world to know, if you're cheap. So if we have a table
of four, and then a table of two followed by a table of three......we should expect to make
approximately $44.00 from three turns of that table. If two people spend a total of $37.00, sit
there for three hours, and leave an $8.00 tip......(I told you there was math involved)
well...that is unacceptable....and now Julie (your server) has to tell her son that she can't
sign him up for little league because she didn't make enough money.....because self involved meal
splitting morons didn't think to compensate her for the time they camped out at her table.....
Tuesday.....how do you describe a Tuesday crowd.....it's kind of like the tail end of a
hangover.....no one is too thrilled about anything...just going through the day....past that
point where you say "I'm never gonna drink again" all the while thinking ... eh, maybe tomorrow,
(and that includes the servers). We're just hoping we to make a few bucks...and then we hear that
little phrase that can screw up our entire night, pull you immediatly out of the fog you were
roaming around in, raise your blood pressure, and make you go in the kitchen and vent in a way
that would be totally unacceptable in the middle of the dining room, but would make any sailor
proud.....
"We haven't seen each other in a while."
Number one, we don't care. Number two, we don't want to care. Number three, you just told us
that you are going to take up our table for the rest of the night. Number four, (and this is the
most important number) we're losing money because of you. And! Just to pour salt in the wound,
you're both gonna order some stupid ass salad and split an entree....(which brings us to number
5, we don't care about your stupid ass diet) Now we're in the doldrums. There are people coming
in the door, but there is no room at the inn, in our section. So we watch in frustration as
money is being made all around us....our only recourse is to go back in the kitchen and make
another sailor proud.....and pull out the voodoo dolls....screw using pins....give me the big
cleaver!
People!!!! Let's use some common sense here......(and we're going to throw in some basic math
skills, also) The average amount of time we expect to have you at our table...is about an hour
(or less), we expect you to spend about $25.00 per person, and then you should leave a 20 percent
tip....after all, you don't want the whole world to know, if you're cheap. So if we have a table
of four, and then a table of two followed by a table of three......we should expect to make
approximately $44.00 from three turns of that table. If two people spend a total of $37.00, sit
there for three hours, and leave an $8.00 tip......(I told you there was math involved)
well...that is unacceptable....and now Julie (your server) has to tell her son that she can't
sign him up for little league because she didn't make enough money.....because self involved meal
splitting morons didn't think to compensate her for the time they camped out at her table.....
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Bread is neither an appetizer nor a birthright.....
I mean really...this is not something that should have to be pointed out to
anyone....what's the big deal about bread? "You're gonna bring the bread, right? Oh, I
dont' think we need an appeitzer, the bread will be plenty"....let me interpret this for those who
have never worked in a restaurant......"We're far to cheap to pay for an appetizer....just bring
us mass quantities of the free bread." If I offered you a free appetizer in place of the
bread....you'd say "screw the bread." I bet 90 percent of the time, bread never hits your home
dinner table....Don't ya just love it when customers get indignant because you made the egregious
sin of not getting the bread......the second basket, no less, (the bread that is made from flour
sprinkled with gold dust) on the table, at or before the exact time when their greedy little
sauce-covered over-stuffed paw reached for it. It's not like we forgot to give you your dialysis
treatment!!!! How about this (for stupid statements) "We're bread eaters.." good for you, I don't
believe anyone inquired about the eating habits of your clan....."We just love the bread"....you
do realize that we have an entire menu of items that are not bread, we can help you with the big
words......I always eat too much bread,and then have a hard time finishing my
meal......moron.....looks like you've made a lifetime habit of that.... ..."What other kind of
bread have got?" OH! C"MON NOW!!!!......it's freaking bread!...you came here for a
meal....trust me...if you had no bread with your dinner tonight...you would will still be around
tomorrow to talk about it.....
anyone....what's the big deal about bread? "You're gonna bring the bread, right? Oh, I
dont' think we need an appeitzer, the bread will be plenty"....let me interpret this for those who
have never worked in a restaurant......"We're far to cheap to pay for an appetizer....just bring
us mass quantities of the free bread." If I offered you a free appetizer in place of the
bread....you'd say "screw the bread." I bet 90 percent of the time, bread never hits your home
dinner table....Don't ya just love it when customers get indignant because you made the egregious
sin of not getting the bread......the second basket, no less, (the bread that is made from flour
sprinkled with gold dust) on the table, at or before the exact time when their greedy little
sauce-covered over-stuffed paw reached for it. It's not like we forgot to give you your dialysis
treatment!!!! How about this (for stupid statements) "We're bread eaters.." good for you, I don't
believe anyone inquired about the eating habits of your clan....."We just love the bread"....you
do realize that we have an entire menu of items that are not bread, we can help you with the big
words......I always eat too much bread,and then have a hard time finishing my
meal......moron.....looks like you've made a lifetime habit of that.... ..."What other kind of
bread have got?" OH! C"MON NOW!!!!......it's freaking bread!...you came here for a
meal....trust me...if you had no bread with your dinner tonight...you would will still be around
tomorrow to talk about it.....
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