The Bar Wench From Hell

Over 400 blogs, and people still amaze me.....

2012-01-26T06:28:00.000-08:00

Yes, I have written over 400 blogs in the last two years…..so I took a bit a of a vacation. I have a lot of other stuff going on now, that I wasn’t doing when I started writing these blogs. But, people, being people, still amaze me.

Like the last funeral luncheon I worked…..there were 110 guests. Since we had four functions going on that day, this one was in the main dining room, with the buffet being set up in the lounge. (It was the only place we could fit it in.) I had just finished talking with the gentleman who was in charge, he was going to say a few words, and then have someone else say “Grace.” He also wanted another beer. So I told him I’d get his beer and then we’d get everyone’s attention, he could speak, and then we’d start lunch.

Imagine my surprise when I walked into the lounge to get his beer, and saw about a dozen folks in line at the buffet, having taken it upon themselves to remove the lids from the chafing pans, and commence loading up their plates. I looked at them, stared for a moment, and then told them, “They will be saying “Grace” in a minute“, and continued staring. (Kind of like the “Mom stare.”) I’m sorry, but this utter lack of class deserved something. They did stop filling their plates, until I went around the corner. Okay, that was a first. I’ve had people ask me when they were going to be eating, but never taken it upon themselves to just start.

At 3:45 p.m., the boss asked me if the dining room would be ready to seat at 4:00 p.m., as we had a reservation coming in. I took a peek out there and told him, “Not gonna happen. We’re going to have to seat them in the lounge, that’s all cleaned up and back to normal.”

It took us until 5:00 to get the dining room reset…..which led right into the evening bar shift….which made this the second day in a row that I worked an 11 hour, no break shift. I was a lot tired after that.

Gotta Love Those Surprises.......

2012-01-17T06:33:00.001-08:00

I worked a double shift last Friday, actually got about an hour and a half off in between shifts. I went back for the evening shift….was looking forward to NOT having to close. The night was going well, then around 8:00, the manager asks me if I can come in Saturday morning and work a memorial lunch. Fine. Okay. At least I get out early tonight.

Saturday morning, I’m driving to work, the boss calls to let me know the luncheon party will be arriving an hour earlier then we expected. Great. That gives us thirty minutes to do an hour and a half set up. And, I have to stop and pick up one of the other servers.

When I arrived, my partner was already there. We ran around setting up the tables. The only thing on the tables were the napkins. She ran in circles around the tables moving the napkins so we could put down bread and butter plates, I was running behind her setting down the menus, then we both ran around and put the napkins back on top of the menus. (Sometimes things work best when you work in tandem)

Okay, silverware is all set, gotta fill the water glasses and get those out, carafes of water for each table, butter and cream, get the coffee going, get glasses for iced tea and other soft drinks, a bucket of ice, get bread baskets ready…are we forgetting anything? Oh well, if so, we’ll have to get it on the fly. Oh shit! We need lemons for iced tea!

Anyways, it all got done. The folks arrived, everything went smoothly. Turns out we were actually glad they came in an hour early, that way we’ll have more of a break before the night shift, since we were both working doubles that day. Or so we thought. We thought wrong. As folks were getting up to leave (or so we thought, again) they were just regrouping and standing around the room (totally blocking our entrance to the room) talking some more. A lot more. This went on for about 45 minutes. When they were finally down to about a dozen, they decided to sit down again. Really?!? C’mon people! We gotta get this room cleaned up!

So much for our nice long break.

Your kids are making us nervous.......

2012-01-12T05:58:00.000-08:00

Why are so many people oblivious to the obvious where their kid are concerned? I’d really like to hear what all of these parents (who let their kids think a restaurant is a playground) have to say when they are trying to get dinner on the table at home, and their kids come flying around a corner on two wheels and almost run into them…..which could cause major spillage of the evening’s meal. I don’t think it would be the same response we hear at the restaurant, “Oh, it’s okay, they’re not hurting anything.”

“Yet.” I think the key word should be “yet.” We try our best to take precautions to avoid any damage or injury. So please stop making our job even more of a challenge by allowing your little knee high urchins to dart out in front of us while we are carrying a full tray of food or beverages. Should you by chance happen to see them darting about, the usual response is, “You know kids, they’re not good at sitting still after the meal.”

Okay, it’s your job to teach them they cannot run around whenever they feel like it. Sometimes they just have to sit at the table and be bored. That’s life. If you can’t be bothered to teach them how to behave in public, then you should get a babysitter and leave them at home.

One group of parents hit upon a solution to this the other day. While attending a memorial luncheon in the banquet room downstairs, they allowed their kids to go upstairs and run around the main dining room. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess. Sure, it worked for the parents, but what about all the guests in the dining room? They didn’t come out to watch someone else’s kids run around.

We do not appreciate it when your kids walk up to an empty table and decide to rearrange everything on it. The usual response, “Well, they pay people to set it back up the right way.” HEY! We already set the tables once and don’t want to do it again! We’re not “paid” to clean up after your kids. How about this for a solution: The parents clean up everything they have allowed their kids to wreak havoc upon.

What’s that? You don’t want to reset the tables? Guess what? Neither do we!

Too Many Spirits.......

2012-01-09T07:43:00.001-08:00

And by too many spirits, I don’t mean those of the ghostly variety…..but rather the bottles sitting on the back of the bar.

We did inventory at the end of the year, I counted the bottles behind the bar, and all the wine that was there, also. I think over 40 DIFFERENT bottles of vodka, is, well, it’s just overkill. There are many bottles that I have never used. Tomato Vodka? Really? It smells like puke. No one has ever asked for it. Bubble Vodka? It smells just like bubblegum, kind of pleasant. However, our clientele is decidedly older than the few twenty somethings who ordered Bubble Vodka with Red bull, while attending a wedding reception. (That’s the only time I have ever poured Bubble Vodka)The fifty and over crowd just are not interested in drinks like that.

Then there’s the bottles that are left over from another era, and I don’t think they were very popular choices at any time. If a bottle lasts for more than a year, do you really need it? How many of you have ordered Compari or Pernod or Benedictine, lately? How about Tuaca or Chartreuse or Amarula? I had never even heard of Amarula before I started working here.

There are times when someone is indecisive about what to drink, so I tell them to give me a flavor, and I can make something. AND, I still don’t need all those extra bottles that are taking up room! I’m sure all those novelty liquors (like Tomato and Bubble) are useful for something, they’re just not useful here.

As for those ridiculous shots the twenty somethings drink, like a “Red Headed Slut,” we don’t do those either. Nice thing about an older crowd…..they know how to pace themselves, they don’t down stupid shots to get wasted.

Wait Station or Backstage?

2012-01-05T06:03:00.000-08:00

Every restaurant has areas where the servers work from. Sometimes they’re just a small area where the server can get coffee and soft drinks, at our restaurant we have rooms, or areas in between rooms. Downstairs where the large banquet rooms are we have a lot of space, and they’re behind doors. Since this is an old rambling building, one of the wait stations has four other rooms feeding off of the main wait station. There’s a furnace room, a linen room, and two storage rooms.

On show night, one of the storage rooms becomes the dressing room. It looks like something out of an old movie. There are two metal shelving units that house the chafing dishes and stands, some miscellaneous stuff (some that will be used occasionally, other stuff that will sit there forever.) There are two round tables, minus the legs stuffed into a corner, and yet another small, rickety shelving unit stuffed in another corner. But on show night, the room takes on a whole new persona.

We drag in a six foot table and fill it with make up, jewelry and other accessories. The rickety shelves hold Styrofoam heads with wigs on them. Dresses and costumes hang from the tall shelves. We bring in long mirrors and prop them up on chairs. And, in the colder months, we have a small space heater. We even have an old rug on the cold cement floor, that I found in yet another storage room…..I put it in there nine months ago, no one has bothered to move it since then. I think it falls into the “stuff that will sit there forever” category.

So for one night a month, the wait station becomes “backstage.” The poor little storage room looks so forlorn when we remove all the glitz and glamour and it once again is just a storage.

Not to say there isn’t any drama on nights when there is no show….these wait stations could still be considered “backstage,” they’re where we go to vent about customers who are pissing us off. Then we put on our game face and go tackle the crowd again. So I guess there is never any lack of drama, just glitz and glamour.

Another New Years Eve.......

2012-01-02T07:04:00.000-08:00

New Year’s Eve just ain’t the like it used to be. Back in the 90’s, when the auto plants were still running full steam and people had money to spend, it seemed like everyone went out on New Year’s Eve. The crowds have been waning over the last decade. I can remember being in full tilt boogie mode from 6:00 to 11:00, the reservation book would be filled, there were still a lot of walk-ins, lines at the door for hours. Very frantic, yet very festive.

The reservations started at 5:00. Just a handful, more at 5:30.….then at 6:00, the real rush began….or so we thought. There were quite a few cancellations (at least they called and let us know.) Every half hour, when new groups would arrive for their reservation, I’d be busy for about 10 minutes, then it would slack off until the next group arrived. By 9:00, I was doing my clean up. We had one couple arrive at 9:30 for a late dinner, pretty much everyone else was gone….EXCEPT, for a small wedding reception that was taking place downstairs.

First of all, who the hell gets married on New Year’s Eve?!? This is just as bad as the Christmas Eve wedding! These days don’t belong to you! They’re for everyone! There are 362 other days to choose from!

By 10:30, the kitchen crew was done, the two servers stuck working this reception were spitting nails, the manager wasn’t too happy, and neither was the bartender, (me.) Oh, did I mention the wedding party arrived over an hour late? Then, just to pour a little salt in the wound, they weren’t really drinking. Just a handful of drinks were served, which adds even more insult to injury, (for the servers,) since this was low budget and they weren’t gonna make much money.

We found out the reason they weren’t drinking, is that they all met at AA. By 11:50, we realized that bartender services weren’t really needed, so the manger said I could go. Ten minutes wasn’t enough time for me to get home to watch the ball drop in Times square, and since I’ve NEVER missed that, I stuck around and had a champagne toast with my fellow workers. Yup, we left the party to their own devices for 10 minutes, six of us gathered in the lounge and had our own mini celebration. At least we salvaged that.

Where the Action is.......

2011-12-30T06:54:00.001-08:00

For many years, I have told everyone I work with, if you want to be where the action is on New Year’s Eve, work. It’s a busy night…..you get lost in what you’re doing, it flies by, and pretty much all the servers are done between 11:00 and midnight. So it’s the best of both worlds.

Think about it, if you go to a party too early, you’re wasted by midnight. If you work, instead of spending money all night long, you’re making money. You’re still pretty pumped up by the time you get off…you get to the party and you’re still coherent, and it greatly lessens your chances of needing a ride home. (Unless you go totally stupid and decide to power drink to catch up with everyone else.)

I love working New Year’s Eve! Everyone is in a good mood…. No one seems to complain about anything, it’s just a different atmosphere. Most folks tend to come in between 7:00 and 10:00, have their dinner and go off and do whatever it is they do. Deadlines seem to be less strict, after all, if you have to be at a party, you’ve got until midnight to get there!

One place I worked at for many years, always had a champagne toast at midnight. Every year a handful of regulars would wander in about 11:30.….we’d pour the champagne for all who were there, staff included, watch the ball fall on television, and bring in the new year together. It was very cool! I may have been working, but I was surrounded by friends…..what more can you ask for?

Whew! Three days off in a row!

2011-12-28T06:14:00.001-08:00

Wow! I just had three days off in a row! And it’s not like I didn’t know what to do with myself! I had a few gift cards to spend, so I did so with great delight. Did a little laundry, a little cleaning and some relaxing. Wait! What’s relaxing, it’s kind of like a foreign word.

Here’s what I didn’t do…..I didn’t have to listen to anyone complain about the table they were seated at, like the group on Christmas Eve. They had requested the Fireside Room. We don’t have a room that’s called that. We sat them in the alcove area of the lounge. It’s a quiet little area surrounded by windows with a beautiful marble floor. The ringleader of the group said it felt like being in someone’s basement. Really?!? ‘Cause I can show you the basement. It was built in 1908, has low ceilings, half logs as beams across the ceiling and a cement floor.

Anyways, we moved them over a table, the she started arguing about using a coupon. We don’t accept coupons on holidays. Funny how no one else at the table said a word. This one woman apparently appointed herself as the human bulldozer of arguments to get her own way. I found her to be rather tedious and soon quit paying attention. What this woman totally failed to recognize, is that everyone involved in her visit, from the hostess to the server, bartender and cooks, would much rather be home sharing the holiday with their own families. Give it up lady! Sit down, shut up and eat!

We even had a wedding reception (about 25 people) on Christmas Eve. Maybe that’s the only day they could out-of-town relatives to come. I don’t know. What I do know, is when you show up an hour early, and the room isn’t ready, don’t be surprised. We do things according to a schedule for a reason….the concept of which seems to be lost on you.

So, back at it today….a double shift.

Busy or frantic?

2011-12-22T06:21:00.000-08:00

I haven’t been around too much in the last couple of weeks, like everyone else I’ve been really busy. Mostly because I’ve been working more. I did all my shopping on Tuesday. I kept telling myself to get it all done in one day…..I don’t know what the rest of the week has in store for me. Good thing I got it done, I got called in for another shift.

I do about one tenth of the shopping I used to do……and I don’t miss it at all. I don’t miss being frantic about getting to Toys “R” Us early enough, before they sell out of what I want to buy…..I don’t miss rushing around the stores, only to wait in line forever. I don’t miss the marathon wrapping sessions or last minute trips to the store for one more roll of paper, only to discover I’m now out of tape or tags.

I don’t miss starting on the Christmas cookies in October. I don’t miss checking endless strings of lights, to see if they still work. In other words, everything that made this season so frantic, I am NOT missing at all this year.

However, I do like the busyness at work, after all, that’s why we’re there. We’ve had tons of holiday luncheons and parties. But when it comes to days like Christmas Eve, I’ve gotta draw the line. I don’t mind working for a while, but when evening hits, we all just want to go home. I understand that many don’t want to cook and have decided to out for a meal, but get real, the entire world does not revolve around your schedule. Go out early and let those who are working go home and salvage what they can of Christmas Eve….the day belongs to all of us.

Oh, and one other thing…….just be virtue of the fact that we are there, so you can eat out, you really need to stop for a minute and think…..how much work would have been involved in hosting a dinner at your home…..and then tip big! (And for those of you who are thinking, “Well, it’s your job,” you’re just looking for an excuse to be cheap.)

Think you're old enough to hang at the bar?

2011-12-17T05:25:00.000-08:00

One may be chronologically old enough to hang out at the bar…….but if one is totally lacking in social awareness, you’re probably not old enough to be hanging with the big dogs.

We had a gathering yesterday afternoon in one of the banquet rooms, It lasted from 3:00 to 6:00. Shortly after that, a group of six, who were all in their early 20’s made their way up to the bar. That’s fine, however……..

If where you choose to stand is blocking the only entrance to the room, you need to be aware of the fact that people need to get through, and you need to move. If a server is coming through with a large tray, loaded to the max, and needs to get by, you need to move out of the way. It is not your God-given right to stand there and obliviously block the aisle. When two customers are trying to get by, so they can sit a the other end of the bar, again, you need to move. A good clue that you are in the way is when everyone who has to pass by says, “Excuse me.” And…..if every time this happens and it appears that you don’t hear or see them, then you’ve either had too much to drink, or you’re a complete moron.

If you feel that every word that comes out of your mouth has to be shouted (so half the room can hear you) again, the same two options apply.

If you start ordering rounds of ridiculously named shots, like a “Screaming Girl Scout” or a “Red Headed Slut” (and I think half the reason you order them is because of the name) you’re really showing your lack of age and inability to hold your alcohol. Sure, you downed them without puking, but you’re quickly becoming a mess and well on your way to being cut off.

The overall mood was festive, some folks from a table were dancing, if you choose to join them, that’s fine, however, it’s rude to stand directly in front of the singer, when others are trying to listen and watch.

If in the course of your overly loud conversation you let an “F Bomb” fly, well, we’re back to the same two options.

So kids, you’re obviously out of your element but chronologically you’re old enough to know better. If you start acting like a twelve year old, you’re gonna get treated that way.

Hideous Holiday Sweaters

2011-12-14T05:29:00.000-08:00

Every fashion trend has it’s own life cycle, and the life cycle for those hideous holiday sweaters ended sometime in the last millennium, when they all were purchased. Why do people insist in dragging them out every year?!? Burn them! Unless…..you are taking part in a Hideous Holiday Sweater contest.

When I got to work yesterday, there was a group having a work holiday party in the room next to the lounge. I glanced in the room, to see more of those hideous sweaters than I had ever seen in one place. Most of them were red or green and were waaaaaaay too busy with every holiday decoration you can think of. (What a waste of perfectly good yarn.) Some had Christmas trees knitted into the design, others had snowmen, another had ornaments, some were just too busy to determine what the theme was, and still others had actual lights on them. That actually lit up! And some were even more obnoxious in that the lights blinked on and off.

Another party the day before, all posed for pictures wearing ridiculous hats…..some of the hats looked like ladybugs sitting on their heads. I fail to see the connection between lady bugs and Christmas.

However, there is one holiday fashion trend that I find amusing, and that is the reindeer antlers on a headband. You can’t help but crack up when you see a group of smartly dressed folks, (all 65 and older) and the old bald dudes are sporting the reindeer antlers.

Of course, if you are wearing a hideous holiday sweater AND the reindeer antlers, well, that’s just overkill. Most people will be blinded by the gaudiness of the sweaters and will never even notice the antlers.

Perhaps someone should start a sweater museum, so people of future generations can wander through, gaze at the sweaters and ask themselves, “What were they thinking?”

We're running our butts off for you.......

2011-12-13T11:23:00.000-08:00

We’re full swing into the season. We’ve got a ton of Holiday parties booked. Some are small luncheons, others are huge evening affairs…there are work parties, family parties (Yay! Leave the cooking and cleanup, up to us) various club get togethers or holiday gatherings with friends. Whatever the group is, you all want to have a good time and not have to worry about anything. So don’t.

If you find you need an extra table, don’t freak out, we can have one up and set in a matter of minutes. What you do need to do, is get out of our way. We know how to set a table, we set all the rest of them in the room, we’re capable of handling one more.

If you are the one who has organized your party, don’t try and micro-manage us, we’re the pros. Don’t bark orders at us, don’t tell us when to let the kitchen know to start your food, that’s our job. You have no idea how to time things out with the kitchen, so don’t even try. We’ll ask you the questions…..how long do you want the cocktail hour to be….if you’re having appetizers, do you want them after everyone is seated, or while they are mingling with their drinks.

If you order a drink, and feel you are waiting too long for it, look around! Your server is also getting drinks for everyone in the room, not just you! Besides that, I’ve never seen anyone drop dead because they didn’t get their drink in thirty seconds.

We are all working a lot of extra hours to accommodate your party, and everyone else’s. So be true to the holiday spirit and be kind to your servers. Just because your party doesn’t start until 7;00 p.m., doesn’t mean your servers haven’t already got one under their belt for the day. Some days we are working 12 to 13 hours straight through, no breaks

When it comes time to pay the bill, remember your servers the way you would like to be remembered…… people had to work hard to make your party a success….so be kind, don't a Scrooge, and throw some extra cash in the tip. Oh, and if you’re insulted by my saying this, perhaps you need to rethink your entire holiday attitude.

Can anything else go wrong?

2011-12-09T07:13:00.000-08:00

We had another Double Take Celebrity Impersonators show this past Wednesday. We were sold out two weeks early! This was our holiday show. We were cruising along getting everything ready….and then the day of the show, hit a thousand glitches. Okay, “stay calm, stay calm”……Ohmmmmmmmm……

One of our principal players got stuck at work….(there was an accident involving one of the workers, and he couldn’t leave) we were supposed to put two of the speakers on stands when he got there……but that wasn’t gonna happen, so we improvised and used bar stools.

We were all watching the minutes tick by as we were waiting for him. We’ve never started exactly on time….but now we were stretching it. Most of the folks in the audience were busy talking and didn’t really notice, but you’ve always got those few who are gonna complain. One woman was under the impression that we were waiting for everyone to finish eating, and went off on a rant about. I was trying to explain that the delay was due to circumstances beyond our control, but she kept going on and on and on about why should she have to wait for everyone to finish eating, when she ate early…blah blah blah. I finally told her she needed to stop talking, so I could explain the delay to her.

Anyways….we were all getting a lot antsy….and then he arrived!!! Within a couple of minutes, we started the show.

Turns out all the performers brought their “A” game that night. I’ve never heard so many people singing along with Karen Carpenter! When Neil Diamond (who’s also our sound man) got up and joined her in a duet of “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers,” the audience gasped…their mouths hung open and they started clapping.

Then when Neil did “Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show,” we brought out the Neil Diamond Gospel Dancers, complete with choir robes! They loved it!

I’ve never seen so many pictures being taken when Cher went table to table, singing to all the men.

For our last act….two of the servers wheeled out a cart with a giant box on it, all wrapped for Christmas …..and out popped Lady Gaga! Katie (Lady Gaga) finished up with Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” Katie is incredibly talented, and took that song, and made it her own, via Lady Gaga…..it was magnificent!!! When she finished, the audience was yelling “MORE! MORE!”

No one remembered that the show started late.

Why can't people just follow directions?

2011-12-06T07:37:00.000-08:00

We had a party of 25 in the lounge Friday night. We set aside some tables for them, we even put out little reserved signs. So why do they feel they can just plop down wherever they feel like it? There are reasons we set certain tables aside, (none of which I feel need to be explained to anyone.) They wanted o be in the lounge, they got it. But they don’t get the entire lounge, we have other customers who wish to sit in there also.

And what is it people don’t get about NOT standing in the doorway? They stand there, a server needs to come out of the door, “Excuse me,”…..they take a half a step aside, and then move back to where they were. This process is repeated many, many times. You’d think people would get the hint that they are in a bad spot, after the first couple of times. And please, spare us the irritated looks. Why is it people seem to throw common sense out the window…..or do they not possess any to begin with?

And why do people bring small children into the lounge on a Friday night? And what makes them think they can get the kids fed, and then sit there and eat their own dinner, while the kids run (literally) all over the lounge? Salt and pepper shakers are not toys. Neither is anything else on the table. This is not McDonald’s and the lounge is not a playscape. Not everyone thinks the antics of your kids are cute, especially in an adult environment. If you’re too lazy to teach your kids how to behave in public, then you should rethink where you take them.

Oh! And don’t even give us that tired old excuse, “Well, they’re not hurting anything.” That may be true in the sense that they haven’t broken anything, yet, and while you are turning a blind eye to your kids, everyone else is wondering why you are letting them run around. There is a time and place for your kids to run around, and the lounge on a Friday night is NOT one of them. (And yes, this is a bad reflection on your parenting skills.)

It's been a hectic week.......

2011-12-02T06:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have those very hectic weeks, where something has to give……and this week it was the blog.

My sister and I had to move our brother into an assisted living facility this week. As far as the weather is concerned, a different week may have been better and of course, it could have been a lot worse.

We moved the furniture on Monday. I was gonna load up the bed in my van on Sunday, but it was pouring rain all day. Monday was dry, and a little sunny, but cold. However I will take the dry weather, screw the temperature.

My sister brought along two friends to help, so there were four of us old broads moving furniture. There was a wheel chair ramp at the door we were using…so we discovered that instead of going up one side of the ramp, making the turn and going up the other side, we could just hand things over the railing, like the bed and the love seat. Pretty impressive for the crew we had. We got everything moved in rather quickly, and then decided lunch was in order.

On Tuesday, we moved the actual person, our brother, in. We still had some boxes and bags of stuff…..oh, and it was once again pouring rain outside. Sooooo….necessity being the mother of invention, we discovered a new use for the wheel chair, we used it as a freight hauler. We piled on boxes and bags and ran through the rain with it. This saved us numerous trips.

Somehow, my brother managed to fall asleep while I was pounding nails in the wall to hang pictures.

There’s always a question about how good (or bad) the food is going to be. Yesterday I went to the dining room with him and stayed during lunch. Here’s a good sign to tell you how the food is: When all the residents were fed, the help came down and made themselves up some plates of food. Curiosity, plus the wonderful aroma of the food got to me, so I grabbed a fork and tasted the spaghetti and meatballs. It was really good!

I found myself watching the server….as folks were meandering down for lunch, she would ask them all what they wanted, it seems they always have two choices. It looked like everything was going really smooth. However, (there’s always the “however”) some had a tendency to wander off, and then come back for dessert, or not. The server was grumbling that they need to stay at the table, because if they don’t, she has no idea how many are staying for dessert. I can see where that would get confusing, but it made me smile nonetheless. So I sat there and silently commisseratd with her.

Gee, and they looked like such a nice family.......

2011-11-28T05:20:00.000-08:00

We had a wedding at the restaurant last Saturday. The ceremony took place in the room that is next to the lounge, and the reception was in a larger room, downstairs. So, I got to see everyone who was there, since they had to walk by the bar to get to the ceremony room. One guy was carrying in an electric keyboard…..after he got that set up, he came to the bar for a drink. I asked him if he was then keyboard player, he said, “No, I’m the father of the keyboard player.” “Oh, then I guess that makes you the roadie.” He laughed and agreed. The actual keyboard player looked to be about 13, and was the granddaughter of the bride. There were quite a few kids in that age group.

The ceremony went smoothly, and then they were off to the reception.

They had a four hour bar time for this reception, 5:30 to 9:30. As 9:30 was approaching, the servers were becoming a little disgruntled. It seems this group took it upon themselves to being in their own bottle, AND plastic cups. You can’t do that here, it’s illegal. So I told the servers to confiscate the bottle and throw it out. Obviously they planned this in advance, as they thought to bring the plastic cups.

Usually the bar time gets stretched out a little bit…..but once I heard about the bottle, and the fact that they were so bold as to leave it out in the open, kind of like “Ha ha, we pulled one over on you,” we decided bar time was over. (Oh, and way to set a good example for the kids)

Speaking of the kids, one of them (who was old enough to know better) picked up a lit candle, that was in the restroom and thought it would be funny to drop it in the waste basket, which if you had any common sense, you would know it would start a fire, since it was filled with paper towel. And it did. The servers quickly put it out.

A few of them tried coming up to the bar to get more drinks, “Nope, we’re closed.”

Just goes to show you, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover. They looked like such a nice family. Who knew they were going to blatantly break the law and start a fire.

For those dining out on Thanksgiving......

2011-11-23T11:33:00.000-08:00

Ahhh…Thanksgiving….the feast, family, friends…..a day of relaxation…..football for some…..a nap after dinner for others……travel for a lot of folks….they say it’s the busiest travel time of the year.

For all of you dining out tomorrow, let’s remember a few things.

Obviously, no one has to cook and spend hours in the kitchen. No one has to clean their house for company. No one has to do the endless dishes or figure out what to do with the leftovers.

You go to a restaurant, and all you have to lift is a fork, a knife and a glass. But you must remember you are not at your own dining room table or sitting casually in your living room. Others wish to eat out also, there will be reservations after yours….so when you’re done, get up and leave! Someone else’s family is waiting for the table!

If upon your arrival, you find there may be a slight wait, don’t get mad at us, blame it on the thoughtless folks who refuse to get up off their butts and make room for the next group! Restaurant etiquette dictates that we not tell anyone they are overstaying their welcome….but c’mon people! Are you blind! Do you not see the people standing in line waiting to be seated?!? This holiday is for everyone, not just your group!

And speaking of everyone, I mean EVERYONE! Your servers are not a bunch of people flown in from some other country that doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. We’re someone’s family too. We’re moms and dads and sisters and brothers…and we’re working so you don’t have to lift a finger. So if you’re tempted to complain about anything, stop and think for a minute, if we weren’t here, one of you would be slaving away in the kitchen all day. Be thankful that there is somewhere you can go, and not have to mess up your own house.

For those who can’t see anything outside the perimeter of their own narrow lives, for those who want to complain that maybe it took too long to get a drink, or feel their food is taking too long…..WAKE UP! The world does not revolve around you, it never has. Show a little compassion for those who are working. Sorry you feel your food took five minutes too long to get to your table….stop and think about those who are missing out on a family dinner, completely. So you can have yours without doing anything other than making a phone call.

And tip big! It’s a holiday! You don’t know if your server is missing out on seeing out of town family and friends, or if they have small children at home or an ailing parent. In other words, be thankful we are there. What would you be doing if we weren’t?

And on a positive note......

2011-11-22T06:30:00.000-08:00

Our December 7th Double Take Impersonators Holiday Show has sold out! Yay!

It just goes to show you, that even in this horrible economy, people still want to have fun. And if fun can be had for a reasonable price, then it’s a win-win situation, in that we have fun putting on the show, and the audience gets a really good meal, and a really good show.

So let’s expand on this a little……see, a guy from the other side of town was in the restaurant the other night, he heard the singer, came into the lounge, told us he had a Big Band, and would like her to be a guest vocalist! AND….he wants us to bring our show to his side of town! Double cool! Ya just never know who you are going to run into at any given moment.

We’ve been busting our butts promoting this show. We’ve run all over town putting up flyers in any shop that would let us….we’ve posted them on community bulletin boards (remember, we’re working on a very limited budget) we’ve sent out emails, made phone calls, talked to everyone we can. But as they say, word of mouth is the best advertising. Take one woman, for example (my sister, to e specific) she came to the last show, and is bringing a group of 14 to this next show! We’ve got other folks coming back, who are also bringing more people they want to share this with.

We know there’s a lot of talent out there, so starting next year, we will be hosting an “Amateur night.” Sort of based on “America’s Got Talent.” The winner will be chosen by audience vote, and yes, there will be a prize. People think nothing of dropping $5.00 on a cup of coffee from Starbuck’s, or wherever…..so why not drop $5.00 to come and see the talent show and cast your vote.

On another note (and yes, a musical pun is intended) we will also be forming our own Big Band. For all you musicians out there in my area, looking for something to be a part of….contact me, let’s see what you’ve got. At the very least, you’ll have a really good time, doing what you love to do. Another win-win situation.

Glad I don't have to do that....

2011-11-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

I remember when you really didn’t see any Christmas decorations until after Thanksgiving. It seems like Thanksgiving is the forgotten holiday. “Oh yeah, it’s that day we get off (unless you work in a restaurant that’s open) to eat like pigs, and then begin our shopping trek.”

I’m hearing Christmas music in the stores….seeing outdoor lights on houses, and the . trees started going up in the restaurant. Yes, that’s right, “Trees,” plural. They started putting up the tree that goes in the lobby, a couple of days ago. It’s HUGE! It touches the ceiling, it’s gotta be at least 12 feet tall.

I was watching one of the cooks, standing on a ladder, fluffing out all the upper branches. He had to stand near the top of the ladder to do this. Then out came large boxes of ornaments. The hostess was standing on the floor, doing the bottom half of the tree, while a busboy was commandeered from his duties to climb the ladder to hang the ones that went on the top half. And they were told where to hang each one. Glad all I had to do was walk out in the lobby and say, ”Oh, that looks nice,” and walk away.

Seven more tress to go. At least these are of a more manageable size. Annnnnd, the wonderful woman who works in the kitchen takes charge of all of these. (Whew)

It might have been fun decorating the big tree in lobby, everyone could’ve helped out a little….but when all this decorating becomes a chore, and you have a deadline, it just takes all the fun out of it.

And then everyone talks about all the decorating they have to do at home, and all the shopping they have to do, all things everyone “has to have,” how much money they have to spend, how exhausted they are, they can’t wait until it’s over…. it makes me wonder, what’s the point in all this “busyness?”

You Don't Work Here

2011-11-17T11:49:00.000-08:00

When you’re having a banquet, really, sit back and relax….after all, isn’t that why you’re having your event at a restaurant instead of at your home?

First of all, when I’m serving the punch you ordered (One non-alcoholic and one with champagne) don’t walk up to me and tell that last time your were here, there were littlenapkins on the punch table. If people were helping themselves, then I would have put them there, but they’re not, I’m serving the punch as everyone is seated. There is a tablecloth on the table, little napkins aren’t necessary.

Next, don’t tell me that last time you were here, there were little signs saying “Non-Alcoholic” and “Alcoholic” in front of the punch bowls. Last time you had 50 people milling about helping themselves…..there are only 17 of you, I’ve got it handled.

Ah, the cake…..I was informed that last time they were here, they had a lot of cake left over, so be sure and cut large pieces. Here’s a thought, buy a smaller cake.

THENNNNNNNN…..you stop me in the middle of taking the orders to tell me that you think some bread should be served. I quietly tell you that the bread will be served when the salads are served. What I really wanted to say was, “For crying out loud lady! Take a chill pill! Quit bothering me! I’ve got it under control!”

Don’t even start to get in a conversation with me about how long after the salads are served, that I should turn the order in to the kitchen. It’s my job to time it out with the kitchen, not yours. Besides that, you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Every event has it’s head honcho who planned it. You can order your helpers around when it comes to decorating the tables, but don’t try that with us. We’re the professionals, we know how to run this, we do it every week.

When people listen as well as cats.......

2011-11-16T07:26:00.000-08:00

We had a group of about 15 come in for Happy Hour last Friday. They’ve been there before, but it’s usually been on a week night. During the week the lounge is slow, so it doesn’t matter where they sit or stand. There’s usually some that sit at the bar, many of them stand (totally blocking the aisle) and some work their way to whichever table they want. That’s fine during the week, but it’s a different story on Friday.

They started arriving about 4:00 p.m. I asked how many they thought there would be, they weren’t sure. So I told them if they needed any tables, to let me know, and I would clear off a couple of tables for them, since it was Friday, we would be getting busy and would need the rest of the tables.

I may as well have been talking to my cat. They heard me, but gave it no mind. Next thing I know, they are putting their coats and jackets wherever they felt like it. (Now they have staked claim to three tables (there are only 10)…..they ordered some appetizers, we set them out one ONE table ….as the hostess is leading folks to tables behind them, they all have to squeeze in between other tables just to get by.

The singer arrives….had to go through a long series of “Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me,” just to get back to where her equipment is.

Okay, we’re getting busy…..I explained the table situation a couple of times, since this herd of cats chose not to listen, I didn’t feel any more conversation was necessary….so I walked out to the tables which were being used as coat depots, and started moving them all to one table. (Your coats aren't spending any money)

Finally the herd started shrinking and more folks needed tables for dinner, so I once again walked over to the last table, which had two coats left on the chairs, and hung them on the bar stools they were sitting on.

Oh, and then there’s the bar stools they were just standing next to, (with no intention of actually using them,) the other bartender and I started telling others to go ahead and sit there. The ones standing next to them started giving us sneery cat looks.

Sorry! Perhaps you should develop a little social awareness, after all, you’re not the only ones here.

Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!

2011-11-14T06:33:00.000-08:00

We’re going to revisit this whole tipping thing again. (Only because we have to)

Yes, there are a ridiculous amount of coupons out there right now, and everyone can save some money. Some coupons even state that 20% gratuity will be added to the ORIGINAL amount of the tab. There are coupons that will save you up to $80.00! DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go cheap on your server. Just because you have a coupon, doesn’t mean you are getting less service.

Let’s say your table runs up a $230.00 tab, you get $80.00 off, now your tab is $150.00. The general rule of thumb is that you should leave a $46.00 tip, since that’s 20% of your original tab. To leave a $15.00 tip (as one table did last night) is totally unacceptable! You just saved $80.00! Somewhere down the road….karma is gonna bite you in the ass. So when you’re in a situation where you feel you’ve been ripped off, don’t stand there like a deer in the headlights, you had it coming.

Let’s look at this from a different perspective……say you’re working in retail, the store you’re at has a huge sale….then the boss tells you, because everything was on sale, and the store didn’t pull in as much money, you now have to work for less. That wouldn’t sit too well with you, would it? After all, why should you suffer just because the store decides to have a sale.

Sure, there are some who will never understand this concept, but then, there’s a whole lotta stuff these people will never understand. Tell ya what…if you really want to save money, just go to the drive through of your local fast food restaurant.

They Drank THAT Much.....

2011-11-11T11:51:00.000-08:00

We had a group of 54 last night, (98% of whom were women) in the large banquet rooms downstairs. They were a professional group of women, in a mostly male dominated industry. One of them was early and stopped at the bar for a drink…..she was telling me about their group, and how they were trying to find ways to promote women in their workplace, projects they wanted to put into motion and a bunch of other stuff, but hadn’t gotten too far yet. Sounded like they had some good ideas.

I can tell you one thing, quaffing down mass quantities of alcohol, really doesn’t promote anything. They drank like a bunch of sailors who had been out to sea for six months and were not gonna se another drop of alcohol for another six months. Yes, they drank THAT much!

For three solid hours, I barely had 30 seconds to step away from the service bar. There were three servers running drinks to them, non-stop. And I mean non-stop. We’re not that buy at the service bar on a Friday or Saturday night with a full restaurant.

Every now and then a couple of them would come upstairs to the bar and order from me, and ask if the servers had disappeared. “NO. They’re getting drinks for other people, and they haven’t stopped since you got here!” (Really, I know from three decades of experience that there is not one person down there who is gonna dry up and wither away if they don’t get another drink in the next ten seconds)

Then they had the nerve to ask the servers what was taking so long.

It would have been impossible to cut off some of the people…since someone else could order for them, and there were too many watch……so we gave them last call and told them the restaurant was closed.

I can understand why your projects aren’t getting off the ground. Why don’t you try staying even moderately sober and see what happens.

Familiarity breeds customers......

2011-11-10T05:43:00.000-08:00

I stumbled across a little non-descript restaurant tucked away in the corner of an “L” shaped strip mall. Well, actually, I didn’t stumble across it, my sister and I took my brother there for breakfast. He’s been going there almost every day for a while now….. Until three and half weeks ago, when he had a stroke, and can no longer get there on his own.

If you were just driving through the strip mall, chances are pretty good you wouldn’t even notice it, or if you did, it wouldn’t be someplace you’d make a mental note of, “Hey, I gotta go and check that place out.”

When you walk in, you see a few rows of booths, not particularly large booths, just big enough to seat four, and you’re almost shoulder to shoulder. The décor is nothing to write home about……there’s a little counter with about six stools. You can get breakfast, lunch or dinner anytime of the day.

The food is good, it’s not spectacular, but good, plentiful and very reasonably priced. The few times that I have been there, and it was not during what I would call a peak time of the day…..there always seems to be a steady stream of people wandering in.

So in these tough economic times of Michigan, where businesses are dying on the vine right and left, what keeps this little non-descript place busy? Plain and simple, it’s the staff. After being absent for three and half weeks, my brother had barely gotten in the door when everyone, the servers, the cooks, the owner, were shouting out greetings to him. The cook behind the counter was shouting hello, the cook who was in the back kitchen poked his head through a window to say hi….the servers ran over to greet him and see how he was. They ran to get his coffee. Very cool.

So I started watching everything around me. This is the quintessential neighborhood restaurant. The staff chatted with all who came in…retirees, for a late breakfast, folks who worked in the area came in for a quick lunch…most who came in were treated like they were long time friends, by people who cared.

There is a line from the theme song of the old television show “Cheers,” that sums up this little oasis in a strip mall…..”People like to go where everybody knows their name.”

I used to work in a place like that, but those days are long gone….it’s nice to know there are still some of these little neighborhood havens around.

14 Hours

2011-11-08T08:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I told ya about Saturday night being busy……but actually, it was a 14 hour marathon day for me.

I’m half the Funeral Luncheon committee at church…..and we had a big one on Saturday. We planned for 180, and had over 200 people. Since we had to do all the set up and cook some food, I arrived at 8:30. Shortly thereafter, other folks started arriving to help. It was non-stop until 3:30, when I had to leave and go home and change for work. I had about 10 minutes to sit down. Didn’t have time to make some coffee, so I downed a Mountain Dew. Either way, it’s caffeine.

Off to work. As I told you yesterday, we were busy. About half way through the night, my right knee started aching. Walking normally, was not happening at this point. So when I realized I was walking with a pronounced limp….I thought, get over it, just walk in a normal manner. Okay. Step left, step right Oh shit that hurts! Back to limping. At least most of my walking was done behind the bar and I didn’t have to carry anything heavy.

By the end of the night, all I could think about was soaking in a hot bath with some Epsom Salt. By the time I got home, I was actually hobbling. ( I love that word, it’s very descriptive) BUT!!! It’s the night we turn back the clocks, and I’ll get an extra hour of sleep!

There was a time when getting a good night’s sleep (especially with the extra hour) would have been enough to get me up and going again the next day. That time was about 20 or 30 years ago. So getting out of bed was no easy task on Sunday morning. But I crawled out, put on a pot of coffee, had a cup and promptly went back to sleep.

I had to be back at work at noon, to work a banquet of 20. One plus, it was in a room on the main floor, and there would be no steps involved. So I wrapped my knee and dragged my ass in.

Luck of the draw, I had a really cool, pleasant, laid back group. It was a 90th birthday party. Ya know, you can tell a lot of folks by the drinks that they order. When you have 80 and 90 year old folks ordering Manhattans and Rob Roys ( a Manhattan made with scotch) and then switching to wine for dinner, you know they’re an easy going crowd, and no one is going to complain about anything…..they go with the flow.

So the day was pleasant…even tough it was wrapped, the knee got sore again…..once more I was thinking about that hot soak in the tub.

I haven’t had a weekend that grueling in a long time. I don’t know what the recovery time is anymore, I just know it’s a lot longer than it used to be. (It’s Tuesday, and I’m still not sure)

No need to kill time.....

2011-11-07T08:33:00.001-08:00

Saturday was VERY busy! I didn’t have a minute to spare…what a difference from Halloween night. We had a line at the door for a couple of hours. A lot of folks were coming to the bar to have a drink while waiting. Most were pretty good natured about it….just relaxing, sipping on a cocktail….listening to the singer. But there are always those who completely loose their ability to tell time while waiting.

One couple was grumbling about having to wait. Then they got even more indignant when a couple (that they perceived as coming in after them) was seated before them. Guess what? They had a reservation, the grumbling couple did not. So Mr. and Mrs. Grumbler start talking about how long they’ve been waiting. “What did they tell us? About 15 minutes? We’ve been sitting here for at least 20 minutes…no wait….we’ve been here longer than that….we’ve been waiting for 40 minutes!”

I don’t know where they pulled that number from…..we’re using the same clock….unless in their world 30 seconds equals a minute. I know how long they’d been there, because one of our regulars was in earlier, said he had to leave at 7:00, and so he did….then the Grumblers came in and sat down right after he had left, and it was now 7:20.

Then they noticed there were a couple of empty tables in the lounge….why are they empty? Why can’t we sit there? Everyone is asked when they first come in the door if they would prefer to sit in the dining room or the lounge. The Grumblers had chosen the dining room, and it was full. We also explained that people don’t always leave as soon as they are done, they sit and talk. Sometimes there is no placating the Grumblers. They are bound and determined to be mad. After you give them the reasons why the wait is longer, they puff up their chest sand pull tired old sayings out of their ass….”Well, we’re good customers!” “We’ve seen you before.” (I’ve never seen them before) And so on and so forth.

Give it rest guy! Relax! You’ve got a drink and you’ve got entertainment. This is not a personal affront towards you. If you choose to be mad, you’re only ruining your own evening….and that is mostly due to your inability to tell time.

Creative Time Killing 101

2011-11-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

I went in to work last Sunday at 1:00 p.m. There were no parties going on and the Detroit Lions game didn’t start until 4:00 p.m……..so I had some time to kill. You can always spend the time cleaning this or that, but I was getting bored with cleaning, so I started looking around for a new project.

Aha! Above the liquor bottles on the back bar, is a space about 18 inches high, that runs along the entire length of the back bar. There are boards that dissect this space, that are placed at 45 degree angles, so you have a series of triangular spaces. In the upside down triangles, (or “V’s”) we store wine bottles…in the triangles with the flat bottoms, we have displays of glasses and old liquor bottles. Well, I got tired of looking at these displays, which to me seemed like afterthoughts of how to fill the space.

My original idea was to use these flat bottomed triangles as more wine storage, since we have way too many wine bottles sitting around…however, the wine bottles didn’t fit in there very well, since the space was a couple of inches too wide….tried shoving a piece of plastic tubing in there as a spacer….but when I took down one bottle, the rest shifted, sent one flying towards me…oh shit!….I was fortunate in that when it landed on the liquor bottles, nothing broke.

Okay, on to Plan B. I decided to make drink displays….of drinks we actually serve. I took down the old empty bottle of Japanese whiskey (which we will never have again) emptied out all the glasses that were collecting dust and started from scratch.

One cubby has some Kahlua and Bailey’s and a few glasses we serve coffee drinks in. Another has a bottle of Amaretto, Cointreau and Grand Marnier, a snifter and a couple of small rock glasses. And then there’s the Martini display and the sangria display.

Now it’s Monday, Halloween, and one of the deadest nights of the year. As I am staring up at my displays, I realize something is missing….the glasses would look much better if there was something in them. Getting carried away? Maybe. But I was having fun. I brewed some tea…used weak tea for a light amber tequila in a shot glass, water for clear tequila, added a salt shaker and a lemon. Moved on to the after dinner drink display, used stronger tea for Amaretto in a snifter….then decided it would look cool if I had Amaretto on the rocks. For the ice? Crumpled up cellophane.

Next was the coffee drink display…..used some coffee, put cellophane over the rim of the glass and topped it off with whipped cream made of cotton balls. For the Appletini and Razzbatini…colored water. For the cherry….I grabbed a plastic red grape I had sitting around the house. Still looking for fake fruit for the Sangria display.

Next time I decide to change the displays, we’ll call it “Creative Time Killing 102.” (Hey! There are worse ways to kill time!)

For those lacking spatial awareness...........

2011-11-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

How are we supposed to set up tables, when you don’t give us an accurate count on the number of people in your group?

The other night we had (what we were told) was going to be about 7 to 10 people. So, we set up a table for 10, and then they asked for a separate table for appetizers. Okay, we can do that. This was to be an informal gathering of just drinks and appetizers. As people start meandering in, (there ends up being 25) they are all milling about the lounge, blocking the aisles (again)….and when some decide to have a seat, they sit at all but the large table we had set up for them. They shove the water glasses and bread and butter plates aside, sometimes moving them to yet another table. They’re powers of observation suck. Only 3 sat at the large table. We could easily have accommodated them, but they chose to take over the lounge with no regard to any of the other diners in there. Perhaps we should come to your home and start rearranging all the furniture to our liking, with no intention of putting it back.

A few days later, we get another drink and appetizer group, again, they cannot give us an accurate count…so we set up some large tables. This time they actually sat at the designated tables, but decided they needed more….so once again with no thought of anyone else, they start dragging more tables together. This time their plan was to completely block any passage way, (by turning their table into and “L” shape), making it impossible to get to any of the folks along the back of the table. This time we had to step in and say “No.”

Is the general public really that ignorant? Are they truly not aware of anything past a six inch perimeter around themselves? Sure, someone at the back of the table may notice when they need to use the restroom, and finally see there is no way for them to get out of their seat….or become irritated because they have to keep passing drinks to those at the back.

What’s the big deal about moving in another table? Nothing! But when people are so totally NOT cognizant of their surroundings, its best to leave it up to the professionals. The general public has proven time and time again, they are not capable of this.

You're too old to play dumb......

2011-11-01T06:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it feels like we’re gonna be stuck on this “Coupon-Go-Round” forever…..and the stupid things people do to try and get even more of a discount. Please, we’ve heard it all so don’t think you’re being super clever by playing dumb.
“Where would you like to sit?” “Wherever we can get Happy Hour.” “Okay, that would be in the lounge.” So now you’re seated at the bar, and ask what the Happy Hour specials are…..then as you’re looking over the menu, you suddenly remember, “Oh yeah, we’ve got this coupon”…..like it’s an after thought. Bull shit! That thing is burning a hole in your pocket. Everyone knows how coupons work, mostly because its printed on the coupon. “One coupon per table, not to be combined with any other offers.” It’s pretty standard language.

So why do people act surprised when they are told, “You can have Happy Hour prices, OR you can use the coupon, but you can’t have both.” “OH! We didn’t know that!” Yes you did. And you’ve heard the same thing at every restaurant at which you tried to redeem a coupon. Quit trying to bend all the rules! (We’re getting bored with this game.)

Another couple sits at a table and asks if there are any specials tonight. “Yes there is, on Monday’s, if you order two entrees of a certain price, or higher, you can get a bottle of wine for half price.” So they order a bottle of wine. About ten minutes later, they suddenly realize they have a coupon with them…..”Oh gosh, we have this coupon, can we use it?” Again, quit with the innocent dumb act! Do you really think we’re going to fall all over ourselves so you can get your tab down to nothing? “Well, since we already gave you the special on the wine, (which, once done, you think is written in stone) and you seem to have forgotten about your coupon, sure we can do that.” NOT! Then you tell the server to work it out with the owner, you’re sure something can be done. Yes! Something can be done! You can use the coupon or pay full price for the bottle of wine!

QUIT PLAYING DUMB!!!!!! And don’t get mad at us when your stupid little scheme doesn’t work!

Quit hiding behind the Internet.....

2011-10-31T06:31:00.000-07:00

Ya know, if you want to complain about your meal or drink, the time to do it is while you are eating or drinking it. If you feel your meal or drink is not up to par, let us know immediately, so we can remedy the situation. If you don’t speak up, then that’s your fault. Instead, you go home, get on your computer and write a nasty comment. Chicken shit!

We have a new demographic group around here. The “Coupon Diner.” Practically every place around here has a myriad of coupons available, so folks go from place to place, depending on what coupons are currently out. Add to that the “Corporate Dining Mentality,” which means if you complain enough, you get a bunch of stuff for free, (Whether your complaint is legitimate or not) and now you’ve got your classic “Scammer.”

The server and I figured out which table these internet complainers were at. They never once said anything was wrong, and they were asked several times. AND, they ate and drank everything! So how can we take your complaint seriously? They said the meat was “grizely.” Okay, if you’re gonna use the wrong word, at least spell it correctly. Did you mean “Grizzly?” If you did, that pertains to bears. Perhaps you meant “Gristly?”

They complained about every aspect of the meal….why did they not say anything when they were asked? Or…..are they just scammers? The fact that they supposedly suffered in silence due to their lack of common sense to say anything while they were there, combined with the complaint, (and the fact that they ate everything) leads me to believe just that. Yup, scammers, looking to get a free meal.

Yes, there will always be some legitimate complaints, at all restaurants, after all we are just as human as anyone else. But we’ve learned to read between the lines, we’ve all had to…..there are just too many scammers out there now. And they all know who they are. Are you proud of yourselves?

Quit kicking a dead horse.......

2011-10-27T06:58:00.001-07:00

When it comes to drinking alcohol, people generally fall into three categories. Beer drinkers, for the most part will stick with beer, no matter where they are. Liquor drinkers, the same thing, and wine drinkers will usually stick with wine. It’s just the way it is. Sure, some may venture out of their category every now and then, but 95% of the time, they stay true to the pattern.

The only category I’ve seen an increase in, in the last 30 years, is wine. Restaurants have increased their wine selection over the years, by way too much! All too many choices does, is confuse people. So they order the “House” wine. Most people aren’t familiar with brands or certain wineries, they just know Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon or Chardonnay.

Restaurant owners have taken to featuring certain wines, in an effort to get folks to drink more wine. If you look at the table tents, you may see a card in them, advertising the wine of the month, a certain brand, with a couple of choices, say, a Sauvignon Blanc and a Pinot Noir. EVERY time they do this, we end up with a shit load of wine leftover. Then we have to figure out a way to get rid of it. It’s good wine, but after a year and half of doing this, you’d think they would get the hint….it’s not really working. Liquor drinkers don’t care, beer drinkers don’t care, and for the most part wine drinkers don’t care either. They just want to order their Merlot or Cabernet, etc.

But owners want to “educate” the public. Why? Because they think it’s classy to drink wine? Beer drinkers stick to one brand, so do alcohol drinkers….quit trying to force feed people wine! If they’re ordering any form of alcohol with their meal, why does it matter what they drink? There are very few wine connoisseurs out there, and even fewer who want to become one. Quit kicking a dead horse!

For the Observationally Challenged.....

2011-10-24T07:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, it was Sunday…we had some reservations on the books….we were short one server….someone called off sick….see, we restaurant workers (just like people in other walks of life) are also subject to the same ailments that seemed to pop up suddenly in the last two weeks (nasty cold s and flu)…..but for some reason there are always the few that take this as a personal affront. Would you rather they came in sick and sneezed and coughed all over your food?

We got slammed last night! I had to come out from the bar and take some tables. We were in constant motion….never stopping. We helped each other out, running food or appetizers to tables that were not our own…refilling beverages….boxing up food to go…but apparently this wasn’t good enough for some people.

Two women were complaining that they weren’t getting enough attention. Really?!? Do your powers of observation suck that bad?!? Or are you stuck in your own little bubble of a world where nothing else but you, matters? Or do you consider yourself a V.I.P.? Let me tell ya something…..everyone who comes through the door is a V.I.P.!!!!

First you whine to one server, who was refilling your coffee….then you start in on your server! “The service was bad….blah blah blah….” Look, we’re not kids, we’re professionals. We’re doing the best we can, and considering the circumstances, we were doing pretty damn good!

Yes, you’re out for a Sunday dinner….did you ever stop to think about all the people who give up their Sunday, so you can go out? I don’t think so. Instead, you belittle your server (are you felling good about that?) You tell him he blew his tip. What are you? On a power trip? The server apologizes (in my mind, unnecessarily, considering how oblivious you are to your surroundings) and tells you if you feel the service isn’t worthy of a tip, not to leave one. So then you leave a 20% tip. What was your point? Or is bitching at the server just a hobby of yours?

Ponder this….if all restaurants were closed on Sunday, where would you be having dinner, and who would be waiting on whom?

Patience, in the overall scheme of things....

2011-10-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, Patience….we’ve talked about it before…let’s put in a little more in perspective….

You come in for dinner…the hostess seats…..(no lines, no waiting)….and it takes a couple of minutes for your server to get to you…don’t blow a gasket! It’s not because they are in the middle of card game, in the back…….it’s because they are taking care of other customers, and they will give you the same treatment and kindness.

Let’s say… instead of going out for a meal, you had to go to a government office, like the Register of Deeds. First of all, they don’t care how long you wait, whether it’s 2 minutes or 2 hours. They truly don’t care. And when it’s finally your turn, don’t expect to be greeted with kindness and a warm smile. Second, if you there is something missing on your deed, they’ll be quick to tell you, but won’t give you any information as to how to fix it.

So now….you have questions about the menu, the server will answer all the questions to the best of their ability, and if they don’t’ know the answer to something, they will go and find out the answer. At the Register of Deeds, they will simply tell you that they are not allowed to give out legal advice. But all you have is a simple question, that will be answered with, “Go talk to an attorney.” This is enough to put some people over the edge…after all, it took 30 minutes to drive there, another 10 to 15 minutes to find a parking space (that you have to pay for) and then another 10 minutes to get into the building and figure out where you’re supposed to go. THEN…after waiting for an eternity, you find out that you can’t accomplish what you came to do, and the staff is gnarly and won’t help you. (And they'd really prefer it if you neer came back again) You leave mad and you’ve just wasted a few hours of your day, and it cost you money.

So in the overall scheme of things, is waiting a couple of minutes in a warm comfortable restaurant, anything to really get bent out of shape about? If you answered yes, then perhaps you should attend an anger management seminar.

When the audience rocks......

2011-10-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we had another Double Take Impersonator Show last night…..it was a blast! It’s always more fun, when the audience rocks! We had a couple of large groups, one of 22 and one of 15, and they were out to have a good time.

I’ve never heard so many people singing along with Karen Carpenter and Neil Diamond! A few got up and started doing a line dance to Neil Diamond. (Yeah, yeah, I know, we’re all dating ourselves, but who cares?) And when Mr. Motown hit the stage…they sang even more! But then, this is the Motor City, and we remember the entire Motown Sound.

Sure, there were a few glitches (there always are)…like our sound man couldn’t get out of work as early as he needed to, and we started late, but once we got rolling, we rocked.

When Cher was working the room, singing to all the men, some got up and danced with her. Camera phones were snapping pictures right and left….I always tell everyone, take all the pictures you want, and post one on Facebook, saying “This is where I am, RIGHT NOW!” Hey, free publicity is always good!

Energy breeds energy. The audience was feeding off the energy of the performers, and the performers were feeding off the energy of the audience. It’s a give and take situation. By most standards, our audience is not young…but their energy speaks volumes about them….age doesn’t matter at all….it’s all attitude….and they all had the attitude that they were gonna have fun! I’ve seen groups of twenty somethings who couldn’t hold a candle to these folks when it comes to having fun. That, and us older folks have had more experience at having fun. Every generation of twenty somethings thinks they invented fun. Wrong!

So a huge “Thank You” to all who attended the show last night, you made OUR night!

Too much football for me......

2011-10-19T05:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve been going in earlier on Sunday’s, since it’s football season. We’ve been watching the Detroit Lions, and most of the games have started at 1:00 P.M. We don’t have a big crowd for this, but there’s a few who show up every week, and of course the guys who are forced to attend the showers, always end up in the lounge at some point.

However, last Sunday there were just three who showed up for the game, and there were no showers going on that one needed an escape from. One regular got there right at 1:00, and the singer showed up with some cake. So there we sat having cake and coffee while watching the game. Then we had lunch…..I guess that was kind of backwards, since we had dessert first. (Don’t tell on us) Then the boss sent out some tortilla chips and pico de gallo, so we chowed down that also.

The restaurant wasn’t too busy, so I literally sat through the entire game. And asked a bunch of what may be perceived as stupid questions. I spent years working at a place where football was always on, but was always too busy to really pay close attention, so I learned a lot last Sunday. Well, really more than I wanted to know.

The few that were there, left when the Lions game was over, it was still a slow drinking day for the rest of the restaurant, so I watched football for the rest of the shift. I asked the manager, (who was sitting at the bar making out the schedule) if there was a preferred team in the next game. I figured it would be more interesting if I had a team to cheer for. But no, he didn’t care….so I started in with more questions. He actually started explaining a lot more to me. “Why do those guys keep trying to run through the middle of the pack, when it never seems to work?” “Why are all those yellow flags on the ground?” “What the hell is a horse collar?” “Shouldn’t there be more contrast in the color of the uniforms, so they don’t get mixed up and accidentally throw the ball to the wrong guy?” (I think this was perceived as a totally stupid question, but it made sense to me)

Ya know, I’d much rather be busy, and just glance over my shoulder at the game when people start yelling at the television.

The Dangers of Flavor......

2011-10-12T06:55:00.001-07:00

It seems like every time you turn around, there is a new flavor of vodka. I can remember when there were only a few different flavors, like Lime Vodka, and it was pretty bad. (But, we managed to choke it down anyways.)

The latest flavor we acquired is “Cake.” Yup, cake. I opened the bottle, smelled it….amazing….it smelled exactly like cake! (How do they do that?) The customer who brought this particular flavor to our attention, also gave us a recipe for it. Cake Vodka, pineapple juice and a dab of grenadine. It tastes just like Pineapple upside down cake!

Here’s where the danger comes in…..it tastes so good, anyone could just swill it down, and not even realize they were drinking liquor. (Of course I took a sip and sampled it.) When the singer arrived at work, I made her a “Coconut Cake Martini.” Way too good! I’m going to have a great time experimenting with this one. I’ve already got some ideas I want to try for a “Red Velvet Cake Martini.” Hey, if someone can make a drink called “Cotton Candy,” I can make Red Velvet Cake!

Oh oh oh! How about Devil’s Food Cake! Liquid chocolate in a glass. I had to get to chocolate sooner or later, since I consider chocolate to be a food group. Oh wait! Let’s take the chocolate thing even further, and go with Black Forest cake!

Did I mention I really like cake? With all the banquets and parties we have at the restaurant, we end up eating an inordinate amount of cake….every kind you can think of. Yup….this is gonna be a lot of fun.

Badgering the witness, I mean customer.....

2011-10-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those bosses who seems to think everyone is inept? Surely we are far too stupid to have done our jobs correctly. At times he makes us wonder why we are even allowed to live.

There have been numerous times when someone at the bar is having an appetizer, there are a couple of bites left, and he reaches to take the plate out of the way (because I’m too ignorant to remove a dirty plate) only to be told by the customer, “We’re not done with that yet.”

I can’t tell you how many times I have served entrees at tables, noticed that the bread basket was empty and asked them if they would like more. “No, we’ve had enough bread.” A minute later, he swoops by and decides they need more bread, and drops off an overflowing basket. Good move. How are we supposed to sell them dessert if you keep force feeding them bread?!?

One night he stopped by a table to chat. It was the last table in there, they were all finished with their meal, and in the course of conversation he asks them if they want coffee. “No, thank you.” “How about some dessert?” (As though these questions had never entered the servers mind) “No, thank you, we’re stuffed.” “Are you sure you don’t want any coffee?” “Yes, we’re sure.” There he goes with the force feeding again. Quit badgering the customer! They have already been asked these questions by the server!

Oh! One night a woman sat the bar, she was waiting for a friend and decided to order some appetizers for them to split, as she was expecting him to arrive any minute. Well, her friend was a little late, she ate half the appetizers, and saved the rest for him. As Mr. Let Me Overwhelm You with Unnecessary Questions, comes over to chat (her knew her) he stared with the 20 questions again. “Can I wrap these up for you?” “No, I’m waiting for Bob.” “Do you need more wine?” (I’m standing right here!) Her glass was half full. “No, I’m fine at the moment.” “Can I get you some more bread and oil?” “No, I’m fine.” “Are you sure you don’t want a box for these leftovers?” (Once again) “No, these are for Bob, he’ll be here soon.” “Can I take anything out of your way?” (He’s really trying way too hard to find fault with something I may or may not have done) Now she’s getting exasperated. “NO. I don’t need anything, everything is fine, We’ve got it all under control.” Really dude! All objections overruled! Go away!

When he finally walked away, she looked at me and said, “I used to work in restaurants. I’m not going to let him undermine you.” Enough said. (And than you, ma’am.)

Treasures and Tickets

2011-10-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

So….we have all these odd size glasses all over the place. They keep popping up, we keep shoving them aside. Okay, we gotta find a place to stash these. The manager asked me if I could find room in the liquor cavern (as I call it) so I went down and started rearranging some boxes. Surprise! I found a case of salt and pepper shakers! Cool! Now we don’t have to keep borrowing them from other rooms. (I love treasure hunting)

The liquor cavern is a room downstairs, it meanders a little, has a short hallway of wine, with a pipe running across the low ceiling, that I always hit my head on. Oh, I also found an old wine bottle rack that I dragged upstairs and put under the bar for extra storage. (We were getting over run with wine bottles.) Plus! At the end of the bar is an old humidor, built into the wall, that is also being used as wine storage. (Gotta love these old buildings)

Now for the ticket part…..our next DOUBLE TAKE IMPERSONATORS SHOW is October 19th. Since we’re not allowed to put our ads on the table tents anymore (for reasons too stupid to be believed) we had to find alternative ways of advertising. This is a bit of a challenge when your advertising budget is next to nothing. So we hit our little downtown area. We went and talked to merchants we know, who let us put flyers on their counters….stopped in at other businesses who put flyers in their windows, for assorted events happening in the area, and they added ours to their display, community bulletin boards…well, you get the gist of it. We’re two weeks away from show time, and 2/3’s of the tickets have sold already! Yay! We have people from the last show coming back again, this time with a new group! Double yay!!

How many layers of clothing does it take to inhibit a golf swing?

2011-10-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

I know golf has nothing to do with the bar or restaurant, but I was off on Monday, and golf was the chosen activity.

It was not the best of weather for golf….it was cold…at least for this time of the year. I had on a lightweight turtleneck sweater, a regular sweater over that, topped off with a fleece-lined hoodie. (It was not a fashion statement either) I also had an extra jacket, that I threw on the seat of the golf cart. It does not help in one’s efforts to stay warm, by sitting on a cold vinyl seat….hence the extra jacket.

When we went in the clubhouse to pay, much to our delight, we found out that there would be no charge for today, the club pro was kind enough to comp us a round. Okay, that makes the weather a little more bearable.

So off we go! I’m told that the ball doesn’t go as far in cold weather….great…..I need all the help I can get! It also doesn’t help that the ground is still wet and the grass is a little longer than usual, both of which impede the progress of the ball….especially when you don’t get it very far off the ground and it’s needs to skitter along. (One time I hit the cart path at just the right angle, it rolled merrily along and gave me an extra 50 yards.)

However, over the years, I came up with a set of “Fall Golf Rules.” For instance, if it lands in the sand trap, it’s much too cold to be at the beach, so I take it out of there. Or, if it lands too close to a tree, and the tree will be hit in the swing process….annnnnd the tree is dropping leaves, then the tree must be ill, therefore putting it on the endangered species list, you have to move the ball. (As a matter of conservation)

Did I mention it was also quite windy? And that the wind kept changing directions so that no matter what direction we were hitting, it was into the wind. So you hit what you’re pretty sure was gonna be a great drive, and you watch the wind blow it off the fairway into a grouping of trees, then you have to use the Endangered Species Rule and the Autumn Wind Compensation Rule. Since the trees are in the way, and you can’t freely swing the club, you must use your foot wedge to kick it back to a more player friendly location.

Oh, and again with the wind….despite the quart of hair spray I used to mold my hair into a somewhat acceptable “do”…..it got blown into full fright wig mode.

Delay of party due to game.......

2011-10-04T05:52:00.001-07:00

I just got through saying that we are not a sports bar. You never would’ve known that had you been there at certain times on Sunday. It started out in the typical manner….we had the Detroit Lions football game on at 1:00 p.m. There were a few who came in to see the game, and five other guys watching the game, because they did not want to be in the same room where a baby shower was going on. (Why do people insist that men have to show up for showers, whether they be baby or wedding)

The game started out like the week before, and the Lions were pretty far behind at half time. But just like last week, they started to come alive in the second half. We were watching the clock, but for a different reason. We needed the women at the baby shower to get out of the room, so we could reset for the next party, a memorial dinner. Look, if the servers are running around resetting every table that’s empty, those of you who are left need to take a hint…..there’s another party coming! Move! Your time for the room is up….you’re shower is all finished, it’s time to go! This is not your living room.

As the folks were coming in for the next party, they had to wait in the lounge, so the servers could finish setting the room. Turns out this group had no problem with that. They were a family of huge sports fans….The Lions were catching up and on the verge of winning, and no one wanted to miss it. (men, women and children included) The seats at the bar were filled, and they were standing two and three deep at the bar. They stayed there until the game was over. And it was really loud! Everyone was yelling and cheering and clapping! They won! Okay, delay of party over…they all filtered into their room.

Now we switched the television over to the baseball game….a few of the guys kept wandering out to check the score of the game. These people had really good timing…..the game was in the last innings as the dinner was winding up. Once again they wandered into the lounge to see the last part of the game. It was another nail biter….the bar was now standing room only….it was far from quiet….the sports fans all cheered together, and moaned together…the service staff and the kitchen staff kept wandering in and out to catch a glimpse of the game…..they won!!!! HUGE cheer! Again, you’d never know we weren’t a sports bar.

So thanks to the Lions, we were saved from a potentially embarrassing situation of not having the room ready at the agreed upon time.

Ending the week on a weak note.....

2011-10-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

We had some reservations last night, and two small parties. However……the Tigers baseball game was on at 8:30 last night. So what started out as a typical Friday, quickly came to a screeching halt. But we were prepared for that. Those of us in the restaurant business can rational anything…..here we go…..

First of all, we’re not a sports bar, but we did have the game on. Second, since it was a later game, we figured all who were going out to dinner, would do so early. Third, it’s cold, windy and rainy, a good night to stay home with beer and pizza. Even one of the parties was out the door by 8:00. By 8:30 you could’ve shot a cannon off. It got so slow that all the Tiger’s fans who were working, had plenty of time to run into the lounge to check on the game.

It started out great! A home run! Yay! Then we saw the rain start. A few were leaving the stands…..then they showed the die hard fans….sitting in the rain covered by plastic ponchos, others holding umbrellas. It’s hard to see it raining on television…..so you know it’s pouring when you can see it! It looked like large puddles were forming on the field. It wasn’t long before we saw all the fans vacating their seats.

One guy at the bar quickly brought up the weather for New York on his phone. (We were all wondering how long this rain delay would last.) I mean, we had a slow night, at the very least we should be able to see the game that caused this! Then we thought they were taking the tarp off the infield….no…..wait…..oh, they’re not gonna take if off. A short time later they decided to call the game.

Slow night, no game….kind of like pouring salt in the wound, don’t ya think?

MOVE!!!!!!

2011-09-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

To my sheer delight, I got to go in to work at 6:30 a.m. yesterday. We had a breakfast for 75, at 7:30. They stated arriving at about 7:00. By 7:30, I’d hit my idiot limit for the day. These people stood around and blocked EVERY aisle way, and the door to the wait station, which leads to the kitchen. (I’m not sure they figured out, that that is where the food comes from.)

My polite “Excuse me” changed to “Hot coffee coming through! Watch out!” Every time I had to come out of the wait station, I had had to get them out of the doorway, and as soon I passed, they would go back to their original formation. It never occurred to them that we would have to pass back through there. (Idiots)

One guy stopped me and asked “When are we going to eat?” “Soon.” (I wasn’t real big on conversation at this time) So then he starts rambling on about how he usually eats much earlier than this and he’s hungry blah blah blah….when I was reasonably sure he was done prattling on, I said “Oh” and walked away.

A few minutes later, I fought my way through this crowd of totally lacking any sense of situational awareness morons, to refill the coffee cups of the two drinking decaf. (Who drinks decaf at 7:30 in the morning?!?) As I was pouring, one woman asked, “Is that decaf?” “Yes it is.” “Why are you pouring it is that cup?” “Because that’s what she was drinking.” “How do you know that?” “Because she’s (Why am I even having this conversation?) standing right here.” I pointed out the woman, as I felt adding visuals was the only way to get my point across. Shame on me for not knowing that the woman asking the questions was appointed to the Coffee Police Committee.

They were just as clueless when it came to bringing out hot pans of food. As they were going through the buffet line I guess they felt it was their duty to tell us what we already knew. “We’re out of eggs!” I replied, “We are aware of that.” As I am standing behind them with a new pan of eggs….but they would stand and stare at the not quite empty egg pan for a minute before allowing me access to the table to put down the fresh pan.

I was thinking perhaps we should get some of the 80 teachers (holding an all day seminar in the room downstairs) to come up and explain fire safety, and why it’s necessary to keep the aisle ways open, and maybe run a fire drill.

40 separate checks?!?

2011-09-27T05:25:00.000-07:00

Here we go on the separate check merry-go-round again. I have to work a luncheon party today. There will be about 40 people, and they all want separate checks. That’s really stretching it. A couple of separate checks at a table is no big deal….but 40?!? Really?!?

What people must understand when they make a ridiculous request like this, is, it takes time!!! I can’t cash all of you out at the same time…someone’s gonna be first and someone is gonna be last. If you hand me the check with some money and don’t need any change, then we’re good to go…but if you’re putting it on a charge card, it’s going to take a minute….and if you need change (don’t even think about handing me a $100 bill) it’s going to take a minute. Even if only took me 30 seconds a person to cash you out, the last person will still be waiting 20 minutes.

So don’t all be waving your checks at me expecting me to do them magically all at once! First of all, I don’t know any of you, so this has to be done in small batches. If I picked up all 40 at once, I’d never get them back in the right order. Don’t start yelling at me that you’re in a hurry and need to cash out NOW! (Remember, this separate check thing was YOUR idea, not mine)

I’m going to do one table at a time, or if it’s a large table, then I will take about 5 at a time. If everyone at your table is ready to cash out except you, I will not stand around and wait, I will move on to the next table and come back to you later. Again, don’t start yelling at me that you’re in a hurry. This goes both ways….if you want to get cashed out in a hurry, then YOU need to be ready! Have your cash or credit card ready!

If you look at me and say, “Oh, I haven’t even looked at it yet,” and then proceed to pick up the check, examine it and think I’m gonna stand there and wait while you dig through your purse or wallet…well, that’s not going to happen. You just put yourself at the end of the line.

While I am cashing out one table, don’t walk over and wave your check in my face…”I’m in a hurry! I was at that table, over there!” Again, there are 40 of you, and I can’t remember where all 40 of you were sitting.

Another thing…..if you suddenly decide you need your checks right now….that’s now gonna happen in the drop of a hat either…..I have to stand at the computer and separate 40 checks…..that takes some time also. So don’t go getting all impatient on me….I promise, that will only slow down the process. I reiterate, 40 separate checks was YOUR idea, not mine.

When please disappears from the vocabulary....

2011-09-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

There are things that seem to happen more often when people are at a banquet, as opposed to just dining out with the family. Most significantly, the lack of use of the word “please” and the lack of patience. Why is it people develop the attitude that the servers working their banquet are less human than the one serving your table of four?

One woman hit a double whammy the other night. She left her banquet room, stormed into the main dining room and announced to the first server she saw (who was at a table) “I need a spoon!” First of all, if your lack of a spoon is going to cause the universe to crumble, we thank you for not letting that happen. Second, we set a spoon at every place setting, so either you set it down someplace, or someone else decided to use it…..and third, thank you for proving to us what we already suspected, you have no manners, no patience and no class. Tell ya what….since you’ve viewed this misplacement of spoon as such a personal affront, let me go find you a solid gold spoon, then you can slip it into your purse when you leave.

Your arrogant behavior is not a display of class, it is simply a display of arrogance and your self perceived importance. I’d be willing to bet that others at your banquet (not to mention those dining at the table you stormed over to) have the same reaction we do….we all roll our eyes back. Not to mention that those dining out with their children have just used you as an example of how not to behave in public.

However, just to reassure you, you did draw attention to yourself…everyone knows who you are….and the impression you left, is not a good one.

When rain is a good thing......

2011-09-23T06:45:00.000-07:00

Ahhhh…..it’s Friday. It’s raining. One of those soft steady rains that seems like it will last forever. Just blah and gray. Not like those cool storms where you can watch it blow in all fast and furious, when the trees are going crazy and the rain is coming at you from all angles, and just as quickly it passes through and gets sunny again. Nope, this is the all day stuff. But since I have to work a double, I don’t care. (Sorry, to those who have outdoor plans)

It’s the kind of day where the highlight for some, may be going out to lunch. I hope so, since I’ve gotta work, it’d be nice to be busy…..and have the time go by quickly. If not, we can always resort to Plan B, and go on another treasure hunt in the building. Last time I did that I found a big box of cocktail swords. (Hey, to each his own treasure) OH! Last night we decided to clean out everything behind the bar…..there were small plastic barrels of soap and rinse agent, that used to be hooked up to automatic dispensers, but I have no idea how long it’s been since those have worked, so we threw them out. Upon moving some other things out of the way, stuffed way under the sinks, I found an electric glass washer. The kind you set in the sink and the brushes spin. And I wasn’t even on a treasure hunt! It’s an awkward and heavy little machine….one of these days when I’m feeling particularly energetic I’ll drag it out and see if it still works. In the meantime I’ll just use the little brushes that suction to the bottom of the sink.

Or, I could go back to sleep for a couple of hours…but that’s not gonna happen. Well….maybe another 20 minutes….yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

The best kind of high.....

2011-09-22T10:54:00.001-07:00

We had our Double Take Impersonators Show last night…..what a night! We spent the day taking care of all the little odds and ends. Had that anticipatory (or nervous) energy going all day.

We had a few last minute cancellations of tickets, and a few even more last minute calls to see if tickets were still available. Gotta love it when it works out that way. We have seats reserved already for our next show, October 19th!

Folks started flooding in at 5:30, for dinner. The service staff was buzzing along….. everything was going smooth as silk. There was electricity in the air. That anticipatory energy was building. We had a few last minute arrivals, that’s okay, the service staff was on it.

We had 7 acts last night, and EVERYONE brought their “A” game! It was incredible! The veterans that I work with keep telling me every show is different, and last night’s was the best! Every singer gave it their all, and had the audience in the palm of their hand. I realized I was standing back watching pure magic. We had an absolute blast, and even more important, so did the audience! People were singing along, swaying back and forth and dancing in their seats. Some even got up and danced in the middle of the show! The applause was thunderous! The electric feeling in the air was palpable!

There’s no better feeling than to know that everyone present had a great time! And, there’s no better high than that.

After breaking down the equipment and loading up our cars, we all went home. About ten minutes after I got home, I crashed, into a blissfully deep sleep.

Was yesterday really Tuesday?

2011-09-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

The reason I ask if yesterday was really a Tuesday, is because we were unusually busy for it being so early in the week. I mean, it started out as any other weekday does….we find ourselves meandering around for a while….stopping here and there to have a quick conversation….sampling the soup…grabbing a piece of bread…one of the servers called off sick…(that should have been our first clue)…and then wham!

We had two small parties and a wine tasting marketplace…(in the lounge)…..meaning, for $5.00 you can try 5 different wines and have some cheese and crackers. Not a bad deal.

Between the two parties and the dining room filling up, the servers were spread pretty thin. Then the bar filled up for happy hour, that’s a good thing….and then folks started coming on for the wine tasting. I didn’t think I was going to have anything to do with that, then I found out I had to collect their money for the tasting and give them their “ticket .” For those wishing to purchase wine, I had to add up their bills (and once again I was amazed at people’s inability to do simple math) and cash them out. I know it doesn’t sound like any big deal, and it’s not, but add to that the fact that I had to take care of any of those at lounge tables who also wanted to order food. Plus the service bar was busy with the parties and regular diners.

So we all had our roller skates on, (figuratively, not literally, or I’d probably be in the hospital right now) and we smoothly sailed through the evening. There was only one minor glitch. A table of four came in to take advantage of happy hour, then when they were ready to cash out, informed the server that they had a coupon. Sorry, you can use the coupon OR take advantage of the happy hour prices, but you can’t have it both ways. So they decided to use the coupon, which meant the server had to re-do the bill. Of course this happened when we were at our busiest, without a second to spare. But then this could’ve been avoided had they simply thought to ask if they could use the coupon AND get happy hour prices at the start. Ya gotta love the way people pull these coupons outta their ass at the last minute, like they forgot about it.

Servers are a diverse group....

2011-09-20T06:11:00.001-07:00

Servers, for the most part, tend to be a younger group of people. However, due to the economy, job loss and anything else you want to throw in…..those who are not so young are going back to serving. Some are moms, going back into the workforce. Some are college graduates who can’t find any other job right now, some are students and there are others that I call “displaced business owners.”

I had my own title research business for 7 years, but when real estate went down the toilet, so did my business. But if hadn’t been that, we eventually would’ve been done in by the internet…..so I went back to restaurants.

Another guy, (in his 40’s) who had a landscaping business, found his business no longer kept him busy enough to survive, so he too went back to restaurants. Then there are the 20 something’s who are trying to figure out what to do with their life.

At our restaurant we range in age for 18 to 55. Makes for interesting conversation. In one way it helps to keep you young and in touch with what’s going on with those of the younger generations. Serving is a physically demanding job, and that too helps to keep you feeling younger, (except for those days when you work a double shift and all you can think about is going home and soaking in a hot bath with Epsom Salt, while the younger ones are discussing which bar to go to after work)

From the 18 year old student to the 55 year old me, we all have one thing in common, we are adrenaline junkies. We love the rush! We love running our butts when it’s busy and the time flies by! And when all is said and done, and the shift is over, we laugh about the glitches (because we powered through them) and leave with the satisfaction of knowing it was all a job well done, and a pocket full of money.

Gotta love livin' in Glitch City......

2011-09-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

Saturday night…we had three parties scheduled and a lot of reservations on the books. So of course, at the last minute we gotta change the game plan. One server, who went home sick Friday night, called off Saturday. The boss called me in the morning, said he needed to put me on a party and call in the other bartender. Okay. But we were still short, so he called in the new girl (who’s never worked a shift yet) to work the party of 90 (a wedding reception) that would be in the big room downstairs.

There are two of us on my party, a 60th anniversary. We arrive at 2:30 to set up for a 4:00 start time. 4:15, no sign of anyone….then we find out it doesn’t start until 5:30. Great. Meanwhile, folks are showing up for the wedding reception. At the rate this is going, we’ll all be clamoring for food at the same time.

Fast forward a couple of hours……our guests have arrived….they are all standing around talking…..my partner tells them they need to start eating the appetizers as we are going to pull them in 20 minutes.

The lounge starts filling up….there’s only one server, she gets quadruple sat. Then a fifth table, she gave it to the bartender. The dining room is filling up…..the wedding reception is getting out of control. They won’t stop drinking long enough for the servers to get the food out. (Someone’s gotta take control)

Shit is happening all around us, our party is going smooth as silk. One of the servers on the wedding reception starts puking her brains out, ends up at the hospital. The most experienced server on reception is now pulling his hair out.

The computers go out. Twice. The manager is trying to get them back up, the boss interferes and screws them up even more.

We’re still smiling, our party is still smooth sailing. Until the fire incident, but even that didn’t mess us up. It was at the end of the evening, there were only about a dozen guests left. The anniversary couple were opening up their gifts, got some tissue paper to close to a candle, and caught the paper on fire. They quickly doused it out. This all happened when we were in the kitchen. (I thought something smelled funny when I went back in the room.) Upon my entry into the room, (they were all gathered around one table) they all looked like a bunch of kids who got caught doing something wrong, they all froze in place. They were in the process of rolling up a wet table cloth. They fessed up to what had happened…I told them leave the table cloth, we’d take care of it.

Never a dull moment when your livin’ life in Glitch City!

We do love the television......

2011-09-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

I generally don’t pay much attention to the television when I’m at work….but as with everything, there are exceptions to that, and last night was one of those exceptions.

It was a slow night in the lounge, so we started the evening with the last few innings of the Tiger baseball game. If you’re a Detroit Tiger fan, it was another teeth clencher…but they pulled it off at the last minute and there was much merriment. Yay!

At 8:00 p.m. we tuned into “America’s Got Talent.” We were all pulling for the same guy to win….Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr. So we watched the show, at first thinking it was only an hour long. We all gave our opinions on the final four acts…had a nice discussion….waiting for the results…..it’s 9:00 p.m…..we’re closed…..watched for another 15 minutes and realized it was a 2 hour show. We debated about sticking around to see the end …..but everyone (including the customers) decided we could all make it home in time to see the end, so we left.

I was driving home as last season’s winner was singing…of course I hit every light….pulled up in the driveway…ran in the house….quickly closed the door behind me…ran to the living room, where I knew my son had the show on…..as I was bounding through the kitchen I was yelling “Have they announced the winner yet?!?” “NO, but they’re just about to!” Sat down, with about 20 seconds to spare…..and then they said “Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.!!!!!”

I threw my arm in the air and yelled “YES!!!” (Got caught up in the moment) And since it was the audience that chose him, I knew I was not alone in the moment. Gotta love it!

Where do people get this sense of entitlement?!?

2011-09-14T05:42:00.000-07:00

I mentioned sometime last year that I think corporate restaurants have ruined the dining experience, for both the customers and the servers. There are people who will go into a restaurant with the attitude of “I’m gonna get something for free.” There was a family who came to the corporate restaurant I worked at, and walked out not paying a dime, not even a tip, every time they were there. They would change around every dish they ordered, send most of it back, want something else, complain incessantly until they got everything for free. Then drive off in their $60,000 car. Nice way to teach your kids how to be scam artists. If you have so many problems with the food, why do you keep coming back?!? Because you’re playing the system.

People have developed this sense of entitlement……and they bring it with them to every restaurant they go to. Folks, nothing in life is perfect. Sometimes shit happens.

The other night, everyone seemed to come in at once, and we had two banquets at the same time. The kitchen got swamped with orders…and they were scrambling about doing their best to get all the food out as quickly as humanly possible. Sometimes you just have to wait a few minutes. That’s life. So why do people start to ask, “What are you going to give us?” Screw you! Show a little maturity and patience. You complain until you get something for free. One table got free desert the other night, and they took it to go. Yeah, you’re a real class act.

Let’s turn this around…..say you have a 7:00 p.m. reservation, and you are 20 minutes late….we just held a table, that could’ve been sat…..and you cut down on our turn around time. We could’ve been making money off of that table, but we held it for you. Not to mention the fact that those waiting in line are asking “Why is that table empty?”

According to those with a sense of entitlement attitude, shouldn’t we tack on a “late surcharge”? Shouldn’t this go both ways? You’d scream if we did this…..so why do you do it to us?

Let’s say you have some folks over for dinner…..one of them doesn’t like what you’ve prepared…..what are you going to give them? The cut glass vase in which you have the flowers arranged? If they complain enough do they get to walk out with and end table?

So get real people! Life isn’t perfect and neither are you!

Really ?!? Plan B again!

2011-09-13T06:49:00.000-07:00

I usually have Monday’s off, however, yesterday I was scheduled to work a memorial luncheon. (yes, another one) My co-worked and I arrived at 10:00 a.m. to set everything up. We scrambled about, got it done, EVERYHING was ready! We were even a few minutes ahead of schedule……until the people started arriving. We worked our Plan A, all set for 40 to 50 people…..at the same time everyone was walking back to their banquet room, we found out it would be more like 70 people.

Okay, switch to Plan B…..my co-worker ran around getting beverages to everyone, I started moving tables around in the lounge, (which they had to pass thru to get to their room) and filling water glasses. Then the boss informs me they want another table in the other room. I was a lot busy at the moment, so I looked at him and said, “Go get one!” So he rolled a round table in there, my co-worker grabbed a table cloth, I grabbed the napkins and silverware, ran back and got more water glasses.

I found the host/hostess of this luncheon and asked if they had any particular order in mind, for which tables should go through the buffet line first. No, any order is fine.

Turns out these people were a lot of fun…..so I went up to the table in the lounge, and told them they got to go first, because they were the loudest. Yay! They won something!

Then I went into the main room, and told each table who they were to follow. When I got to the last table, one guy asked if he could pay for his table to go sooner. (everyone laughed) I told him, “Yes, I can arrange things, but it’s best to hit me up on the way in with a fistful of cash.”

I kept thinking one woman at the table looked familiar….she kept looking back at me…..yep…..I knew them through an old friend, hadn’t seen them in several years.

So Plan B was just a small glitch, everything else was smooth sailing. Especially since we tried a new beverage service idea…..instead of going table to tale and taking orders, my co-worker filled a tray with glasses of iced tea and lemonade. Entire tables were saying, “That looks good, I’ll have one of those.” Saved us a lot of time not having to go to the service bar and get cokes, or diet cokes, etc. then all we had to do was fill a pitcher with iced tea and pour refills. (Actually, I’ve done this before, I just didn’t tell anyone.)

Today, I’m thinking should be a lot more normal. Yeah, right.

Plan A to Plan B to Plan C...........

2011-09-12T05:45:00.001-07:00

I had planned on writing a blog last Friday…but you know what they say about the best laid plans….blah blah blah…..in the morning, I was gonna run to Gordon’s (s store that sells food items and banquet supplies in mass quantities) and pick up a few things I needed for a funeral luncheon I was putting on at church the next day, for 200 people. Then I was gonna meet Deb, the singer, at the printer’s, get some advertising material for the Impersonator show and go to the restaurant and put it out….then I was gonna come home and write the blog.

Before I left the house, I got a call from my co-chairperson of the funeral luncheon committee…..(she has some heart issues) she said her blood pressure went sky high. Last time this happened she ended up in the hospital, so I stopped and picked up some money to pay for tomorrow’s chicken, and for some bread, (which I now had to pick up from the bakery tomorrow morning) as she needed to stay home and lay low.

Okay, got the stuff from Gordon’s, dropped it off at church, was 15 minutes late meeting Deb. We got our stuff printed, went to the restaurant, go that all set….then I decided to pick up some bags of ice for the luncheon, drop them at the church. Since I would be short a crucial person, I decided to do some preliminary set up.

Got out all the table clothes, pulled out the silverware trolley, the coffee cups, napkins, plates, salt and pepper shakers, sugar and cream dishes, water cups, dessert plates and napkins…..pre-set a few place settings…..went in the kitchen, put 25 water pitchers on a rolling cart, .over by the sink, ready to be filled…..platters for dessert…..got everything set out to make lemonade and iced tea……got out the pans for the meatballs and potatoes, necessary utensils, measuring cups…and so on and so forth.

When that was done, ran and paid for the chicken (got a sub sandwich while I was there) went home, wolfed down half the sandwich….and now it was time to go to work.

In Plan A, I would’ve come home after setting out the advertising material, and written the blog. Plan B didn’t allow enough time for that.

By the next morning, I would be switching to Plan C due to a couple more snafu’s. All I had to do now, was figure out what Plan C was.

So, I wasn’t slacking off, I just ran out of hours in the day. On Saturday, between the funeral luncheon and work, I was gone from 7:45 a.m. until 10:30 p.m. (with 20 minutes in between to change into my work uniform). By the time Sunday rolled around, I was brain dead.

Hmmmmm..... how did that happen?

2011-09-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

I was standing outside the restaurant the other night with one of the customers, we were watching a storm blow in. Since it had been so hot during the day, the cool breeze felt good. This was the like the third wave of the storm, or there about…..the clouds were looking dramatic….blowing all around…..some much darker than others….there was a lot of lightning…..all the makings of a cool storm.

Along the side of the building on which we were standing, were three sets of double glass doors, not solid glass, but the kind with 10 panes of glass in each door, kind of like French doors, that lead to a small patio.

I have never seen any of these doors open. Until now. As we were standing out there watching Mother Nature at her finest…..I caught a glimpse of movement out of the corner of my eye…..I looked to the left, the woman I was standing with also looked over….and we watched one of the doors, silently, slowly, and very steadily open up, and stop when it got to a 90 degree angle to the door frame, and stay there.

I must have been staring pretty hard…my fellow storm watcher looked at me, looked back at the door, then at me again…(I was still staring) ….she walked over towards it, but the little patio is surrounded by a wrought iron fence…you can only get to it from the inside. She walked back, and then I told her, “I’ve never seen any of those doors open .” Suddenly the wind kicked in something fierce, and blew the door shut.

Well now, this is interesting, and your imagination starts churning, mostly because of the many rumors that the building is haunted. As suddenly as the wind kicked in, it started raining, so we went back inside.

I went and found one of the servers who had been working there for years…..told her about the door, and she informed me the doors were always locked. So we went back downstairs….(the building is on a hill, and this was on the bottom side of the hill)….we tried to push the door open, jiggled it around….couldn’t get it open. Back we go upstairs….we were telling some of the others what happened…the manager told us it wasn’t locked. So now four of us go back downstairs (it was slow and we had time to kill)…..one of the busboys tried pushing on the door to get it open…he finally did, but it took some effort. Then the two of us who went down first tried it, and yes, we got it open, but again, it took a lot of effort….and a lot of noise ensued in the process.

A little while later I was talking to the manager…he said since the doors were on the west side of the building, and the storm was blowing in from the west, it was the wind that blew the door shut. I told him I totally understood and agreed with that part, I’m not a complete idiot (thought some may argue that)…..I was out there, I felt the wind. My question is…..What caused the door to smoothly, silently, and steadily open? To the west, and into the wind……with nary a sound……

The most flexible schedule.......

2011-09-07T07:12:00.000-07:00

In some restaurants, you mat have a set schedule from week to week….in others it may vary from week to week….at ours, it varies every week. Depending on how many parties of various sizes we have booked, some weeks you may work a few days, some weeks you may be needed every day.

If you’re a nine to five, Monday through Friday person, this may sound horrible to you! However, we like the variation. (Personally, working nine to five every week chokes the life out of me.) Some may shudder at the thought of working Friday and Saturday nights, I love it! I figure I’m making twice as much, because if I wasn’t working, I’d be out spending. (Somewhere there’s logic involved)

We have a “Request Off” box. If you have something important (or not) to do, you write out the dates you need off, as far in advance as you can, and put the paper in the Request Off box. If possible, your request will be granted.

Sometimes things pop up suddenly and unexpectedly, like it did for me this week. I am scheduled to work a party at 11:30 a.m. Saturday morning. I found out I have to put on a funeral luncheon at church for 200 people. So I figured I’d look at the schedule, see who wasn’t working and get someone to cover it. As it turns out, this is one of the weeks where almost everyone is already scheduled. Time to scramble. One who requested the day off, is working a catering gig all weekend, so he can’t. Another said she couldn’t. But the options don’t end there……I sent a text asking someone else to pick up the Saturday, and then I’d take her Sunday, even though I had requested Sunday off to attend a baby shower for a good friend, I’ll just have to leave the shower early. I popped off another text, asking one who also requested it off, (but owes me a favor) if she could work it, but actually, since she’s still sort of new, she would go on the floor, and one of the ones on the floor would take the party, since they are gonna be there anyways.

But it doesn’t end there…..I still have one option left. There is one server left, (between school and work, this would stretch her schedule to the limit) but she said she would if I couldn’t find anyone else.

Whew! Somehow it’ll all work out…….

Look over your shoulder.....

2011-09-06T07:59:00.000-07:00

Wow! When I said it was the end of summer, I was hoping it was just figurative…..what happened to the weather?!? Last Saturday it was in the upper 90’s, last two days it hasn’t gotten over 60! I’m not gonna complain….it feels good to walk outside and not be enveloped in a never ending cloud of hot, humid air, that knocks the ambition right out of you.

Last Saturday we watched the storms blow in. We are only about 20 minutes east of Ann Arbor, and had the U of M football game on the television. We were talking about how hot it was if you were at the game, sitting shoulder to shoulder with 110,00 other people in 90 plus degree weather. Then we saw the storm move in there….they had to delay play and everyone got drenched. We figured it was no more than 20 to 30 minutes before it hit us.

The rain came in waves…it would rain for bit, then stop, then rain some more, then stop, repeat. At one point, the wind kicked in so hard, the busboys had to go out and stack all the chairs on the patio, as they were getting blown around. They got thoroughly drenched. You know, when it rains so hard, and the wind is so strong that it rains sideways. Even being under a canopy doesn’t help. There was no way they were gonna dry out, not without going through the spin cycle first. (Yes, they were that soaked)

The power flickered a couple of times, we were fortunate in that it did not go out. (Although I don’t think anyone would’ve minded, it would have put an early end to a slow night.)

Time to close up shop, we all had Sunday and Monday off for the holiday weekend.

As I look at the schedule for the week, we’re back to full steam ahead. The coming weekend is booked with a ton of banquets, all servers are scheduled, many for double shifts.

For everything there is a season, and here we go…….

Where did the summer go?

2011-09-02T05:29:00.000-07:00

I can’t believe that (according to the calendar) it’s the last official weekend of summer. The temperature is supposed to be in the high 90’s today……that’s more like the middle of summer…or is this a trick of Mother Nature to remind us of what we’re about to leave behind …..by Monday the weather forecasters are predicting that it will be in the high 60’s…with rain in between. Yay Michigan!

Outside dining on the patio was a bust this summer. For the most part it was too hot for anyone to want to sit outside and sweat while dining. In one way it was a relief for the servers, if you’re hot just sitting out there, think how they felt having to run around.. It’s a good thing our uniforms are all black and you can’t tell by the shirts how much anyone was sweating….although the glistening faces were a dead give away. For those who sat outside and complained about the heat, (as though we could do something about it) well, it was your choice.

On the other hand, we welcome the end of summer……the end of the summer doldrums. This is the time of year we look forward to things to come, like being busier. No more summer vacations, no more bar-b-ques, no more graduation parties….back to eating out as part of your business as usual routine.

It won’t be long before we can no longer walk outside without a jacket on… we won’t be rolling up the sleeves on our uniform shirts….we won’t be dashing into the walk in cooler to cool off for a minute….but what we will be, is busier….and leaving work with more money in our pockets. …and that’s a good thing.

So as reluctant as we all are to have to give up summer…we welcome the next season. Before you know it, we’ll be complaining about having to shovel snow. It still amazes me how we’ve had busier days in the middle of a blizzard, than we had when it was in the high 90’s.

The New Season

2011-09-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Okay, the fall season is about to start, and we’re working on a new Double Take Impersonators show. We’ll kick off the season on Wednesday, September 21st. We’re still working on finalizing the program. We’ll have some old favorites….everyone loves to sing along with “Karen Carpenter“……our “Lady Gaga“ always packs a punch.…Michael James and his Neil Diamond Tribute absolutely rocks the house …“Cher“ is timeless and incredible… Marilyn Monroe is mesmerizing… . and we’ll have some new acts. And as always, we like to throw in a surprise!

We had Elvis in the last show, and we’re looking to bring him back. We’re also looking to add the Motown sound! We want to give the audience the most bang for their buck! There is a ton of very talented people around here!

Which leads us to my next show topic…..we are going to start an amateur night. Not just for impersonators, but for all singers…or comedians or anyone else with a talent they‘d like to show the world.….we’re still working out the details. We’ll be holding auditions, when these will be is yet to be determined, but we’ll be sure to let you know.

Gotta work a double today, so I’ve gotta get going….just wanted to give you a little preview of the fall season. Have a great day!

What part do you not understand?

2011-08-31T06:33:00.000-07:00

This coupon crap seems to be never ending…..What part of “One coupon per table” or “No split checks” do people not understand? I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume they can all read English. They have no problem reading the menu….so why do so many people go stupid, when it comes to reading a coupon?!? Or…..think that we’re stupid and that they can scam us with ridiculous logic that’s already been tried a thousand times before.

We had two couples make a reservation the other night, they said they each wanted to use a coupon. Okay, if you want to use two coupons then you have to sit at different tables. They wanted to sit in the lounge, so we reserved two tables next to each other. When the first couple arrived, all the questions started. “Why can’t we use two coupons at one table?” So I answered (for the millionth time) “The coupon states one coupon per table.” “Yeah, but now we’re taking up two tables, you may need it for someone else.” It was gonna be a slow night, we really didn’t care, and you’re not that clever.

“Okay, what if I had a $20.00 coupon, and we all sat at the same table, can’t you just split up the check up and take the coupon off?” “No, it clearly states no split checks. We can take the $20.00 off the total, then you can just divide what’s left by two.” “Oh, we can’t do that.” Of course you can’t, no one can do simple math anymore!

After a few more questions, (that they thought were clever, I thought were stupid) I decided to approach this from a different angle. I leaned in a little closer, as if to take them into confidence….. “We have to do it this way, you would not believe the how many people try and scam us on these coupons.” “Ohhhh….” It worked, went right over their heads, they had no idea I was talking about them.

A woman called up and asked about the Tuesday Night all you can eat spaghetti special. Then she said she wanted to use her Groupon. No, you can have the special, or you can use the Groupon, but you can’t do both. (Again this is stated on the card the specials are printed on.) 99% of the time they try and pull some logic out of their ass….not gonna work…we’ve heard it all before. Look, we’re trying to bend over backwards to give you daily specials…quit trying to combine them all so you can whittle your tab down to nothing, it’s not gonna work. You’re probably the same people who don’t understand why you can’t use four coupons for the same item at the grocery store.

No one thinks “Scam Artist” is a very flattering term, but it’s what you’re all trying to be.

More day off stuff, specifically, golf......

2011-08-30T07:41:00.000-07:00

I love having Monday’s off….while the rest of the world is dreading Monday morning….back to the commute and rush hour traffic…..I’m off to the golf course. Another picture perfect Michigan summer day.

There are usually three of us who play. I know that women have a bad reputation on the golf course for being slow, but that doesn’t hold true for all women. If there is no one in front of us, holding us up, we can play 18 holes in about 3 and ½ hours. (And that includes stopping at the turn to use the restroom and get a snack and a cold drink)

The golf course seems to be one of the last bastions of true male chauvinism. Since we play the same course all the time, everyone who works there, knows us. Many times when there have been only two of us, (and they pair us up with two men, to make a foursome,) the starter tells us that the two men groan upon finding out they have to play with two women. Then he laughs and tells the two men, “Good luck keeping up with them!” Ha! So there! Stuff it!

Granted, we don’t hit the ball as far as men, ergo, we don’t have to spend as much time looking for a ball that went into the woods or landed on another fairway. For some reason, men lose all sense of time when looking for a golf ball. They will spend an eternity looking! Just drop a new one and hit it! You’re wasting time! But of course, they will always have a rationalization for spending so much time looking.

The ranger drove by us yesterday and told us he had to tell the two groups in front of us to pick up the pace. Since we are usually the only women out there, you tell me who’s holding up the play.

Wow, got off on a tangent there……

Anyways…….we’re out there to have a good time. We don’t take it too seriously….bad drive? Hit another one! Lousy fairway shot? Hit another one! Why stress yourself out? What’s that? You think we’re wasting time by taking all these “mulligans?” We’re doing it BECAUSE we have the time! We’re right on the heels of the group in front of us…why just stand around on the fairway waiting for them to move along…..practice, take another shot! The group behind us has usually lagged so far behind, so they have no idea what we’re doing.

Okay, got that out of my system. All in all, it was a perfect day on the golf course. Then I got home to find that the dog had shit in the kitchen and the cat puked in my bed. Maybe we should’ve stayed and played another nine.

We get the point, we really do, you're very obnoxious......

2011-08-29T12:52:00.000-07:00

Friday night a few guys came up to the bar to get a drink before they went to their table. Now, obnoxious people always prove themselves to be exactly that, but one of these guys did it in record time. He was loud, kept throwing out comments…he ordered a beer, one of those that is sometimes served with and orange slice. The other bartender poured his beer and asked him if he wanted an orange slice…in a very sarcastic tone he said, “Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be served?” I turned my head around and said, “It’s a preference.”

He was also announcing that he used to work there, as though that would merit him special treatment. I’m really glad his time of employment was in the past.

We were relieved when they went to their table a few minutes later…however I was not lacking in sympathy for whoever their server would be.

Turns out they sat on the patio and consumed mass quantities of alcohol. The obnoxious ass was also throwing croutons at the server. Really guy, you are waaaaaaay too old to be doing things as juvenile as that.

As luck would have it, when they were done, they decided to come back into the lounge, there were six of them in all. Somehow he was feeling special enough that decided to lead his entourage through the kitchen, rather than going around the building, like all others do. The minute he came through the door, he was even louder than before. It’s really not imperative that everyone know where you are. He was so loud and foul mouthed, that people in the dining room could hear him. Time to cut him off.

I was not the closer that night and had just clocked out. I went in the back to get the manager, and told him he needs to keep an eye on this guy. He came in the lounge, as well as one of the male servers, who’s a pretty big guy. One of the customers, who’s also a good friend of ours was on his way out, but upon seeing this ass talking to the singer, and getting dangerously close to her, decided to stay. I decided to sit down at an empty table and watch the show.

There was no need for the ass to loudly sing along, he’s already proved to the world that he’s one of the most obnoxious people we’ve ever encountered. Next he resorted back to his middle school behavior and started jostling his friends and shoving them around. I must admit, I did smile when his glasses got knocked to the floor and the lens popped out.

THEN…one of the couples who were with him, were standing at the end of the bar, and starting fondling each other. REALLY!?!?!?

These people should not be allowed out in public. We know you’re all obnoxious idiots, and no one came out to see you keep proving this over and over again. And, if you’ve worked here, then you know that you CANNOT take your beer out the door with you…so why did you try?

I know that if the King of Obnoxiousville ever reads this, he is so clueless that he will never in a million years realize that he is the one I am talking about. His parents would’ve been really good candidates for mandatory sterilization.

Know that you are appreciated.......

2011-08-26T07:59:00.000-07:00

Whenever a server is told “You have a table of nine!”….the first thought is “Great!” Then as the server approaches the table, and sees that half of them are kids, the next thought is “Oh shit.” First of all, you know the tab will be a lot less, because the kids will be ordering off of the Children’s Menu……and then…..how bratty will the kids be?

It’s sad to say, but all too often parents let their kids do and say anything they want. On the other hand, it’s like a breath of fresh air, when you encounter kids that always say please and thank you without being prompted by their parents. They stay in their seats and don’t run around the place as if it were their backyard. Sometimes they ask if we have any crayons (we do) and they sit and draw…sometimes they bring a book with them….and sometimes they sit and converse. Thank you, thank you, thank you to all the parents who have taught their children how to behave in public. You have no idea what a great reflection this is on you, and we greatly appreciate you!

As for the little girl, who looked to be about 10 or 12, who waved her glass in the air and said, “I want a refill!” in a very demanding voice……she should have been told “No, not until you learn how to ask for things, in a polite manner.” But her behavior was ignored, then in an even more snotty manner, she told the server, “I SAID I WANTED SOME RANCH DRESSING!!” Again, this behavior was ignored. Really?!?

Then there’s the parents who let their kids run all over the place. “Oh, they’re not hurting anything.” Wake up you morons! Do you not see servers carrying large trays of HOT food? Or coffee pots? Are you oblivious to the fact that coffee is always hot? And then when your kid gets hurt because they fell off the bar stool they were climbing on, you look for someone to blame. Look in the mirror! This is a HUGE reflection on you! If you’d been doing your job as parents in the first place, and teaching your kids how to behave in public, they wouldn’t have gotten hurt. You’re also the same parents who get highly offended when someone tells your kid to stop running, or go sit down.

Once again, to all the parents with well behaved children, thank you! As for the rest, well, you probably shouldn’t have been allowed to reproduce.

Conversation: The art of which is lost on many.......

2011-08-25T06:26:00.001-07:00

Bartenders pretty much make their living through conversation. Over the last 30 years, it has never ceased to amaze me, how many people don’t understand just what a conversation is. The word itself implies that there are two or more people exchanging information or ideas. This happens all the time, on a daily basis. Then….you encounter the “conversation buster.”

I was having a conversation with a gentleman at the bar one night, when this woman appeared and sat down next to him. She was welcome to join in, however what she did was barge in. Within a matter of about 15 seconds, she started rambling on about something that was totally unrelated to anything we were talking about. Okay, we’ll do the polite thing and wait until she is done. But, therein lies the problem, she never shut up! Finally someone else from the group she was waiting for, showed up. In a fraction of a second, she stopped talking at us, and directed her gift of filibuster at the new arrival. Whew! The gentleman and I went back to our conversation. It was short lived, she returned. Shit.

These conversation busters don’t necessarily limit the use of their talents on complete strangers, no, they do it to their friends, also. I had a party of three the other night, and all three were practicing the art of conversation busting. Then the boss joined in, or so he thought. All three were talking at the same time. After all, they each had something to say that was more important than anything else on earth. What a mess! No need for me to stick around, I amused myself with wiping down things that didn’t need it, and taking various walks around the restaurant. But it’s okay, they didn’t miss me. Outside of the sound of their own voice, they are oblivious to anything else that is going on.

The only thing I had my ear tuned for, was “We’ll cash out now.” See, they had a 6:30 dinner reservation, it’s now 8:40.…..we close in 20 minutes, let’s get this show on the road.! Go to your table and eat!!!!! These self-absorbed people are also the same ones who think they’re just too special! They haven’t got a clue as to the fact that there is no one else left in the restaurant, and they are holding up the entire staff. Really, folks, there is a whole world out there….and NO ONE in it is as impressed with you, as you are with yourselves.

Stupid things.....

2011-08-24T06:34:00.001-07:00

Gee, there are SO many stupid things to talk about, but I’ll narrow it down to just a couple……

Let’s start by using “That guy,” from a couple of blogs ago, as an example. It’s really stupid to sit at a bar and be a two-fisted drinker. No one needs to be quaffing down mass quantities of alcohol in a short period of time. The drunk driving laws are far too stringent for anyone to down a beer, and what amounts to a “triple,” in about 15 minutes. Legally, you’re gonna be way over the limit. So why take the chance? The answer is: Because you’re stupid. And don’t even try to tell me, “It’s okay, I can handle it.” I don’t
care what you think about your drinking prowess….what are you 21 years old? Trying to prove you can out drink everyone? Grow up! If you wanna get that hammered, go buy a bottle and drink at home, and stay off the roads! No one is impressed, or cares about how much alcohol you think you can consume. Maybe you should go find a frat house that will let you join in their drinking contests, and when you pass out, they’ll just leave you on the floor.

Another stupid thing (at least in my book, anyways) lighting alcohol on fire. What’s the point? That you know how to play with fire? We all do. Since lighting alcohol on fire, actually burns the alcohol out of the drink, again, what’s the point? Oh, I hear a meek little voice in the background, “It’s to crystallize the sugar on the rim.” Screw that! Have you ever tried cleaning the glass afterwards? It’s a pain in the butt! Not to mention the disastrous things that could occur when alcohol, idiots and fire are combined.

I came to the conclusion that this was stupid a couple of decades ago, when someone sitting in a booth decided it would be cool to light their shot. They almost caught the lampshade, (that was hanging over the booth and made of cloth,) on fire. Okay, we need to avoid these situations.

For a short time, there was even a trend that one needed to drink the shot while it was still on fire. Now that’s the absolute epitome of stupid! For those that tried and burnt themselves…..well…. Think about it, you got what you deserved…and probably shouldn’t be allowed to carry matches. Idiots.

Gotta love those bonus days!

2011-08-23T07:37:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year when we find ourselves a little short staffed. Some of the servers and busboys are going away to school, another left for a different reason, and those who are going back to school, but are staying in town have a limited availability….so the rest of us have a few more shifts to cover.

I was scheduled for the Monday lunch shift, (much to my chagrin, it's usually my golf day.) Monday lunch shifts are usually nothing to write home about, so my co-worker and I went in with an “at least we can keep each other amused” attitude.

It turned out MUCH better than we had originally thought. We weren’t even finished with our set up, when the first table arrived. Cool! It was a table of six. We had a reservation for a seven top and a thirteen top. We decided to pool the entire room. We got much busier than we expected! The boss ended up playing busboy for a while. My fellow server and I worked as a well synchronized team. We were tag teaming everything. As I was serving entrees to one of the large tables, she was in the back ladling up soup for the next large table. I ran back, picked up the soup, and she served entrees to two smaller tables. We made sure everyone had beverage refills, the boss was serving coffee. When you work in tandem like that, things go smoothly, and it’s actually a lot of fun! AND….it helps when you are making great tips! We ran for two hours, and before we knew it, it was 1:00 p.m. No new tables had come in for a while, so we figured the lunch rush was over.

We figured wrong…..more tables started trickling in! Actually, we were in the wait station laughing! Not only did we have a good Monday lunch, we had one of the best lunch shifts ever! Between the late tables and doing our clean up, it was 3:00 pm.! Our relief will arrive in half an hour. So the day flew by, we had fun and we made some money. We were shaking our heads and laughing as we walked out the door. Who says you can’t have a good time at work?!?

If lunch shifts were that good every day, we’d be fighting over them!

Ohhhh...you're THAT guy......

2011-08-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

The bar was hopping on Friday night….the entire lounge was in full swing….and then, at the bar, we got “That guy.” And I don’t mean that in a positive way. These are the guys who can impress the hell out of themselves. They are a legend in their own mind.

The other bartender who was working with that night, knew him (sort of) from the last place she worked. Our regulars seemed to know him also, although no one was rushing over to talk to him. I fact, it appeared that they were all doing their best to ignore him. Interesting.

I was at the far end of the bar and noticed things were getting a little hectic by the service bar, so I went over and asked the other bartender what she needed. She said she needed milk, for a drink, so I went and got it. When I came back, she told me it went in the large glass that was sitting on the counter. I was wondering what was in the glass, since it was mostly full of a dark brown liquid. So I put the couple ounces of milk in it, went to hand it to her, and she told me it went to “him.” Ohhhhh…wait a minute, she’s avoiding him. As I set the drink down, I noticed he also had a beer in front of him.

Turns out the large drink was a White Russian, which is usually served in a MUCH smaller glass. Odd combo, a beer and a White Russian. A couple of minutes later, when the White Russian was about a third gone, he told her to top it off. As she was doing so, he told her there was no charge for that. She said there was, she was gonna charge him for another drink. (He seemed to make her feel a little uneasy.) So I backed her up and said, “Yes, there is a charge for that. It’s not free.” He informed me that no bar in the city, no bar in the country charged him for that, since he was good for business. Really? Quite full of himself, don’t you think? And after listening to him talk for about 15 seconds, I realized that this was not his first stop, he was toasted, and would not be served anymore drinks.

When I had a minute, I asked the other bartender who he was…..”I don’t really know him! He used to come in where I worked before! He’s asking me all kinds of questions about my family! He doesn’t even know how many kids I have!”

Enough said…he’s that guy who thinks he can familiarize himself with everyone by asking questions he’s got no business asking…he makes everyone uncomfortable….and is totally oblivious to the fact that everyone is ignoring him. So he wanders over to table and starts talking to them.

Okay, I looked at her and said , “He’s cut off.” she very quickly and wholeheartedly agreed. Luckily he decided to leave on his own, and cashed out. When he left, he forgot his cell pone on the bar. Not wanting any confrontation, I left the cell phone and the tip money sitting on the bar, in case he claimed he had just gone to the restroom, and what happened to his money. A few minutes later he came back to retrieve his phone. He also picked up some of the tip money he had left.

You’re a real class act, guy. Good thing there’s not too many of your ilk around……sure, bars all over town know who you are….because you’re an ass, and everywhere you go, they are counting the minutes until you leave.

The bird incident.......

2011-08-19T07:30:00.000-07:00

How did the bird get in the restaurant? We’re not really sure….a likely answer would be through one of the fireplace chimneys. Anyways…..

Three of us, myself and two servers were talking, when the hostess approached us and said there was a bird. Okay, where? By the glass. Okay, inside or outside? Inside. In the lobby. So we all went to check it out……and there it was, perched on the frame of the giant mirror in the lobby. It was about 4:30 in the afternoon and there was only one table in the restaurant, and they were two rooms away.

This little black bird was just sitting on the mirror frame, minding it’s own business, probably as confused as we were, as to how it got there. As one of the servers was walking towards it, I told her if she got the bird, I’d get the door for her. Which seemed like a good idea for all of us, since I really didn’t want to handle the bird, and most of the others seemed reluctant to do so, also.

It looked like this plan might be successful, but just as she was about to the grab the bird, it flew across the room to the big window in the front of the lobby. It was a quick little thing. (Although it did bang into the window a little) Then two of them were trying to sneak up behind it and grab it before it flew away again. No luck.. This time it flew into the main dining room, and perched on the windows in the front of that room.

Then someone suggested we get a box. Okay, good idea. So the busboy went off in search of a box, someone else showed up with a to-go box. Nope, that’s not big enough. So they tried once again to sneak up on it at the front window. They came soooo close, it didn’t flap it’s wings until they almost had a hold of it. But now, it flew to the back of the dining room. You really can't second guess these critters. (I was very relieved it didn’t fly into the room where the guests were seated, we would’ve looked like idiots chasing around after it.)

The busboy reappeared with a box. The server took it from him, and within about 30 seconds had the bird in the box. (Nice work) She took the box outside and set the bird free.

Other than the bird chasing incident, it was a very uneventful night. Oh well, at least we had that to talk about.

Really?!? Are you nine years old?

2011-08-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

There are time when people really get carried away with “I want what I want!” They have a sense of entitlement that the rest of the world should ask how high, when they bark “Jump!”

Not all restaurants carry every item under the sun. I was working at a restaurant that did not have 1000 Island dressing. One older man ordered it, I explained that we didn’t have it, but we had many other dressings to choose from. “I want 1000 Island dressing!!!” Everyone else at the table took a turn explaining that we did not have it. What did he say? “I want 1000 Island dressing!!!” What are you, 9 years old?!?

You could tell by the body language and the looks on the faces of his fellow diners, that this was nothing new. This guy was bound and determined to ruin everyone’s dining experience. I ran to a restaurant that was about 30 yards away, and got some 1000 Island dressing. Was this guy appreciative? NO! The others at the table tried explaining that I ran to another restaurant to get this….it was lost on him. Someone needs to tell him he is not king of the world.

Then there was the fuss budget who wanted everything on separate plates. She ordered an entrée salad, and wanted the lettuce on one plate, and then everything else in separate little dishes. The black olives in one dish, the red onions in another, the cheese in another, the chicken on the side….and so on and so forth….oh, and the lettuce had to be cut a certain way. Annnnnd…bring me three dressings on the side, I’m not sure which one I want. Okay, whoever raised you should be slapped!

Oftentimes you’ll overhear them say to someone else at their table, “I don’t see what’s so hard about that.” Meanwhile everyone else at their table can be seen rolling their eyes in the back of their head.

But I agree, you don’t see what’s so hard about it, because you can’t see anything past the end of your nose.

Things we do not need to be informed about.....

2011-08-17T05:49:00.000-07:00

When we work a banquet (as I explained the other day) we are very well organized. One server will always be in charge of making sure the food on the buffet table will never run out. Most people attending a banquet, have no idea that we have assigned ourselves the various jobs that need to be done. All they see are people in uniforms, and are clueless to the fact that there is a rhyme and reason to the way we do things.

Invariably someone in the buffet line will point out “There’s not much chicken left.” Yay for you on your powers of observation! What I really want to answer with is, “Well then just take half a piece and save some for the rest.”

We know that one pan of chicken will not serve 60 people. Guess what?!? We have another on waiting in the wings! We also know that if it is cold, you will complain. So rather than have it sitting a few feet away, we keep it in the kitchen, where they have equipment to ensure that it stays hot. (What a novel idea!)

What people also don’t realize, is that one of us (and they really have no idea how many people are working their party) has been assigned to watch the buffet table, and bring the next pan out, just before the current one goes empty.

I was standing behind the bar making drinks, when I was informed of the ill perceived chicken crisis. “Okay! Everyone take 3 steps back, I’m going to twitch my nose, and chicken will come falling from the sky to fill the pan! Oh, never mind, here comes my fellow server with a new pan of chicken.”

Now, if you’re sitting at a table in the dining room, and the server approaches your table with a water pitcher in hand, you suddenly look at your water glass and realize you need it refilled…”Oh! I need more water!”…...no need to tell them……it’s why they are there.

Thank goodness the clueless dolts aren’t the ones doing the serving.

When the cat's away, well, the mice just work better....

2011-08-16T08:52:00.000-07:00

Okay, so the cat was away for a few days…did the mice play? No more than usual, but they also worked a lot better. You see, when the cat is trying so desperately to micro-manage everything, it is just an irritant to all the mice. That, and the fact that the micro-manager frustrates the hell out of themselves, is totally non-productive.

Three of us were working a party of 60 the other day. There was no need to tell us what to do. We know the drill, and we know it well. Everything went very smoothly. We divided up our tasks, I set up the bar, one server took care of the buffet, the third took care of the tables. Okay, we’re good to go.

When it came time for clean up, two of us were busy resetting the room, the third went and took care of the silverware. I went upstairs to see what if the silverware was done, and my fellow server told me he hadn’t finished it yet, because those working the floor got really busy and needed help. It had gotten unusually busy for a Sunday, so we all kicked in and helped. We bussed tables, ran food, got beverages, cleared away a bunch of dirty plates that were left in a wait station, and so on and so forth. No one had to tell us what to do, we just teamed it and got it done. When everything was caught up, we went back and finished our silverware.

I had to stay after our party clean up and work the bar, the other two were free to go. But they didn’t leave, they stayed and helped. We didn’t make a dime off of our efforts, but it didn’t matter…..we just did what needed to be done.

Had the cat not been away, it would not have gone as smooth. He would’ve been barking out orders, oftentimes for things that were not needed. We have a greater “table awareness” than he has…we do this every day….we ask a fellow server what they need, they tell “Four salads for table 110. I’ve gotta get drinks for table 114.” Had the cat been there, he would’ve seen what he perceived needed to be done, and sent one of us for a bread refill, for a table that didn’t want it….also not knowing that someone else already had that covered, for all the other tables. Or he would’ve told us to refill water on another table, not noticing that another server was walking around with the pitcher refilling the entire room.

Really Cat, when it gets busy, you can save yourself a lot of angst by just getting out of our way. If we need you, we’ll come and get you.

Day Off Stuff

2011-08-15T13:20:00.000-07:00

Since I have the day off, today, I’m gonna talk about day off stuff.

I went golfing this morning. It was an absolutely picture perfect day! One of those days where you can wear slacks or shorts, either one is comfortable. Blue sky with just a few of those puffy little cotton ball clouds.

The first hole was uneventful, but not too terribly bad, and that was good.

On the second hole, I hit the ball, it caught the cart path at just the right angle, and gained me about 100 yards. That saved me a stroke, and from having to use my toe wedge, had it landed behind one of the trees it rolled by. (I need all the help I can get)

Oh, there were three of us playing today, me, my sister and a friend.

On one hole, there is a cute little valley that runs a little in front of the green. Said valley also has an even cuter stream running through the middle of it, with some adorable rocks about the size of bowling balls, some bigger, lining the sides of the stream. My sister managed to hit 3 of those rocks, all with one shot. The ball took many bounces. I was jealous, I’ve only managed to hit one rock at a time.

I had to compliment my friend’s aim, on one of her drives. “Not many people can hit THAT small of a tree from THAT distance!” The poor little tree got all shook up, dropped some leaves, and in retaliation inhibited the forward progress of the golf ball.

I love the designers of golf courses who deem it necessary to put TWO ponds on one hole. Really!!! One wasn’t enough?!?! The first pond one encounters runs along the left side of the fairway. That thick ground cover found off the fairway, at the edge of a copse of trees, stopped my ball from going in to the pond. I must’ve developed an “I’ll show you attitude” and promptly put the ball in that charming pond in front of the green, on my next shot.

As were driving the cart down the right side of another fairway, we were momentarily stunned when a golf ball hit the windshield of the cart. No “FORE!” no nothing. It was from the fairway next to us. “Oh, sorry, we didn’t see you.” My friend got out of the cart to hit her shot, I got out and picked up the stray golf ball and put it in my pocket. The guys asked my friend if she saw where it went. She said “No, it ricocheted off the windshield.” No need for both of us to answer.

That was the same golf ball I hit into the pond.

Old Tricks and Table Campers

2011-08-12T08:10:00.000-07:00

I think four and half hours is plenty long enough to sit at a table in restaurant. Especially when they are the last ones there. So I put all the little cone cups on the bottles and shut off the lights over the bar and go and hid in the kitchen. Hey, sometimes you just have to hit people over the head. (Figuratively speaking, of course) The fact that the place is empty, is totally lost on them.

Yet, it never ceases to amaze me how many of these people there are. “Are we the last one’s here?” “Yes.” A totally unnecessary question, if one just used a modicum of their powers of observation. Oh wait, that’s a totally useless statement, they’ve already shown us that they have no powers of observation.

Or how about when they say something they think is cute, like “We were gonna close the place!” “You did.” “OH! What time do you close?” “Thirty minutes ago.” “Well, then this isn’t too bad.” Too bad for who?!? I bet when your doctor or dentist is thirty minutes late for your appointment, you’re not too happy.

These are also the same people who justify it in their mind by thinking, “Well, this is different.” Why? Because they’re on the other side of it? Because they are the one’s making people wait?

Here are some other old tricks…and should you be around when any of this is going on, get up and leave! The opposite of the bar lights being turned off, is when the house lights get turned up. (Do not be a complete jerk and ask to have them turned down, we’re trying to tell you something.)

The music gets turned off. If you have to ask why, you’re just too stupid to be believed. Annnnnnd…if you see the servers putting the chairs up on the tables, now you’re really over staying your welcome.

Most people consider themselves to be reasonably intelligent, so why do these table campers insist on showing their ignorance?

Crunch Time!

2011-08-11T06:22:00.000-07:00

You have to be prepared for “Crunch time” at any given moment. I guess that’s why we call it Crunch Time, if you had enough advance notice, we wouldn’t have it. You just dig in your heels and get to work.

Take last week’s funeral luncheon for example….there was supposed to be 50 to 70 people, it jumped up to 135, with about 2 hours notice. I got called in and they pulled a server from the floor to work this luncheon. There were 5 of us in all, we all scrambled around at the last minute to get the extra tables set up, and take care of whatever else needed to be done.

Then there was the shower I was working by myself…..we had the wrong start time. Turns out it was starting half an hour earlier than we thought. Got a couple of servers to help with last minute set up. It all works out.

Now there’s today………(here’s where all the restaurant training comes in handy) I am half the committee for funeral luncheons at church. The one today is for 50 people, which is normally a piece of cake. However, one of those Murphy’s Law things kicked into place. This is going to be a later lunch, they won’t be eating until about 3:00 p.m. I am supposed to be at work at 4:00. I arranged to go I to work a little late. Cool, it’ll all be handled. My committee partner will stay and make sure the clean up and gets done. That is, until she ended up in the hospital last night. Crunch time! Do you panic? No! Just dig in your heels, get to work and find others who know the drill, and can stay and finish up.

Moral of the story: Don’t focus on the problem, focus on the solution, and it all gets done rather quickly.

So you think you know wine......

2011-08-10T06:53:00.001-07:00

Let me start by telling you, I don’t know much about wine, barely just enough to be dangerous. What I’ve learned from 30 plus years in the restaurant industry, is, that very few, and I mean very few people really know much about wine. People tend to pick out a couple of wine terms that they think make them look knowledgeable, like “oakey“, “buttery“, or “tannins” and toss them about as if they knew what they were talking about, and oftentimes end up ordering something based on a taste that has nothing to do with those terms. Go figure.

Then there’s the White Zinfandel drinkers (and White Zinfandel is considered the “soda pop” of wines, at least around here) who order a glass of “Zinfandel,” and by leaving off the word “white” it somehow makes them more familiar with the wine. (Almost like being on a first name basis with someone.) This could not be further from the truth. They have no idea that there even is a red Zinfandel, which has been around for centuries. (I only know this because I Googled it) So when someone orders “Zinfandel”, I always ask them if they want White Zinfandel. When they look at you like you’re from Mars, then you KNOW they are clueless.

The whole White Zinfandel craze started accidentally at winery in California with some problem juice that suffered from “stuck fermentation” (google it) and the winemaker realized that due to it’s sweetness, it would appeal to the masses that normally don’t drink wine. So it would seem to me, that although this winery produces some very nice wines, the decision to mass produce White Zinfandel, was a business decision. And a good one.

So that ends my wine tutorial, because I really don’t know much more than that.

When people ignore you......

2011-08-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

A couple came and sat at the bar the other night….they were waiting for another couple to join them. When couple number two came in, the four of them started talking, I was standing there trying to get the drink order for couple number two. The man ordered right away, I caught the attention of the woman, asked her what she’d like to drink, she looked me in the eye, then turned back to her conversation. Okay, I’m not a mind reader, although I can decide for you, but you may not like the choice. AND, I’m not going to stand there and wait while you go on with your conversation. You wanna ignore me? I’m gonna ignore you until you stop flapping your jaws and answer my question. It’s not like I asked you to explain the Theory of Relativity, I simply asked you what you’d like to drink, and I felt you probably knew the answer to this better than anyone else. Perhaps I was wrong.

So I gave her another chance, “Excuse me, what would like to drink?” She managed to squeeze in the word “Wine.” (She was acting as though she was giving the State of the Union Address and I interrupted her.) Wine. Great. What type of wine? Oh screw it, I walked away for a few minutes.

These are the same people, who, after a few minutes say, “I didn’t get a drink yet!” Whoa! Keen eye for the obvious! I’m always tempted to ask if they have early onset of Alzheimer’s Disease. Do you not remember the me asking you what you’d like, just three short minutes ago?

It went from bad to worse, when they decided to order some appetizers. This woman decided to be in charge….I’ve never seen the ordering of appetizers turn into such a convoluted mess. “Should we get the Spinach Dip and Crab Cakes? Or would you prefer Calamari? Or should we go with the Bruschetta and Calamari? Do you like Crab Cakes better than Calamari? Or should we get the Caprese Salad? Should we narrow it down to two or should we get three?” She finally told me they wanted the Spinach Dip, Calamari and Crab Cakes, so I sent the order in. Then she went back to discussing what they should get.

I went and got some plates and silverware, as I was setting those out, she was again talking about what they should have. (Everyone else seemed to be done with this part of the conversation.) I informed her that the order had already been sent in.

Maybe that Alzheimer’s theory wasn’t too far off.

Young or old, large or small........

2011-08-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

Since there were two of us tending bar Friday night, I got to leave early. Just as I got home, I got a text from a friend, asking if I was working. She was going to up come and see me, but since I wasn’t there, we went to see the singer’s daughter’s band. What a blast! As the band was getting ready to start, the keyboard player was saying something about “toe-tapping music”, and as I looked in their direction, I saw a woman who was a minimum of 70 years old, standing on the dance floor. As soon as the music started, I understood the ‘toe-tapping” comment. This woman had on tap shoes, and started dancing away. She was really good, had some great moves. The song was pretty long, I kept waiting for her to get pooped out and go back to her seat. She never did. She was like the Energizer Bunny, she kept going and going. She was amazing! She never stopped until the song was over! The crowd was cheering loudly for her!

She sat down for a song, then got up again. This time people were getting up and dancing with her. Everyone was having a great time. There was at least a 40 year age span here. Chronological age doesn’t matter.

The next night, back at work, we had a slow night, the summer doldrums. But, we had a helluva lot of fun! There was a couple at the bar who were singing along, as was I and the busboy, and a couple of servers. The few at the tables were also joining in.

The busboy and I were doing our usual dance moves, the “Swim” to a sixties song, then we hold our noses like we’re going under water, and disappear behind the bar. We did the high kicks to “New York, New York” …and even came up with a few more moves.

Like I said, the crowd was sparse, but it didn’t matter, those who were there had fun.

So you see, the numbers don’t matter, whether we’re talking about age or the size of the crowd. Fun is fun. Go ahead, cut loose and enjoy yourself!

A Normal Night?

2011-08-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

If there is such a thing as a normal night, last night was it. A bunch of the happy hour regulars were in…everyone ate and drank…conversation was lively….one of our friends was there, he always orders appetizers and shares them with the singer and me. (Lucky us)

The chef wandered out to the bar to get something to drink. I called him over….”Hey, these people (the happy hour regulars) want to talk to you.” They were telling him how good the appetizers were (we just came out with a new menu) however, they requested that he make sure the rest of the kitchen staff knew how to prepare them the same way he did, so they would always come out the same. These people are here a lot, and spot a discrepancy a mile away.

The heat wave we’ve been having has broken for a few days, the weather was gorgeous, the patio was hopping.

And, just to insure it was a normal night, a party of 30 was over an hour late. (Perhaps someone needed to check what time zone we are in.)

It was great to have a normal night, but it doesn’t give me a lot to talk about. But that’s okay, I feel like I am in the home stretch now, tomorrow night will be the last of what turned out to be 18 days in a row, with only one day off. So I guess smooth sailing last night made for a relaxing shift. So I should enjoy it while I can, you never know what tonight may bring. Although there will be two of behind the bar, and I won’t have to close. YAY!

I’m sure someone, over the next two days will do something stupid and give me more to talk about. In fact, I’d bet on it.

You're ONLY impressing yourself......

2011-08-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

With the exception of Monday, my week has not gone as planned, at all. As I mentioned yesterday, I got called into work on Tuesday, ran up and down the stairs a million times. See, On Monday, I did a heavy duty leg workout at the gym. Tuesday was supposed to be my recuperation day, but it wasn’t. Wednesday I wasn’t supposed to work until 4:00 p.m., however I got called in again, to work the lunch shift, which meant I had to work a double. Again, not the week I had planned after working my stretch of 13 days in a row.

So between the workout, the stairs and the double, my legs are shot. I can’t remember the last time they were this sore.

I had some errands I had to run yesterday, so my co-worker (who was not working a double) told me to go ahead and leave as soon as it slowed down. Cool. Of course I got all the tables that decided to camp out. However two of the tables, paid their bills, and just sat and talked. That’s okay, now all I have to do is cash out the third one, and then I’m good to go.

I dropped off the check, it was inside the little black check presenter book we put them in, went back a few minutes later, asked “Is this ready for me?” Little did I know I was dealing with Queen Upherbutt. She looked up and said in a rather indignant manner, “I haven’t even looked at it yet.”

So in a grand gesture, she opened up the book, looked at the check, and left it sitting there open. Okay, I get it, you’re on your power trip…you‘re very impressed with yourself. I know, I know, you’ll pay when you are damn good and ready. Really, what’s the big deal? Just pay the check. All the other tables did, and then they sat and talked. But not you, you’re gonna make me wait. Sure, I could try explaining that I need to cash out and leave, because I have a limited amount of time to get a few things done before I have to work the next shift….but due to your lack of common sense and social graces, it would probably just make you more indignant. After all, in your eyes, we’re not really people.

After 30 minutes of waiting for you to cash out, I chose Option B. I transferred the check to the other server and told him to keep the tip as payment for resetting my last two tables. An hour later, the other server sent me a text saying they finally cashed out.

So, you made yourself happy with your ”power” statement, and impressed yourself with your uppity attitude. Let me tell you what you told the rest of the world, what a sad life you must lead when you have to resort to rudeness and arrogance to make yourself happy.

Every server in the world knows what I’m talking about. And because of her ignorance, Queen Upherbutt, will never “get it.”

Situational Awareness

2011-08-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

We learn about “situational awareness” starting in elementary school. We are taught not to block the aisles, how to proceed in an orderly fashion, such as in a fire drill, or how to patiently wait our turn in the lunch line. So why is it, when people are no longer in school, they go completely brain dead when in positions where situational awareness would greatly help out?

We had a funeral luncheon, where the number of people who showed up, exceeded the number we were given. There were two rectangular tables against a wall, not being used for anything, when I noticed a group of people start moving them around. I asked what they needed…they said there weren’t enough seats, so I told them we would take care of it. So, I moved the tables into a usable position, told someone else to bring in 18 more chairs, and proceeded to set the tables with napkins and silverware.

This would have gone a lot smoother if the people we were setting the tables for, didn’t insist on standing in our way. They hovered about these tables like they were the last two tables on earth. We cannot put out the chairs, if you insist on standing exactly where the chairs need to go. Something’s gotta give, either you move out of the way for a few minutes, and let us do our job, or you go without a chair.

Even a moderately observant person can see that, while setting down silverware, that I started at one end of the table, and am working my way down to the other end. When I say “Excuse me,” because I need to reach around you, and you move six inches to the left (which is the direction I am going) I shouldn’t have to say it for every knife I need to set down.

Don’t make me go all “school principal” on you and tell you to stand against the wall until we’re finished. This is shit you should already know!

I hate it when work interrupts my day off.......

2011-08-02T20:38:00.000-07:00

The other bartender was on vacation, so I ended up working 13 days in a row…..so I was REALLY looking forward to two days off in a row. Yesterday was great. Sat around for a while drinking coffee…very relaxing, computer on my lap….then I went off to the gym, a little work out, a little swimming, sat in the sun for a few minutes…..strolled through the grocery store….then went and had dinner with a friend who is moving out of town. Didn’t realize how much I needed a day off.

Today started out much the same, with the coffee routine…then I was going to write a blog…..hit the gym again….then hang out at home. But all those plans came to a screeching halt, right after the coffee part.

The phone rang, it was work, let it go to voicemail. I am not working today! I need another day off! About 10 minutes go by, curiosity gets to me….what if it’s not just that someone called off a lunch shift, what if it’s something else. So I listen to the voicemail.

It seems there was a funeral luncheon today, that started out at 50 to 70 people. The restaurant got a call saying it would be larger than they thought, and there would be about 135 people. Okay, that’s a bit of an increase. And, they had an open bar, and would I come in and work the bar.

Shit! So I called back and said I would. There goes my leisurely day off, and it messes with my gym time. However, I did get a work out. Not the one I wanted, but a workout nonetheless. The bar I was going to be working, is in a downstairs banquet room, and has nothing stocked in it, except these occasions when we use it. So I had to get out everything, we’re talking liquor, wine, juice, fruit, glasses, everything. So it was up and down the stairs, a LOT of times. And when it was all over, I got to put everything back.

I hate it when work interrupts my day off.

HEY! We're closed!

2011-08-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

I am constantly amazed at how many people (some even seemingly intelligent) don’t know when they’ve over stayed their welcome. It was easy when I worked at a place that stayed open until 2:30 a.m. by law (in Michigan) we could not serve any alcoholic beverages after 2:00 a.m., and everyone had to be gone by 2:30. It doesn’t matter whether or not you had finished your drink, or food for that matter, by 2:30, we had to throw you out. And yes, it was fun.

However, now I choose to work at a place that does not stay open that late. The other night we had a group of nine, who came for a late dinner and business meeting. We stayed a little past our normal closing time for them. As we were waiting for them to leave, I closed up the bar…..which includes putting little paper cone cups over the tops of all the bottles. It’s more than little obvious that we are done for the night.

Four of them decide to come over to the bar…along with the physical evidence that we are closed, as they came around the corner, I was picking up my purse to leave. The people they saw in the lounge, were the servers, (it’s easy to tell, they all have on the same uniform) They weren’t there to party, they were cashing out for the night. So what do these guys do? Plop their butts down on the bar stools, comment on the cone cups, “Oh, you must be closing” then point to the beer taps and say, “I bet those still work.” Idiots.

Then there’s the two guys who came in last night for dinner. They were not the last table to arrive, but they were the last table to leave. The dining room is empty, has been for a while, there is no sign of life, and still they sit. The server and busboy were in the kitchen waiting for them to leave. Knowing that subtlety is totally lost on fools, I picked up my purse, hung it on my shoulder, had a to go cup of pop in my left hand, and started to walk through the dining room…..I paused ever so slightly at their table, all the while looking them in the eye, (it sort of forces them to acknowledge you) and they asked, “Are you closing?” “Uh-huh.” I’m not going with the standard answer, “Oh, it’s okay, take your time.” They’ve already taken their time, and mine. It’s almost an hour past closing. By the time I took two more steps, they were getting up and leaving. Mission accomplished.

Armchair Owner

2011-07-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

…and by “Armchair Owner” I mean that in the same way a football enthusiast would be called an “Armchair Quarterback.” You know, one who is a self-proclaimed expert, without having actually played the game.

I can’t tell you how many times over the last 30 years I’ve heard…”If I owned this place, this is what I would do.” Or, “I’m gonna have to talk to the owner about this.”

First of all, when you start telling the owner what they should do, about eeeeeeeeverything…..they listen because they are polite. NOT because you are the smartest person that ever walked the face of the earth. When you think an item should be added to the menu or deleted, they are not going to hop to, because you said so. Did these geniuses ever stop to think, that in order to add or delete, the entire page would need to be rewritten. I don’t think so. And, just because it’s your personal preference, doesn’t mean the rest of the world shares your opinion.

None of these people that I’ve listened to drone on and on for the last few decades, have ever put their money where their mouth is, and opened up their own restaurant. I guess if they did, with all their brilliant ideas, they would be immensely successful, thus negating the need for any other restaurants. From those of us already working at successful restaurants, we thank you.

So there they are, week after week, month after month, year after year, bellied up to the bar, telling the rest of the world what they should do. It’s really a phenomenal thing to listen to. The more they drink, the smarter they get.

Yeah, right.

Making Lemonade.....not literally

2011-07-28T07:22:00.000-07:00

You’re always going to have those slow shifts, where not much is going on. Instead of dragging yourself around and complaining about it, have a little fun, do something industrious. Time will fly by if you keep yourself busy.

We had one of those nights last night. Just after I got to work, two of the newer servers came into the lounge, sat at the bar and announced they were there to soak up some knowledge. The boss sent them over. (We have no bartender during the day, so the servers have to make their own drinks.) Okay, let’s have some fun with this!

We talked about the basics for a little bit, but listening can get boring, doing is much more fun. So I had them practice pouring martinis using a bottle of simple syrup. They were having a good time, actually we all were. I told them to look through all the coolers, see where the beer and white wine was kept…..juices, fruit, etc., pretend you’re on a treasure hunt. They were both about 19 years old, and let their sense of adventure take over. They looked through all the bottles on the back bar (and there a re a lot!) and were amazed at the variety. “Smell that bottle of Espresso Vodka! It smells great! Then they discovered the “Bubble Vodka,” smells just like bubble gum! Knowing where everything is, is half the battle.

Shortly after we started, another server came in to be trained as a back up bartender. We didn’t have to go over any basics, she already knew those, so we talked about our specialty drinks. The other two servers were more than happy to show her around, with all their new found knowledge. I sat at the bar and let them teach each other.

There was only one guy at the bar last night. (I told you it was slow!) So rather than piss and moan about it, I enjoyed the company of the servers…watched a little “Jeopardy!” It was not an ideal night, but it didn’t have to be horrible either, and it wasn’t. Don’t worry about the slow nights, there will always be a busy one to make up for it.

Some cooks need to learn they are human......

2011-07-27T06:55:00.001-07:00

It was Happy Hour, things were going as they usually do, a couple of guys ordered appetizers, which are half off during Happy Hour. One ordered a shrimp cocktail, which isn’t on the menu, but we certainly have the wherewithal to make it. Another ordered the scallop appetizer. When I went to pick up these orders from the kitchen, the cook was plating the scallops. You get three. (Hey, it’s an appetizer, not a meal) However, there were only two on the late. He had cooked three, but took it upon himself to decide that since it was half off, he should only serve two.

Whoa buddy! I told him I needed the third one put on the plate. He told me we would be losing money, since it was half off. Wait a minute! I told him it wasn’t my choice or his to sell these for half off during Happy Hour, and please put the third scallop on the plate. He didn’t want to do it. The manager finally had to intervene, and instructed him to put it on the plate. He did so, but very begrudgingly, and with much attitude. Hey! It wasn’t his decision to make, to control the portion size or rip off the customer!

I thought that was the end of it, until a little later on, the guy who ordered the shrimp cocktail told me that whenever he orders it, he always get 6 shrimp, last night there were only five on the plate. Now we gotta chat again. This cook is NOT the head chef! Besides that, it’s not the head chef’s decision either, it’s strictly up to the owner!

So all this makes me wonder….how early on do cooks start their arrogance training? This same cook also made a mistake on someone else’s order. Instead of manning up, and admitting he made a mistake, he blamed it on the server.

Just a word of advice…..the people you work with will have a lot more respect for you, if you just admit you made a mistake, and move on. We know we’re all human, and we all make mistakes. If you choose to continue to play the part of the arrogant hot shit cook, you’re just gonna make the road harder for yourself. We all work together, and that means you too!

A tale of two weddings......

2011-07-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

It was a very interesting Sunday indeed……we had two weddings at work. I worked the first one, it was a reception in the early afternoon. It was your typical reception, with the typical cast of characters. A bride, a groom, and about 40 family members and friends. Other than the fact that for some reason these people thought they could keep barging into the back, the wait staff area, it went as usual. They had a meal, a cake, and the bride and groom’s first dance, with a little dancing to follow, and then they were gone. It was a short, sweet afternoon reception.

The wedding that took place that evening, was a different story.

There were two rooms set up. The women were dining in a room downstairs, the men, in a room on the main level. Female servers were to wait on the women, male servers were to wait on the men. No male staff members were allowed to go downstairs while this was going on. There was one groom, however this was the second wife, the first, from whom he was not divorced was at home. We were informed that they were allowed to have up to four wives.

Hold on a minute!!! This is America! And we’re in Michigan, where I believe the law of the land states “one wife.” And because this is America, (and this is my blog) I have the right to state my opinion as I see fit.

A couple of hours after this had all started, the groom’s sister showed up, (she was not invited, and very upset about what was going on) she wanted to talk to her brother. Another man came out of the room the men were in, and started arguing with her. They were yelling at each throughout the restaurant. A server approached them, the man yelled at her to call the police, as this woman was trespassing. Meanwhile he was shoving this woman around the room threatening to punch her in the face. Sorry buddy, but this woman is as welcome in this building as anyone else. If anyone gets hauled away by the police, it’s gonna be you, for assaulting this woman!

I’m not gonna get into politics or freedom of religion, all I’m gonna say is, this is America, and woman have rights.

Oh screw it, one more thought……for all the women in attendance, who allow this to happen, learn to have a lot more respect for yourselves…and for all the men, take your archaic chauvinist attitudes and shove them up your ass.

Go ahead, be adventuresome.....

2011-07-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

The temperature hit 102 yesterday. That doesn’t happen around here very often. The coolest room in the restaurant was the lounge, so the boss decided to seat everyone I there. However, once it fills up with people, it is no longer the coolest room.

One of the first tables to be seated in there was a couple, sitting right in front of the bar, so I could hear everything they were saying. Well, actually everything she was saying, he didn’t get much of an opportunity to speak.

First of all, she announced that they had a coupon. (What a surprise) Then she hit the server with a barrage of about 200 questions. (Of which 195 were probably unnecessary) “What size are the scallops? I only like the big ones. What’s the potato tonight, and how much do you get? What’s the vegetable? Do you get a lot? Can I get this dish without this? Can I get that dish without that? So we get half off appetizers and drinks? And then we can still use the coupon, right?”

NO, the coupon states it cannot be used with any other promotional offers.

As far a ordering goes, you’ve got a coupon, you’re gonna get a big chunk taken off your bill….try something different! (There should be a limit to the number of times someone sends the server back to the kitchen to ask the chef a question.)

I got bored and stopped listening to her, which was hard, she was only six feet away. Right after the food arrived, the whole room heard her as she screeched out “MISS!” (Sounded like nails on a chalkboard) She was pointing at her husband’s plate….”I thought he was supposed to get mashed potatoes!” “Those are mashed potatoes. They are red skins mashed with the skins on.” “What’s that asparagus doing on his plate?!? You said the vegetable was green beans!!!” “Well, that’s what the vegetable of the day is, however we just rolled out a new menu today and apparently that dish comes with asparagus, but I’d be happy to get you a side of green beans.” Screech Mistress went on and on…..

Okay, here are some questions I’d like to ask…..Is your husband actually a ten year old child inside a grown man’s body? I know he can speak, I heard him order a beer….or do you not allow him to speak on his own behalf? Is his meal supposed to be to your liking? You talk a lot, do you ever come up for air? Are you always this much of a buzz kill when dining out?

Birds of a feather......we had the whole flock......

2011-07-21T06:15:00.000-07:00

That old saying “Birds of a feather, flock together” is absolutely true. I’ve seen it time and time again over the last 30 years. Usually in small clusters of 2 or 3.…..however last night we had the whole flock!

A group of 40 was due to arrive at 5:00 p.m. They originally planned to sit on the patio, but seeing as how it was 95 degrees out, no one wanted to sit outside, so we set them up in one of the banquet rooms. Which means last minute scrambling for the servers.

One woman arrived early, and came into the lounge for a drink. There was one guy at the bar, she sat next to him and immediately barged into our conversation, talking about something that had nothing to do with what we were talking about. When she came up for air, we tried to finish our conversation, but it was to no avail. When she finally went downstairs to her room, she decided they should all move upstairs and sit in the lounge for half off appetizers and drinks.

Doesn’t work that way. No specials on parties, and no coupons, which someone had a stack of, that she printed off. We’ve already bent over backwards by letting you all order off the menu and change your room twice.

The servers were trying to take orders, (while constantly being barked at) then the idiots would get up and move. Don’t expect us to chase you around the room. If you’re sitting at the bar, and all you have is a diet coke (your tab is a grand total of $1.95) don’t wave your empty glass in my face when you want a refill. I won’t see it. At least make an effort to display some form of manners.

The singer happened to be there, they asked if she would sing. Then she was met with comments like, “You’re not gonna be loud, are you?” “You’re not gonna scream into the microphone, are you?”

As a whole, this flock was totally lacking in any social skills, manners, couth, whatever you want to call it. We put up with a lot of shit, but this group pushed it past the limit. No wonder they meet at a different restaurant every month, NO ONE wants them back.

I guarantee you, that no matter where they go, they thoroughly piss off the staff and get the same service and attitude. I can also guarantee you that no one is this group has figured it out.

They are like a flock of pigeons, leaving a trail of shit no matter where they go.

When no one moves fast....

2011-07-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it’s about 94 degrees out right now….the cloud cover this morning stuck around long enough to ensure that the humidity would stay with us. Now it’s bright and sunny, barely a breeze, and you can break out in a sweat just walking to your car. Not only that, it seems to zap you of any energy you may have.

My ride to work is gonna be fun, the air in my van isn’t working, so I just should be a melted mess in the ten minutes it takes me to get there. However! I will be working in the coolest room in the building. But it will still be better than the time last winter, when I had to dig my car out of the snow, wear multiple layers of clothing, drive on roads that hadn’t been plowed, only to find out when I got there, that we weren’t open. A lot of places weren’t open on that day after the blizzard. I’d much rather melt.

For those who are scheduled to work the patio this evening, you’ll probably get the night off….for the rest of the week. I don’t think the ice in the water glass would last five minutes.

If for some inane reason (known only to them) folks decide to sit outside…..we will all be shaking our heads. But if you’re ignorant enough to sit outside, then you’ll probably comment that it is hot, and ask what we can do about it. My first response would be that we could pull out the hose and spray you down, because that is about the only thing that would work.

Then when you comment on how hot the server has got to be, in long pants, and that you feel sorry for them……yeah, well, not sorry enough to sit indoors with all the sane people. Also, if you order something cold, like an entrée salad, don’t complain if it doesn’t stay cold very long.

The heat sometimes seems to bring out the worst in people, as though they were the only one’s feeling it. (We’re just supposed to pretend it doesn’t bother us, while the sweat is pouring off of our foreheads.)

So, if you decide to sit outside today (and that’s a pretty big “if”) do what we do, and pretend it doesn’t bother you. After all, it was your choice that any of us are out there in the first place. Oh, and don't expect us to be moving very fast.

Some things we can't do anything about.....

2011-07-19T09:45:00.001-07:00

It’s the middle of summer…for those who live their lives in a bubble (although I’ve never seen any) it gets hot outside. I heard one comment the other day, “We never used to get hot weather like this.” Perhaps you used to live in the arctic circle, perhaps you’re just an idiot.

I love it when people opt for outdoor dining, and then inform you it’s hot outside. Did you not notice that when you got out of your car? Are you telling us this because we are robots who don’t feel the heat? You are just sitting there, we are running around, in long pants no less….so no, we will not alert the media about statement on the weather. Or are you informing us about this so we can magically make it a perfect 72 degrees at your table.

I was talking to some folks at a table on the patio the other night, they felt inclined to inform me that there were bugs out there. No shit Sherlock! You’re outside!!! And guess what? When there is food around, there will be more bugs. Perhaps we should just skip the food part, but then that would negate the whole idea of outdoor dining.

Our environment is not to perfect to everyone’s standards, never has been, never will be. We have become so accustomed to air conditioning, it seems the masses can’t handle it when the temperature varies outside their personal comfort zone. Why not just appreciate the fact that we are not shoveling snow?!? We are not bundled up in layers of clothing, a comfortable pair of shorts and a tank top will suffice. We wait for what seems like endless months, for summer. Now that we’re in the middle of it, everyone complains.

As far as outside dining goes, it was your choice. You could’ve chosen to eat inside. So before you complain about any symptom of nature, stop and think for a moment…..for it’s always better to remain silent then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

There's always one.....

2011-07-18T14:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, I worked a shower the other day…..I was scheduled for noon, that meant (according to standard procedure) that the start time of the shower was 1:30. I was already irritated when I had to wash knives, I couldn’t find any because there were 3 other parties going on.

Then I hear them talking…blah blah blah…”No, the invitations said to be here at 1:00.”

OH shit, now I gotta double time it. Went and recruited some help……forgot about the knives for a few minutes…did some other stuff…looked at the decorations they put on the table…..OH! I forgot about the knives! Went and grabbed them…..I’m on the third out of four tables, and one woman looks over and says, “That table doesn’t have any knives.”

Okay, so you’ve got a keen eye for the obvious, HOWEVER……….you lose any possible points that may have been added to your I.Q. because what you FAILED to notice was that I had a handful of knives, and I was presently setting them out.

Then I realized, oh, this is the one.

There’s always one woman who is in charge, and she let’s you know it. Then there’s that family member, that for 30 years they have let think she too, is in charge, but they never let her do anything. They’re the ones who usually try and tell the server what to do. We usually ignore them.

Just as I set the last of 32 filled water glasses on the tables, the same woman walks over and asks for a glass of water. (You’re kidding me, right?) So I made a sweeping arm gesture so as to include the entire room…..”Go ahead, take one. Preferably where you will be sitting.”

The cake was made by one of the women attending the shower….it was really pretty…all covered in fondant. When I picked it up to carry it to the back to slice it….I realized it was pretty heavy. I also didn’t know how small the pedestal was that it was sitting on, so when I had half the cake sliced, the cake slid backwards off the pedestal, the pedestal rolled away. Did I mention the table was covered with plates of cake? So the fondant sure came in handy in preventing any damage to the cake. Just to put your mind at ease, miraculously no cake was harmed in the incident.

And the water lady never bothered me again. (Ya gotta nip that crap in the bud.)

Drinkin' us dry......

2011-07-15T11:39:00.001-07:00

We had a rehearsal dinner at the restaurant last night, for 39 people. That sound like a lot of people for a rehearsal dinner….or maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s the trend to invite a ton of extra people, I don’t know.

Anyways, their deal with the owner was, unlimited beer and wine for three hours, for X amount of dollars per person. They tried to drink us dry. I could not believe how much alcohol they consumed! (And I’m not new to this!) I can understand the initial rush of ordering drinks when they first arrived, but it never let up!

When I first found out that they had unlimited beer and wine, I brought out the auxiliary beer glasses. (We have enough wine glasses for an army, so I didn’t worry about that.) Our regular beer glasses are 20 ounces, and I didn’t want to run out of those for the regular guests, after all, you have to give them what they are paying for. When the beer is unlimited, it doesn’t matter what glass you put it in. So I got out a bunch of 16 ounce glasses to use for the party. Went through them all in a heartbeat.

It was non-stop pouring. I asked the servers that were working the party, “When are they gonna eat?” That usually slows down the drinking a little. Not so with this crowd!

I love it when they start coming up to the bar to get their drinks…..”I’m with the party in the back room, can I get a beer? I haven’t seen the servers in a while.” That’s because they are trying to serve you dinner! What I really want to tell them is, “Don’t pull this “I haven’t seen the server in while” shit on me! I work with them everyday, and some days I work the parties right along side of them. They are not slacking off, as your comment would suggest. You’re just an impatient lush!”

So, if you’re gonna have a party for 39 people, and you get a great deal on the drinks, AND you run us all ragged, would it kill you to throw a little something extra our way?!? Your bar tab was about a quarter of what it would have been at regular prices. Loosen up your pockets, people!

Computer Dependency

2011-07-15T05:34:00.000-07:00

We have become so computer dependent that when it doesn’t work, we’re lost. My internet service has been on and off for the last week….mostly off. This is the third day (although not consecutively) I have tried to post a blog, and could not get online. Frustrating. I’ll get this posted as soon as I can.

We had another Double Take Celebrity Impersonator show last night. We never had so much squelchy feedback from our equipment. The cordless microphones kept acting up….squelching….intermittently cutting out for a second or two….at least the one that stopped working, did so after a song was over, so the sound man handed the singer another mic. But, we were dependent on this machine. (Which I’m sure has computer chips in it.) We powered through all the glitches. It’s just a little unnerving. But you can never let them see you sweat.

When the computer goes down at the restaurant, it turns into Confusion City. The food prices are listed in the menu, so we can look them up…..but no one knows the drink prices. We don’t have to, they’re in the computer! Many servers, who have never worked without a computer, are totally lost on how to run a charge card without it.

The cooks are used to our orders coming in on little pieces of paper getting spit out a printer. When that doesn’t work, we write them out and turn them in. Then more confusion ensues when the computer finally starts working again and they get bombarded with orders that have already been made. You can hit the “Don’t make” key, but inevitably someone will forget to do that.

I’m on a real electronics downer this morning…..but I’ll get over it. “Oh, these computers are wonderful! Until the next time they crash…….

A bartender's nightmare...........

2011-07-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

There are times when you are down to one person at the bar….and you’re thinking “Thank God you’re here, at least I have someone to talk to.” Then there are the times when that one person is there, and you would rather no one was there.

A handful of Happy Hour people came in last night, that was cool…then as the last of them were getting ready to leave, in came the bartender’s nightmare. (And everyone else’s nightmare) Every bar has one. It’s not so bad when it’s crowded, you can sort of chat for a minute and then pass them along to someone else. People actually get quite proficient at this and the nightmare doesn’t have a clue.

However, when everyone else leaves (all with a smirk on their face) and you keep note of who left you in this position…..you keep coming up with every positive idea you can. She usually doesn’t stay long, doesn’t always finish her beer, will probably get bored and leave, and so on and so forth.

Well, I was wrong about every possible scenario. She was excruciatingly slow in sipping her beer, mostly because she was prattling on about some inane shit the entire time. I may have said about nine actual words. The rest of my input was “Uh-huh” or “Mmm.” It didn’t matter at all that I was not participating verbally…..she had plenty to say about everything or nothing.

She was explaining how she had to count the number of drinks her father had on any given night, because if he had too many, then she wouldn’t give him his blood pressure medicine, because then his blood pressure would get too low. Yes, she determined that one night, when her father wanted her to drive him to the hospital, but she couldn’t because she had too much to drink, so she called 911 and told him she’d be there in the morning. Okay, I don’t’ think anyone, (who wanted to leave a note for the owner about a guy she knows that cleans windows and gutters, misspelled “Ryan” she wrote “Rayn” and had to ask how to spell “gutters”) should be practicing medicine.

I also learned that she could get me a deal on power-washing. Oh boy! And bunch of other stuff that I can’t remember right now, because I wasn’t really paying much attention.

An hour later my time in purgatory finally came to an end. She cashed out (for one beer)…kept talking….I picked up a couple of buckets that I suddenly and urgently had to take to the kitchen to rinse out….I was standing half in, half out of the doorway to the kitchen…she was still rambling on…..I finally just walked away. When I returned to the bar, I assumed she was gone…..my mistake. I had picked up my phone to send a text, then I hear the restroom door open….Oh shit!…..I tried to scramble back into the kitchen….too late, she caught me….walked over with yet more priceless information she felt compelled to share. AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! Just shoot me.

Really?!? Mr. Prima Donna......

2011-07-08T07:00:00.000-07:00

There are some people who just really need to get over themselves. They are legends in their own mind, and only their mind.

Our chef, we’ll call him Mr. Prima Donna, got pissed off and stomped out last night. So what was the point that was being proved? That he is in reality a nine year old boy in a man’s body? (last night’s incident would point to yes)

There are little glitches that happen every day, it’s the nature of the business, it’s the nature of life. We just handle them and move on. Throwing a fit doesn’t fix anything, but it can certainly add unnecessary bull shit to a situation.

Another point that was proved….(and I think this is true no matter what field you are in) it doesn’t matter how “credentialed” you are, what’s written on a piece of paper doesn’t mean you have the wherewithal to do the job, if you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen. (I couldn’t resist throwing that in) Things get busy and hectic on a daily basis, again, it’s the nature of the business. You’ve got a lot of people running around during the dinner rush, communicating many different things, sometimes all at the same time… but it’s what we do, whether one is cooking or making drinks or waiting on multiple tables at the same time. You just power through it.

Just because one happens to land a position of responsibility, doesn’t mean that one is a responsible person……(another point that was proved)….thank God for the rest of the kitchen staff, who have proven themselves to be steady and reliable, day after day, handle any glitch that comes along, and always get the job done.

So Mr. Prima Donna, I have no idea what’s going on in your mind, and I don’t really care…..all I can tell you is what’s going on in my mind. All your yelling, and making nasty comments to everyone else, calling people stupid, etc. (you get the picture) has accomplished one thing: You have lost any chance of anyone having any respect for you. You have thrown your credibility down the drain…..and you ain’t gonna get it back!

Perhaps you would be better suited to flipping burgers at McDonald’s.

Over staying your welcome.......

2011-07-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, there is such a thing as over staying your welcome, even in a restaurant.

We’ve talked before of people who take up a table for 3 or 4 hours…..we call them “campers.” Women tend to be worse at this than men. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “We haven’t seen each other in a while, so we’re gonna be here for a long time.” Hey, thanks for the heads up, but if I can’t turn this table, I’ll make less money, unless you plan on tipping me for taking up my table all night…..which rarely happens. So you wanna sit there all night and chat. That’s what your living room is for!!!!

Then there’s that one lone table whose occupants seem oblivious to everything else going on around them….or not going on….like, no one else is left in the restaurant. There are no longer any other servers bustling through the dining room, (except for the one who is stuck working late because you haven’t got the good sense to notice we’re closed) all the other servers have gone home. Then they try to play innocent and ask, “Are we the only ones in here?” I’d like to tell them, ”No, we have 40 people crammed in the wine cellar, drinking everything we’ve got.” But I’m afraid they’d believe me. Sarcasm is lost on fools. Look around, you morons!

Ah, let’s not forget the banquet people. This is not a hotel, you do not get the room until tomorrow. When your event (shower, birthday party, whatever) is over, we need you out of the room. We have to reset this room, and technically, we can’t do that until you are gone. However, if you’re gonna sit around and drink coffee, we’re gonna start changing table clothes and moving tables around, because the next party is due to arrive shortly. If they ask when the next party starts, and we tell them 5:00, (it’s now 4:00) they sit back and say, “OH, we’ve still got time.” NO YOU DON’T!!!! How convenient (and quickly) of you to forget that YOU arrived an hour and half early to decorate the room. It never seems to enter their minds that the next group may want to do the same thing. Why is it people seem to throw any modicum of common sense they may have, right out the window when it comes to showing a little consideration for others?

Another Saturday night chorus Line........

2011-07-06T06:30:00.001-07:00

You don’t have to have a huge crowd to have fun…..as was exemplified by last Saturday night….(or any number of late Friday or Saturday nights)

Deb, the singer, always starts out a little mellow….soft music to dine by…..the early crowd is usually not your liveliest group; I don’t mean this in a negative way, it’s just the way it is. Part way through the night things start to pick up….people make requests….some folks start singing along……granted the later it gets, the more some have had to drink….(we count on this)….one gentleman loves to dance, and will do so with all the women at his table….. Some just get up and bust a move all on their own.

There are some songs everyone joins in, just for a word or two (anyone can do it) like the song “Downtown.” It starts…”When you’re alone and life is making you lonely you can always go……” (everyone) “DOWNTOWN!” Since this is a song from the 1960”s….the busboy jumps back behind the bar with me, we do the old dance the “Swim”…..then hold our noses and sink down behind the bar. Goofy? Corny? YES!!!! But who cares? We’re all having fun!

“Sweet Caroline” always gets everyone going……”Sweet Caroliiiiiinnnnnne …… (everyone)…….DA DA DAAAAAAA…..Good times never seemed so good ….(everyone) SO GOOD! SO GOOD! SO GOOD!” That’s not part of the original song, but it seems to have really caught on.

The crowd is rockin’ tonight, let’s finish up big!

Deb will wrap up the night with “Copacabana” or Donna Summer’s “Last Dance.” The busboy runs back into the lounge, a couple of servers will join in and we’ll start the Conga Line through the lounge……we switched it up a little last week…..I got some of the guys sitting at the bar doing a chorus line can-can kick!

The most important thing to remember is, NO ONE CARES if you can sing or dance well, just get up and join in the fun! Life is too short to spend it watching everyone else have a god time!

Don't ya just love it when........

2011-07-05T07:22:00.001-07:00

It’s getting near closing time…..the kitchen is shutting down…..we’re all getting our closing work done…..it was a holiday weekend, so it was a little slow anyways…..and then you get those last minute customers. A couple came in and sat at the bar, turns out they want dinner. I told them they may have to order right away, as the kitchen was closing. So the ask me, “You mean in the next 20 minutes or so?” What part of “right away” didn’t they get? So I told them, “It would need to be in the next five minutes.” Not giving them anymore leeway than that. It was their choice to come in so late.

They start out with a couple of expensive Martini’s…..then they order appetizers…..then they tell me they have a Groupon, which is a new kind of coupon you buy online. Great. Then they have entrees and a couple of glasses of not the cheapest wine. They are treating themselves quite well. They ran up a $100.00 tab. Now minus the Groupon, and it comes to $55.00.

They sat there and examined the bill for 5 minutes…going over every item. C’mon, it doesn’t take that long. They finally pay the bill, but the gratuity they left, was on the discounted version of the bill. Cheap ass! Coupons are meant for you to save money, not rip off the server or bartender! There are even some coupons that state an 18% tip will be added PRIOR to the discount.

Most people are savvy enough to know to tip on the original bill, but for those who aren’t, well, there’s a lot of things they don’t understand. To try and explain this would be like talking to a brick wall (and I don’t mean to cast any aspersions on the brick wall.)

Then there’s the Happy Hour guy, who still tries to get to more, for less. Give it a rest guy! “Hey, there’s not enough liquor in this drink….this shot is short…..why didn’t you tell me Happy Hour was over with?” (Because you’re here all the time and happy Hour always end at 7:00 p.m. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt in assuming you knew how to tell time) This is the same guy who likes to tell you “The customer is always right.” My answer to that is, not when there’s alcohol involved! And, If you have to pull that tired old saying out of your ass, (thinking you’re playing your trump card) then you really haven’t got a leg to stand on. Ya wanna mess with me, and tell me the shot of tequila I just poured you isn’t the brand you ordered…..go ahead push it. Next time I’ll measure that shot, you’re not gonna be very happy. Which brings us to one of my old adages….”Why you wanna piss off the person who has all the booze, is beyond me.”

A restaurant is not a playground!

2011-07-01T09:01:00.000-07:00

I’m pretty sure that those kids who are allowed to make a monumental mess, you know, the food on the floor thing, dumping shit all over the table…..are the same kids, who, when they get older re allowed to treat a restaurant a a playground. If you want your kids to have a playscape, take them to McDonald’s. Please.

I worked a memorial luncheon yesterday, there were nine kids there, all old enough to know better, (had they been taught in the first place.)
It was a buffet luncheon, however they wanted the kids to order off the kids menu. While I was trying diligently to get their order, they kept getting up and running around. Turns out I missed one of them. Whoops. So all the other kids got served before him. (Didn’t bother me)

As I was trying to set down a beer for a man sitting at a table with some of the kids, one of them had a book in her hand, she turned, waving the book around, hit the beer glass while it was in my hand. Yup, beer got splattered all over.

There was cake on the buffet table for dessert, (it’s what they ordered) now they want to know if the kids can have ice cream instead. Yes, but there’s going to be a charge for it.

Once again we missed one kid in the ordering process due to their inability to stay seated and their parents unwillingness to do anything about this. It was also not clear how many wanted chocolate syrup on their ice cream. My fellow server suggested we pour it into little ramekins and serve it on the side. I said no. First of all, chocolate is a food group in my world, and I didn’t want to see any of it got to waste, and second, didn’t want to deal with the possible mess it could make, so I brought the syrup out with me, and poured in on the ice cream at the table. The one we missed, also wanted ice cream and asked if he could pour on the chocolate syrup himself. “NO!” (that felt good)

After they were done with the ice cream, they proceeded to run, yes literally run through the dining room. Weaving in and out of tables, having races in the aisle in front of the buffet table. C’mon people, use a little common sense and quit turning a blind eye to your kids behavior. Those pans that keep the food hot on the buffet are filled with hot water. Not to mention the sterno that is burning underneath them. If they start jostling each other, and knock a pan over and get burnt, I’m sure all these parents would suddenly become overly concerned about whose fault it was, and ultimately blame us, because we didn’t have a sign that read “No foot races within 3 feet of this table.”

Are your rules for dining at home really the same?

2011-06-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

There are things that happen, or people allow to happen when dining out. that I’m pretty sure would have a different outcome if they were eating at home.

Some folks came in last night and decided to have dinner out on the patio. It was a gorgeous evening for dining out, or doing anything outside for that matter.

They started out by ordering a couple of drinks, one of which was a bottle of beer which we serve with a chilled mug. A couple of minutes later, the server came back to the bar and asked for another chilled mug. Not that it mattered, but I was curious and asked why. She told me “A fly flew in the mug.” I asked if it got in the beer, she said no, he hadn’t poured it yet.

Okay, wait a minute….if this had happened at home, I’m pretty sure he would have just shooed the fly way, and then poured the beer in the glass. No big deal. Anyone who has ever eaten outside (we’ve all been on picnics) knows that there will always be a pesky fly around. Sometimes they land on your sandwich, or plate, or on a bowl of potato salad. I’ve never seen anyone throw out a plate of food or an entire bowl of salad because a fly landed on it. But because you’re at a restaurant, all of a sudden you get all picky and act as though a vulture just shit in your glass.

Let’s not forget the parents who allow their kids to make a mess of everything within arms reach, and then some, including the floor. I’ve heard the comment, “Oh well, someone gets paid to clean it up.” The statement that is actually being made, is that you’re too lazy to teach your kids how to act in public. I’d be willing to bet you don’t allow your kids to play with the salt, pepper and sugar at home, and dump it all over the table. Or let them shove food off of their plate, and when it lands on the floor, look the other way.

Try and stick to one set of rules, it’s be less confusing all the way around.

It's just my opinion......

2011-06-29T06:02:00.000-07:00

I have a friend I occasionally go out to dinner with. It’s sort of become “Adventures in Dining.” As with any large metropolitan area, we have a variety of different ethnic cuisines to choose from. Last night we dined on Middle Eastern food.

I have to admit I’ve not always been very adventuresome when it comes to food. I was a very picky eater as a kid. It wasn’t until I started working in restaurants that I truly expanded my limited palette.

So back to last night’s dinner……It started out with a small plate of neon pink cabbage. It was very pretty, but didn’t look like anything I had ever seen. My friend is a chef and VERY adventuresome eater, so he always gets to be the lead guinea pig.

He said the cabbage tasted like it had vinaigrette on it. Kind of like cole slaw….and as with a lot of different cuisines, there was lot of bread involved. (For which I was thankful) Not bad.

We ordered a variety platter…it was huge! A little bit of salad stuff at the bottom, a couple different types of chicken, (I’m good with that) some lamb skewers, some beef (I think) and some mystery meat on a skewer, however I won’t mention what it looked like. (I may be more daring than I once was, but I still can’t bring myself to eat mystery meat)

All in all, we finished a good portion of it…my friend took the remaining food in a to go box. My test for how well I enjoyed it, is, would I go back again? Only if someone else REALLY wanted to.

The time before we had sushi. My taste in food runs more toward the well done side, but I figured I couldn’t make a statement about sushi, until I tried it. So I did. And then I went home and had some pizza. That’s my statement.