Toilet paper or orange juice?

I remember going to the grocery, getting what I needed, and it was no big deal...but I'm in Michigan, and itnsucks right now.  As servers and bartenders, we are making less money than we did last year, and last year we made less money than we did the year before.............



Okay, you need to get some food…..but you’ve got to be really careful with what you buy…..after all, part of the food money will be money that was once again slated for something else i.e. car payment, rent, etc…..you buy what’s on sale and if there’s nothing on sale you buy the house brand……or you just don’t buy it. Here’s how you justify buying one of those salad mixes in the bag…..you know, you can get a Caesar mix or An Asian Blend……anyway…….the salad mix is $3.99.…..that in itself really isn’t that much money……you can add some chicken and get two meals ………but you can’t max the total past $30.00. So instead of just being $3.99 bag of salad…it becomes 10% of your money. ….shit…alright, let’s rethink this….I could buy a head of lettuce and get more than two salads out of it…..but every time I do that, I never eat it all and I end up throwing it out…..what a waste…..but still…..no, every time you tell yourself that, this time I will finish it, you never finish it, so what makes you think that this time is gonna be different? HOLY SHIT! WOULD YOU LOOK OVER THERE!!!!THE SALAD BAGS ARE ON SALE FOR $1.99!!!!!! Cool. I can justify a dollar a salad, plus chicken.

Okay, that was fun……I don’t know about you, but I gotta turn this into a game….or I’d go nuts. (and yes, it’s been suggested that perhaps I am already there)

Alright , let’s try another one…..coffee……I’ll probably have to stop at the Dollar Store on the way home and get it there. It’s usually two bucks cheaper. Does two dollars really make a difference? Absolutely. I’m not gonna use any gas up, since the dollar store is a block from where I live……and I can spend the two bucks on something else……oh-son-of-a-gun……would you look at that!!! Coffee is on sale, and it’s a dollar cheaper than the dollar store (and The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings “Hallelujah!) okay this changes everything……nowwwwwwwww………..

I go back and get a piece of the salmon I was eyeing….it’ll be two meals…..and now I’ll get the asparagus that was on sale…….and now I’m getting two good, healthy meals, and, I’ll cook it outside on the grill….I can cook it all at once…and then all I have to do is heat it up!

A lot of work, just to grocery shop.

As to the toilet paper or orange juice question……if you chose orange juice I don’t want to come over to your house.

Management shines again...........

Corporate restaurants seem to like seasonal menu changes....that's okay....a few changes


here and there....they prepare a new dish for us, and we all dig in like sharks in a

feeding frenzy. Hey, it's free food.


However, this time they went over the top. Not only are there more changes then has ever

been...this time there will be a test on the menu. The entire menu. The rules of this

test are...you have to get 90 % or better....or you will not be working. After working at

both corporate and privately owned restaurants, I think this is a lot stringent. At the

private restaurant, I had two days of follows, then they put me on the floor. My first

day on my own was Mother's Day. I had never tasted any of the food. I found that I can

up sell, (appetizers, drinks, desserts) just as easily at one place as another. I don't

need to know every ingredient. In fact, it hasn't hindered me at all.


The real kicker about the test was the scoring system. They (being the managers) decided

to have four members of the kitchen staff grade the tests. however, they did not give

them any sort of system for checking said test. One of the four used a 26 point scoring

system...another used a point scale of 78. Wee bit of a difference there, wouldn't you

say?


One group of four servers all copied off of each other, so all the answers were pretty

much the same.

Two other servers totally copied off of each other, and their answers were exactly the

same. One got 95%, and the other, whose test was checked by a different person got 75%.


Only 2 people passed....so now they all have to re-take test by within five days, or they

won't be working.


So what did we learn from this whole fiasco? That the inmates are running the asylum.
 

The Customer is Always Right (NOT!)

Excerpt from book:

"The customer is always right"m is one of the most worn out, over-used, pull-it-out-of-your- ass expressions that still circulates in the world of commerce.  Whoever (the name escapes me at the moment) coined that phrase was NOT dealing in a situation where alcohol was involved.

People always seem to blurt out that phrase when they know they haven't got a leg to stand on.  For instance, (I'm glad you asked), you go into a grocery store, you pile up $150.00 worth of food in your cart, and then proceed to tell the cashier that this food is only worth $100.00, and that's all you are going to pay.  Do you really expect the cashier to say, "Okay, you're the customer, you're right!"  Not in this life time and not on this planet!

I love it when people blurt out "I'm the customer and I'm right!"

"You're right, you are the customer."

"And I"m right."

"Right, left, let's not discuss politics."

"I'm not talking politics, I'm the customer!"

"You're right, you're the customer."

"And I'm right!"

"Okay and Bob is sitting to your left, which would be my right."

"NO!!! I"m right!!!!"

"You will always be right to those sitting on your left, no matter where you are."

"NOOOOOOOO!  I'm saying I AM right!"

"Hi Right, I'm Gretchen."

"Oh forget about it, can I just have another beer, please?"

If you were wondering what MR. Right was so adamant about being right about, it doesn't matter, he can't
remember and I don't care.

Coupons........

Let's take an analytical look at coupons....

First of all...they are designed for one thing...to get you in the restaurant....we hope

you like what you had and will come back again....I remember a time when restaurant

coupons were almost unheard of....maybe there would be one in the Metro Passbook....but

other than that they were far and few between...now you can have a night where every one

of your tables is sporting a coupon....great...we do not love this......we love that you

are there...but more often than not....it is the servers who suffer because of the

coupon....If you have a $20.00 coupon....great...you'd just saved $20.00....we're happy

for you...but why should the server have to take a pay cut.....


Tip on the the original amount of the bill....it's even printed on some of the

coupons.....I can understand using the coupon...I live in Michigan...the poster child for

the messed up economy.....


AND THEN.....we get the people who try and scam a bunch of coupons at one table...when it

clearly states one coupon per table...then you pretend you didn't see that part...or are

your reading skills sub-standard, perhaps you have a next to zero command of the English

language....

I know all servers have heard this..."Well then, we want separate checks"....oh, aren't

you clever...like you're the first one to come up with this scheme....how would you feel

if your employer told you, "By the way, we're running a special, so you have to take a

$5.00 an hour pay cut." It doesn't matter where you work, or what you do....I'm sure this

wouldn't set well with you.....and don't even try and hit me with "It's your choice to do

this type of work" crap....all you're doing is showing the world you're a cheap ass.....

after all, actions speak louder than words.....




 

Cell Phones........

I didn't even own a cell phone until I was 42, and no one was texting then.....




I didn't realize how prevalent texting had become, until I started working at a restaurant again. All the 20 somethings were never without their phones....I was puzzled by this at first....I mean, I made it through over a quarter century of working in restaurants, without ever having a cell phone. What's the big deal? We somehow managed to make all of our plans for the evening without them.....what's going on?



The managers were forever on every one's ass about cell phone usage while working.... yet some managers were constantly pulling out their own cell phones...do as I say, not as I do....right.....do you really think you can enforce a rule and not follow it yourselves? Apparently so....one manager had a bad habit of pulling his phone out in full view of everyone, (good example bud), yeah, we're not really gonna follow this rule as long as you keep shoving your phone usage in our face. This is the same manager who threatened to drop any one's cell phone in the deep fryer, if he caught them using it. I'm not sure, but I don't foreign objects like a phone, are supposed to mingle in the deep fryer with someone's order of calamari.



At least we try to be discrete, like, we hide in the netherlands of the kitchen....or go to a corner of the restaurant where we know you can't see us....or go out to the so-called smoking lounge, behind the big wooden gate by the dumpster.



It took a while, but I found myself caught up in the texting frenzy. This shit is great! I just wish I was as fast as the 20 somethings are.



Then one server broadened my vocabulary.....I was sending a somewhat sexy text one day...and she informed that this type of communication is called "Sexting." Gotta love these guys...they make up a word for everything.

I also stumbled across another, yet I'm sure totally unexpected use for cell phones. Collateral. I got tired of loaning out my wine key, never to see it again....so I would take their cell phone as collateral.....never lost a wine key after that.

...uniforms.....

No one wants to spend money on their uniforms.....especially when you have a slow



night...and you don't even make enough to buy a shirt....it's especially maddening when


you have to wear white shirts....do you know how hard it is to keep white shirts clean


when you handle food, bread trays, wine, and dipping oil, among other things? Of course


you do! Someone needs to tell corporate that white shirts are, well, stupid. And then


they want to inspect your shirt, make sure the cuffs are clean, it is pressed with creases


down the arms...and let's not forget those dark marks on your shoulder from carrying heavy


trays....



Okay, we'll get to the Grease Release.....there was a quarterly employee meeting...there


was some stupid contest.....I don't remember what it was ...because all the contest were


stupid....anyway.....there were bags with prizes in them.....many bags contained a bottle


of Grease Release, because they had heard that it gets the grease stains out of white


shirts....you may think that's kind of a cheesy prize....and you would be


right....however I still have not figured out the prize I received.....socks. No shit...


I'm at a restaurant meeting and I get socks....



One guy didn't want to buy new shoes...so he painted his tennis shoes black...(he's still


wearing them)...others, myself included, have used Gorilla Glue to hold shoes


together....oh, and a stapler can serve as sewing machine for a hem.....



P.S. ....if you want to get out those grease stains.....use any dish detergent that cuts


grease....Like Dawn....(done the research, it works)



 

...another look at the differences.......

I know we've been here before...we compared uniforms and eating policies.......but there's


some really good stuff here....so lets go back for a minute....and this time we'll compare


sidework....



Bread


Private restaurant:

"We need bread!"



Corporate restaurant:

First you (you, meaning the server assigned to bread that evening) have to make sure the

oven is set at 350 degrees....make sure there's plenty of trays of bread thawed and ready

to go in the oven....if you start running low....get a case out of the deep freeze....and

tray it up so it's thawed in time.....before putting bread in the oven...you first must

brush it with olive oil...(be sure and keep your white shirt clean)...don't forget to set

the timer.....then run out front, to the bread station and set the timer there, as

well....if the dipping oil runs low, refill it, even if you have to go to the walk-in to

get more oil and your section is full, wile your at it...see if the timer went off, hunt

down the worn out useless oven mitts...and bring the hot trays of thawed out frozen bread

to the front...and that's just your running sidework during the shift...



Kitchen



Private restaurant:

Wipe down those counters....put plastic wrap over the silverware....shut off the bread

warmer...empty the leftover bread into a basket and replace the pans.





Corporate restaurant:

Empty leftover iced tea into large container, clean iced tea machine....empty coffee

urns...clean...take off brew baskets, give to dishwasher...wipe down machine....take

grates out of cappuchino machine...give to dishwasher...wipe down machine...(good luck

cleaning the steaming wand)...refill ice bin...take nozzles off of soft drink machine and

soak in soda water, take grate out of soft drink machine, and backsplash, and give to

dishwasher...restock paper towels, straws, to go containers, to go bags, refill plastic

boxes that hold coffee, if necessary...wipe down counter, wipe down what we lovingly call

the puke wall....it is the wall behind the garbage can we scrape all the leftover food

into, put glass racks up on shelf, sweep, restock coffee cups, beverage glasses, tea pots,

coffee saucers, spoons....there may be more...but you get my drift....

How to make more money in the same time frame.....

The nice thing about being a server....

your income is not tied down to the confines of an hourly wage....the harder you work...or

the more tables you get...the more money you make....if it's a busy night, you're all

set...if it's a busy night and you work with people who tend to get a little

flustered...then it's even better...


Ya gotta love it when the manager tells yo to pick up another table because someone else

is in the weeds....or in non-restaurant talk...overwhelmed...


If you're a seasoned server...no one can get you flustered...and some nights that's

tough...but if you can keep your "ass hole radar" running at full steam....then you're a

leg up on the rest....and if you're a well seasoned server...you've got a better line of

bull shit so said ass holes don't get out of line in the first place.....


So you've got a full section, plus the table the manager just gave you...and now one of

your fellow servers pulls you aside, and out of desperation asks you pick up one of their

tables...because they can't keep up...cool....two extra tables...and then the other

manager on the floor asks you to pick up one more table...even more cool....


See...since you got each one of the three extra tables from three different people...no

one really knows how many tables you have...(including the managers....so you smile to

yourself...ya got a fast song going through your head (I've always favored "I Wanna Rock

and Roll All Night" by Kiss) and you power through, knowing it can only last a little

while....sometimes it's good to be old and experienced....besides making more money, (and no, that's not

greedy, we all have bills to pay) just liken this to doing a good deed...the manager thinks you did him a

favor...(although we don't care what they think)....and  the server knows you did them a favor...all's fair.....


  

Excerpt from "The Bar Wench From Hell"

GIN



As I was describing the taste of gin to someone, I likened it to distilled pine tress, with

a little kerosene mixed in for that extra flavor boost.

I remember talking to a young attorney one time, who started drinking martini's, because he

thought that sounded like something an attorney should drink. So he spent quite a while

choking his way through God knows how many martinis before he finally acquired a taste for

them. As a side note, I never was convinced that the attorney really acquired a "taste"

for martinis, I think he just numbed out his taste buds. My first clue was the fact that

he made a face every time he took a sip.

My first thought was, "Why bother?" Frankly I think gin stinks.I can't stand the taste

of it. If given the choice, I think I'd rather smoke the pine tree and use the kerosene to

light it.

You know, come to think of it, gin had a pretty good front man. Whoever did the P.R. for

gin, and made everyone think that martinis were cool did one hell of a marketing job

because I can't think of any other reason anyone would drink the stuff.

they say gin comes from England. I f you think about it, their food isn't any good either.

Maybe the gin is to dull the taste buds before digging into a bowl of gruel.

Inside three minds....

Let's just take a quick look at the way three different types of minds work.....


The Server mind.......

Okay...I've gotta get two salads for table 44, oh yeah...and 1 salad and 1 soup for table 43...may as well get those at the same time....oh! bread for both...plus dipping oil.....may as well put it all on a large tray....save a trip...I can load the tray back up with the empty dishes from table 52....drop the dishes off...run over to the service bar..see if my drinks are ready....get 2 iced teas on the way....grab a dish of butter for 44.....gotta remember to ask Sara if we are going bowling tonight....gotta put the entrees for 43 and 44 in the computer....etc.



The Engineer mind....

I've never been an engineer, but this is what one told me.....there is a squirrel and a chipmunk in my head....the chipmunk is trying to run on the hamster wheel....the squirrel is tossing dice..one of the dice has a chip in it so it always comes up 6.....there is a picture of a man on the wall...they think he may be Greek....there is a lottery ticket on the floor...it is a $1.00 winner...it is torn in half...the chipmunk and squirrel argue about this.....on one half the squirrel wrote down his pin # for the ATM machine (you're not supposed to write those down) the hamster wheel has been painted too many times and no longer turns....sudden input overload!...the hamster wheel falls over, the picture of the man on the wall they think may be Greek falls, landing on the squirrel, the chipmunk lights the lottery ticket on fire.....the fire melts the dice...

"You know, Jim, I believe we can get funding for this project."



The Restaurant Manager mind.....

"We've gotta set up a table for twelve..so we'll need to push some tables together...I'm pretty sure if we put six on each side we'll have enough...so let's push these 3 tables together...well...now that I see them together I think we should switch out the table at this end for the table at the other end....and then if we put one chair on each end...then how many will we need for each side....oh wait a minute I forgot we need room for a table of 10 also...maybe we should move the 12 to the front and put the 10 here...and then we could ...oh wait...who's working in these sections....maybe we should put water glasses out...here let's line up these chairs and see how many will fit here....is this the table for 10 or 12...well why isn't it over there....wait...change this tablecloth....where are we putting the 10?.....

When managers get too invovled

......things sometimes have a tendency to get fubar (love that term...heard it in a Mel Gibson movie, you remember, "effed up beyond all recognition")...anyways....




Example number one....during the holiday season, many companies have holiday luncheons or parties....so the banquet room is in full use...many of the tables in the dining room need to be pushed together to accommodate all the smaller groups, plus you still have your regular diners.....so the managers go into severe mental overload when it comes to scheduling all the help needed for this time of year....I was helping out with this one season, and after playing around with a scheduling template for a few days...I came up with a chart on a single sheet of paper, that showed who was on the regular schedule....who was on call...and the extra personnel needed to work these parties....i.e. ....who precisely was doing what on any given day, for a week at a time....the servers loved it, and were able to tell what they would be doing each day...because we are good at working as a team, (we did not have to go to school for this)....however the managers....in all their wisdom, decided it was better to argue amongst themselves. I'm guessing because it wasn't their idea, they felt obligated to start changing things.....so one would make a change, not tell the others...and upon learning about a change....then another would make changes, and in the spirit of true one-up-man-ship, of course, again, not tell the others....so you can see how things can quickly fall apart and get totally fubar....so...."Organization be Damned" (I think this is an intermediate level managerial class) within a week they scraped the whole thing....not because it didn't work...but because of their innate need to trip over themselves and make things far more complicated than they ever needed to be.....



Let's go back to cake cutting for a minute....we had a system...those who did not like to cut cakes, simply (simply being the operative word) sought out one who didn't mind cutting cakes, and covered their ass while said cake cutting was being done....enter a manager, who, after his/her arrival, (without gathering any information), decided that the monumental task (in their limited opinion) of cutting a cake was far too important for a mere server to be able to handle, decided that he/she was the only one capable of such an overwhelming task...which probably tripled the time of the cake cutting procedure. We were also reminded not to run with scissors....

Be sure to check out my book!  Follow this link: http://www.bookfinder4u.com/search_author/Gretchen_Hocking.html

Private vs. Corporate

I was pondering some of the differences between a corporate restaurant and a privately owned restaurant....here are a couple that I came up with for now.....



Uniforms:

Private restaurant- Black pants, Long-sleeved black shirt that buttons, blue tie, any shade or pattern, black shoes, short black apron. Nice, concise.

Corporate restaurant- Black pants, Long-sleeved white shirt that buttons, with button-down collar (must be 100 percent cotton, like they're gonna know), tie, white t-shirt, black belt, black shoes (must be polishable), black socks,long black apron, $20.00 bank, 3 black pens, crumber,lighter, wine key, 1 pair of earrings, no larger than a quarter, I think there may be more....maybe some rules about hair color.....


Food:

Private restaurant- Help yourself to all the soup, salad and bread you want.....anytime you want.....

Corporate restaurant- Like everything else here, soup and salad are pretty much under lock and key....we have to get the soup from the cooks, and the salad from the pantry people....they tell us it is because the soup is expensive.....c'mon, lobster bisque is made from shrimp shells and maybe the occasional lobster shell....I'm pretty sure those are by-products, come to think of it....soup itself is mostly a by- product...

salad...who knows...but the pantry people don'tspeak much English...so they usually just give us what we want...so we occasionally snag a few salads

but the bread...don't even try to tell us it's expensive...so don't even go there....no wait a min....please....oh shit...fast foward to a pre-shift meeting....."Our bread costs are some of the highest in the company, so that means you guys are eating too much bread, stop eating the bread".....

Well, of course we'll cut that cake for you!......

Even though you completely bypassed our

dessert menu and brought your own....we understand that cake is oftentimes used as a

celebratory tool for what many believe to be major events in their lives. After all,

we're a restaurant, not a bakery. so...bring that cake in! How many people will it be

serving? 30? Not a problem! Standard industry fee for cutting a cake is $1.00 per

person. What? You think that's high? Let me show you how to rethink that.....first of

all, we're letting you bring food into a restaurant, we could say no. We do realize that

if you had orderd 30 individual desserts, it would cost 5 to 6 times that much, and when

we include the price of the cake....you are still saving about half the dessert cost. So,

keeping that in mind...don't bitch about the cake cutting fee. Really, we'd be glad to

plop it down in front you, give you a knife, (the knife part we don't really want to do)

and let you have at it.....or....you can just let us do it in the back where we have

plenty of room to work.

What's that?.....are we trained in the art of cake cutting? Nooo...again this is not a

bakery....however there is a simple way to do it...and those who are not confident in

their ability to cut this cake and not totally screw it up...will practice common sense

and will seek out one of the ones who has figured out cake math.

Cake math is relatively easy (because I can understand it), what makes it more difficult

(the slicing, not the math) is when you have an elaborately decroated cake. Rectangular

sheet cakes are simple...if you want 30 slices....you make 4 cuts in one direction,

leaving 5 rows, and 5 cuts in the other direction, leaving 6 rows. Round cakes with all

sorts of decorative items on them are a little trickier....like when the side is ringed

with lady fingers all standing on end, or so much shaved white chocolate that it looks

like a snowstorm.

One of my fellow servers had two of these round cakes one evening and was looking for

someone to cut them....he was so desperate to have someone else to do this....he took over

my entire section while I sliced cake.

P.S. Don't ever leave a half eaten cake in the server kitchen area....it won't be there

when you get back....and we will all be licking frosting off of our fingers.

Do we like this work, or are we just crazy? .....yes

What is it that keeps some of us doing this work year after year? ......I'm glad you

asked...I've been pondering the same thing myself...here's what I came up with....

We are adrenaline junkies....we love when the rush hits....it's five in the evening...the

dinner crowd starts to trickle in....we're methodically moving along..and then BAM!!!! The

rush hits...every table is full....no time to think about anything other than what you are

doing...your mind is continually organizing and re-organizing everything you have to

do...this is a great exercise for keeping the mind nimble....then, in what feels like 15

minutes...it's time to go home.....

For some...it's like getting paid to have a social life...you go to work....shoot the bull

with your fellow servers...run your ass off....talk a little more...and then it's time to

go home....

It's a great alternative for those of us who are missing the 9 to 5 gene.....

If you're over 50...hell if you're over 40 and can still do this...you definitely have a

leg up (physically) over everyone else in your age group...(and even a whole lotta those

younger than you)

And.....freedom.....just because you're scheduled, doesn't mean you have to work.....as

long as you find someone to cover your shift.....you're set to go...and on the flip side...you

need some extra cash....see who's scheduled and call them and ask them if they want the

night off......

Why wait a year for a vacation, if you want in two next month.....just fill out the request off

form, (with as much advance notice as possible, we do want to be polite)

No one cares how much or how little you work......

Prima Donna Chef

I do not believe it is a birthright that if one becomes a chef...one gets to cop serious

attitude.  Somewhere along the way....they picked up the notion that they are never

wrong.... au contraire my white-coated pains-in-the-ass....

I watch a customer take a bite of their entree...and almost choke because it is so

spicy!..So I run it back to the chef and tell him this dish was to be made WITHOUT any hot

spices whatsoever!.....Chef Shit-for-Brains still has the ticket...looks at it and

laughs...it clearly states (in English) "NOT SPICY".....he looks at me and says,"Oh, I

thought it said "Extra spicy." Now you know how Chef Shit-for-Brains got his name.


Then there was Chef My-Shit-Don't-Stink....a server had just finished delivering food to

one of his tables....one of the dishes was prepared incorrectly...he immediatlely brought

it back to Chef My-Shit-Don't-Stink...Chef tried to wave him off....seriously now...this

problem needs to be fixed right away...the other 3 people at the table are eating...(I'm

pretty sure they came out to eat as a group) we really need to get diner number four's

food back to him as quickly as possible......so the server shows the chef the

ticket....clearly, the chef screwed up....let's just fix it....but no...Chef My-Shit-

Don't-Stink has a different solution...he tells the server to get out of his face.....that

was a solution we did not see coming...(perhaps we had set the bar too high by expecting a

reasonable solution)....but then...the chef doesn't have to deal with the customer....nor

is this going to affect his wages, the same way it is going to affect our tip....

I forgot about that table!!!!! (a recurring nightmare)

It's busy....you're running around...for some reason you have a table out of your section....and what do you do with that stray table you have at the other end of the restaurant.....at least once or twice (or 3 or 4 times) you'll forget about it.....of course the customers will never know.....

okay...okay...got eveything under control....both of the 2 tops are eating their entrees....just got the order for the four top and the group of six...(doing everything simultaneously for them) tell the four and the six that bread's in the oven....be out in a minute....go in the back for a second...grab a drink of water....you're all caught up...OH SHIT!!!!! I forgot about the 2 in the alcove at the far end of the restaurant....drop the water!.....grab a tray...(you always look busier if you have a tray with you) go into a full tilt run through the kitchen....need to pass by the server with the big tray on their shoulder....you duck under it....go flying around the corner on two wheels...a near collision with another server coming towards you on her way back to the kitchen...(I think we have built in radar...a lot of "near collisions"...but never any hits, it's amazing how agile we are at maneuvering out of the way at the last second, while carrying a full tray)...out of the kitchen now....the running slows to a brisk walk....you approach the table....they are still reading the menus...sipping their cocktails...."yes!"....they have no comprehension of how long you've been gone and are totally unaware that you had completely forgotten about them.... .now you let them know that you are going to let them have a nice leisurely dinnner...not gonna rush them...you want them to relax and enjoy their evening....they're happy and feeling all special and shit....you just pre-purchased some time for the next time you forget about them.....because in about ten of fifteen minutes...you'll be running the kitchen obstacle course again....

"Where the hell did my pens go?!?......"

I have not done any extensive traveling...therefore I do not know the customs of different countries and cultures.....however I do know that when you are presented with a charge slip to sign....and there is also a pen to sign it with....that the pen does not belong to anyone but the server....It's my pen!!!!!It's not the fact that they are cheap and easily replaced...(I get them at the dollar store)...it's a matter of, it's MY pen!!!!!!! I shouldn't....NONE of us should have to run and buy pens everyday.....how would they like it if I took a shoe? "How am I supposed to get to my car without a shoe?" "How am I supposed to write down the next dumbass order without a pen?"

I had a table of twelve businessmen from Japan.....they were here for the auto show. (This is metro Detroit, the auto show starts here) these particular gentlemen wanted everything on one tab...then they wanted it divided by twelve...so they could each use their own credit card. Sweet. Gotta love those separate checks. So we print out twelve checks...put them in twelve separate check presenters...and put out as many pens as we can. When all was said and done...and they were gone...the server with whom I was working went and gathered up all twelve of the check presenters...and set them in a neat stack next to me. As I was going through them, I realized there was now a severe pen shortage.

"Hey Amber! Where's the rest of my pens?"

"I brought them all to you."

"There were 8 pens! There's only one here!

"That's all they left."

Oh c'mon!!! They were cheap-ass pens...the caps weren't even on them!!!! (I hope they leak in their pockets) As I stated before.....I do not know the customs of different cultures.....Perhaps the stealing of pens is a rite of passage where they come from. Whatever.....back to the dollar store.....

Why waste the hours?......

I found out the hard way, that managers in corporate restaurant freak out when you hit overtime.....(yeah, overtime at $2.65 an hour is gonna break the bank.)

So....I show up for my shift...only to be told upon entering the building....that I had too many hours for the week and couldn't work today. Well, doesn't that just bite the big one?!? Then, all that are standing at the host stand, giving me this news look up and say (in unison) "Didn't anyone call you?"

"No. I didn't get any freaking phone call!"

"Oh yeah, figures...they're not very good about that." Great.....they have the wherewithal to see exctly how many hours I've worked...but they don't know how to make a simple call.....I hope this doesn't speak a general message of all their managerial skills.....lol lol lol lol

So I find out about the 40 hour thing....then I realize that when you arrive at the restaurant...you sometimes have no tables for an hour or so.......now that would be a waste of hours.....then....a server (who shall remain nameless) slowly waked by and whispered, "We don't punch in until we get a table."

Well, now that was a nice "aha" moment....so by invoking that rule into my schedule...I was able to save countless hours of wasted time, work more days, and no one was the wiser. Nice.

So I took it a step further.....I was teaching the training classes...(way back when I thought I might try manager candidate school) this was supposed to count as part of my 40 hours....I didnt agree with that...I did not want to give up precious server hours...to get paid a still meager hourly wage......so I didn't punch in for class.....it took them a year to figure that out....by that time I had already quit doing the classes........

What the hell happened to my life?!?!?!

If you find yourself sitting there wondering the same thing.....don't dwell on it too long...find something positive to think about...here's an example.....

Okay....my business is gone...I'm about to lose my home of 18 years...(do you know how much stuff I have to pack up or get rid of).....the income property is a money pit, probably gonna lose that too....I went from business owner to 50 something waitress....however!!! I discovered something while on a restaurant sponsored "field trip" type outing. I'm the best girl bowler!!! Yay!!!! (Hey, get your perks while you can!) So now....what this means is.....the ice is cracked....I'm in.....so now I'm popular with those who know how to bowl, or just like to go ......we can talk about bowling....(granted, that's a short conversation) and now I am invited to the impromptu after work bowling parties.....Ya know, I hadn't been bowling in quite a while...so my right arm was pretty much shot the next day.....thank God it wasn't my tray arm......and it's so comforting to see that some things never change over the decades.....like, bowling is one of the few sports that still promotes drinking.....

Fast foward to the annual holiday party.....this is held in January....with the two restaurants next to us....at a bowling alley! The best boy bowler heard that we were gonna have a litle competition with the other two restaurants...so he started putting a team together.....he's the best boy bowler and I'm the best girl bowler...we're automatically on...(hey! that's the beauty of putting the team together, I was his first recruit...so I got to help choose the rest.) He was thinking perhaps we should have tryouts....I was thinking we should take whoever we can get.

Things we'd really like to say......

When you approach a table....and the first thing out of someone's mouth (before you have a chance to even say hello) is a reference to bread, such as "When you bring the bread...." an answer we'd love to give is: "I'm sorry, due to your complete lack of manners and total ignorance of social graces, you will not be receiving any bread today."  (This sounds particularly well if you have a British accent)

Stupid statement: "I'd like to make up my own dish..."

Reply: "We have a large menu with many items, We have professionally trained chefs who travel abroad to bring you authenic regional food, and I'm reasonably sure these chefs can cook better than you can.....so, no, you self-important ass....you may NOT make up your own dish.

Stupid statement: (without looking at the menu) "You used to have this salad a few years ago..." (annnnddd...that 's the whole statement...not a lot to work with) So I ask her, "Can you tell me what was in it?"

"No." Again, we're not advancing this any further......(let's try this from another angle) "Can you tell me anything about it...what it tasted like...any ingredients?"

"No. I don't remember."

Okay, I tried.....but this started out as a stupid conversation and it is just getting worse.....

Reply: "I'm sorry, we've discontiuned our salad service, what with the great lettuce famine a few years ago....that was right after we found out that the migrant workers were pissing on the lettuce.....so we stopped buying it for a while....we do keep some lettuce on hand now....but these salads are served only as a reward for those who can actually read a menu, and apparently that is a group to which you do not belong."

...........it's not easy to go into work when....

 ...the wait staff is constantly being threatened with the phrase..."I'll write you up." A write up is when you have committed a sin so terrible.....it must be documented in writing, signed...dated...co-signed....and I think ass-igned......technically, when you hit 3, they can fire you.....(don't sneeze the wrong way)

Apparently grammer doesn't matter on these supposedly highly-important official communications that may or may not go to corporate....one of my last ones started out...(in the words of the manager du jour) "He say when I get to the table....."

OH! On one of my last write-ups....just in case you were wondering what it was for.....actually...so am I .....so I wrote down exactly what I was thinking....(in the small space provided for this on the official write up form......so I put "I have no idea what you are talking about."  (They presented me with this info about 3 weeks after the fact) This put a puzzled look on the face of the manager(s). I do not believe they are taught how to deal with a phrase that might indicate that they were not correct in their assessment of a particular situation, back in manager training school.

Okay...here's a write up I do know the reason for.......there is a mini white board in the kitchen....it lists who has what sidework for the shift.....saw my name by bar sidestand...cool......a couple of hours later...when there is a bread deficit....one of the managers goes ape shit (it's' not pretty...small children should be evauated from the area).....(she has to pull a case of (fresh) bread out of the freezer).....so she decides to write up everyone on the bread team....Somehow the chart had been changed, and unbeknownst to me, I was a part of the bread team. So....that's more clear than the last one....right?