When you approach a table....and the first thing out of someone's mouth (before you have a chance to even say hello) is a reference to bread, such as "When you bring the bread...." an answer we'd love to give is: "I'm sorry, due to your complete lack of manners and total ignorance of social graces, you will not be receiving any bread today." (This sounds particularly well if you have a British accent)
Stupid statement: "I'd like to make up my own dish..."
Reply: "We have a large menu with many items, We have professionally trained chefs who travel abroad to bring you authenic regional food, and I'm reasonably sure these chefs can cook better than you can.....so, no, you self-important ass....you may NOT make up your own dish.
Stupid statement: (without looking at the menu) "You used to have this salad a few years ago..." (annnnddd...that 's the whole statement...not a lot to work with) So I ask her, "Can you tell me what was in it?"
"No." Again, we're not advancing this any further......(let's try this from another angle) "Can you tell me anything about it...what it tasted like...any ingredients?"
"No. I don't remember."
Okay, I tried.....but this started out as a stupid conversation and it is just getting worse.....
Reply: "I'm sorry, we've discontiuned our salad service, what with the great lettuce famine a few years ago....that was right after we found out that the migrant workers were pissing on the lettuce.....so we stopped buying it for a while....we do keep some lettuce on hand now....but these salads are served only as a reward for those who can actually read a menu, and apparently that is a group to which you do not belong."
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