Prima Donna Chef

I do not believe it is a birthright that if one becomes a chef...one gets to cop serious

attitude.  Somewhere along the way....they picked up the notion that they are never

wrong.... au contraire my white-coated pains-in-the-ass....

I watch a customer take a bite of their entree...and almost choke because it is so

spicy!..So I run it back to the chef and tell him this dish was to be made WITHOUT any hot

spices whatsoever!.....Chef Shit-for-Brains still has the ticket...looks at it and

laughs...it clearly states (in English) "NOT SPICY".....he looks at me and says,"Oh, I

thought it said "Extra spicy." Now you know how Chef Shit-for-Brains got his name.


Then there was Chef My-Shit-Don't-Stink....a server had just finished delivering food to

one of his tables....one of the dishes was prepared incorrectly...he immediatlely brought

it back to Chef My-Shit-Don't-Stink...Chef tried to wave him off....seriously now...this

problem needs to be fixed right away...the other 3 people at the table are eating...(I'm

pretty sure they came out to eat as a group) we really need to get diner number four's

food back to him as quickly as possible......so the server shows the chef the

ticket....clearly, the chef screwed up....let's just fix it....but no...Chef My-Shit-

Don't-Stink has a different solution...he tells the server to get out of his face.....that

was a solution we did not see coming...(perhaps we had set the bar too high by expecting a

reasonable solution)....but then...the chef doesn't have to deal with the customer....nor

is this going to affect his wages, the same way it is going to affect our tip....

I forgot about that table!!!!! (a recurring nightmare)

It's busy....you're running around...for some reason you have a table out of your section....and what do you do with that stray table you have at the other end of the restaurant.....at least once or twice (or 3 or 4 times) you'll forget about it.....of course the customers will never know.....

okay...okay...got eveything under control....both of the 2 tops are eating their entrees....just got the order for the four top and the group of six...(doing everything simultaneously for them) tell the four and the six that bread's in the oven....be out in a minute....go in the back for a second...grab a drink of water....you're all caught up...OH SHIT!!!!! I forgot about the 2 in the alcove at the far end of the restaurant....drop the water!.....grab a tray...(you always look busier if you have a tray with you) go into a full tilt run through the kitchen....need to pass by the server with the big tray on their shoulder....you duck under it....go flying around the corner on two wheels...a near collision with another server coming towards you on her way back to the kitchen...(I think we have built in radar...a lot of "near collisions"...but never any hits, it's amazing how agile we are at maneuvering out of the way at the last second, while carrying a full tray)...out of the kitchen now....the running slows to a brisk walk....you approach the table....they are still reading the menus...sipping their cocktails...."yes!"....they have no comprehension of how long you've been gone and are totally unaware that you had completely forgotten about them.... .now you let them know that you are going to let them have a nice leisurely dinnner...not gonna rush them...you want them to relax and enjoy their evening....they're happy and feeling all special and shit....you just pre-purchased some time for the next time you forget about them.....because in about ten of fifteen minutes...you'll be running the kitchen obstacle course again....

"Where the hell did my pens go?!?......"

I have not done any extensive traveling...therefore I do not know the customs of different countries and cultures.....however I do know that when you are presented with a charge slip to sign....and there is also a pen to sign it with....that the pen does not belong to anyone but the server....It's my pen!!!!!It's not the fact that they are cheap and easily replaced...(I get them at the dollar store)...it's a matter of, it's MY pen!!!!!!! I shouldn't....NONE of us should have to run and buy pens everyday.....how would they like it if I took a shoe? "How am I supposed to get to my car without a shoe?" "How am I supposed to write down the next dumbass order without a pen?"

I had a table of twelve businessmen from Japan.....they were here for the auto show. (This is metro Detroit, the auto show starts here) these particular gentlemen wanted everything on one tab...then they wanted it divided by twelve...so they could each use their own credit card. Sweet. Gotta love those separate checks. So we print out twelve checks...put them in twelve separate check presenters...and put out as many pens as we can. When all was said and done...and they were gone...the server with whom I was working went and gathered up all twelve of the check presenters...and set them in a neat stack next to me. As I was going through them, I realized there was now a severe pen shortage.

"Hey Amber! Where's the rest of my pens?"

"I brought them all to you."

"There were 8 pens! There's only one here!

"That's all they left."

Oh c'mon!!! They were cheap-ass pens...the caps weren't even on them!!!! (I hope they leak in their pockets) As I stated before.....I do not know the customs of different cultures.....Perhaps the stealing of pens is a rite of passage where they come from. Whatever.....back to the dollar store.....

Why waste the hours?......

I found out the hard way, that managers in corporate restaurant freak out when you hit overtime.....(yeah, overtime at $2.65 an hour is gonna break the bank.)

So....I show up for my shift...only to be told upon entering the building....that I had too many hours for the week and couldn't work today. Well, doesn't that just bite the big one?!? Then, all that are standing at the host stand, giving me this news look up and say (in unison) "Didn't anyone call you?"

"No. I didn't get any freaking phone call!"

"Oh yeah, figures...they're not very good about that." Great.....they have the wherewithal to see exctly how many hours I've worked...but they don't know how to make a simple call.....I hope this doesn't speak a general message of all their managerial skills.....lol lol lol lol

So I find out about the 40 hour thing....then I realize that when you arrive at the restaurant...you sometimes have no tables for an hour or so.......now that would be a waste of hours.....then....a server (who shall remain nameless) slowly waked by and whispered, "We don't punch in until we get a table."

Well, now that was a nice "aha" moment....so by invoking that rule into my schedule...I was able to save countless hours of wasted time, work more days, and no one was the wiser. Nice.

So I took it a step further.....I was teaching the training classes...(way back when I thought I might try manager candidate school) this was supposed to count as part of my 40 hours....I didnt agree with that...I did not want to give up precious server hours...to get paid a still meager hourly wage......so I didn't punch in for class.....it took them a year to figure that out....by that time I had already quit doing the classes........

What the hell happened to my life?!?!?!

If you find yourself sitting there wondering the same thing.....don't dwell on it too long...find something positive to think about...here's an example.....

Okay....my business is gone...I'm about to lose my home of 18 years...(do you know how much stuff I have to pack up or get rid of).....the income property is a money pit, probably gonna lose that too....I went from business owner to 50 something waitress....however!!! I discovered something while on a restaurant sponsored "field trip" type outing. I'm the best girl bowler!!! Yay!!!! (Hey, get your perks while you can!) So now....what this means is.....the ice is cracked....I'm in.....so now I'm popular with those who know how to bowl, or just like to go ......we can talk about bowling....(granted, that's a short conversation) and now I am invited to the impromptu after work bowling parties.....Ya know, I hadn't been bowling in quite a while...so my right arm was pretty much shot the next day.....thank God it wasn't my tray arm......and it's so comforting to see that some things never change over the decades.....like, bowling is one of the few sports that still promotes drinking.....

Fast foward to the annual holiday party.....this is held in January....with the two restaurants next to us....at a bowling alley! The best boy bowler heard that we were gonna have a litle competition with the other two restaurants...so he started putting a team together.....he's the best boy bowler and I'm the best girl bowler...we're automatically on...(hey! that's the beauty of putting the team together, I was his first recruit...so I got to help choose the rest.) He was thinking perhaps we should have tryouts....I was thinking we should take whoever we can get.

Things we'd really like to say......

When you approach a table....and the first thing out of someone's mouth (before you have a chance to even say hello) is a reference to bread, such as "When you bring the bread...." an answer we'd love to give is: "I'm sorry, due to your complete lack of manners and total ignorance of social graces, you will not be receiving any bread today."  (This sounds particularly well if you have a British accent)

Stupid statement: "I'd like to make up my own dish..."

Reply: "We have a large menu with many items, We have professionally trained chefs who travel abroad to bring you authenic regional food, and I'm reasonably sure these chefs can cook better than you can.....so, no, you self-important ass....you may NOT make up your own dish.

Stupid statement: (without looking at the menu) "You used to have this salad a few years ago..." (annnnddd...that 's the whole statement...not a lot to work with) So I ask her, "Can you tell me what was in it?"

"No." Again, we're not advancing this any further......(let's try this from another angle) "Can you tell me anything about it...what it tasted like...any ingredients?"

"No. I don't remember."

Okay, I tried.....but this started out as a stupid conversation and it is just getting worse.....

Reply: "I'm sorry, we've discontiuned our salad service, what with the great lettuce famine a few years ago....that was right after we found out that the migrant workers were pissing on the lettuce.....so we stopped buying it for a while....we do keep some lettuce on hand now....but these salads are served only as a reward for those who can actually read a menu, and apparently that is a group to which you do not belong."

...........it's not easy to go into work when....

 ...the wait staff is constantly being threatened with the phrase..."I'll write you up." A write up is when you have committed a sin so terrible.....it must be documented in writing, signed...dated...co-signed....and I think ass-igned......technically, when you hit 3, they can fire you.....(don't sneeze the wrong way)

Apparently grammer doesn't matter on these supposedly highly-important official communications that may or may not go to corporate....one of my last ones started out...(in the words of the manager du jour) "He say when I get to the table....."

OH! On one of my last write-ups....just in case you were wondering what it was for.....actually...so am I .....so I wrote down exactly what I was thinking....(in the small space provided for this on the official write up form......so I put "I have no idea what you are talking about."  (They presented me with this info about 3 weeks after the fact) This put a puzzled look on the face of the manager(s). I do not believe they are taught how to deal with a phrase that might indicate that they were not correct in their assessment of a particular situation, back in manager training school.

Okay...here's a write up I do know the reason for.......there is a mini white board in the kitchen....it lists who has what sidework for the shift.....saw my name by bar sidestand...cool......a couple of hours later...when there is a bread deficit....one of the managers goes ape shit (it's' not pretty...small children should be evauated from the area).....(she has to pull a case of (fresh) bread out of the freezer).....so she decides to write up everyone on the bread team....Somehow the chart had been changed, and unbeknownst to me, I was a part of the bread team. So....that's more clear than the last one....right?